I am fairly certain the lingering illness has transitioned into a sinus infection.  While I am not stuffed up, per se, for the past two days I have been bleeding when I blow my nose. Not in my nose...some place higher up.  [I stink at anatomy.]  My ears also hurt when I do and the throbbing pain lingers for a while.  I called Pastor's Lovely Bride, a nurse, to query this latest development and she suggested that I break down and visit the doctor's office since a sinus infection would need antibiotics to clear up.  I supposed she is right. I just took my temperature and it is back up to 102.2.

I held off blowing my nose the whole lessoning, because when I do it is a big mess and requires many a kleenex. 

~~~~
The time was worse and better than I anticipated, having to have a chaperon now.  Pastor brought the Lord's Supper, which very much surprised me since I hadn't begged for it beforehand.  In the liturgy for that, an abbreviated selection, Pastor included the Apostle's Creed.  I am fairly confident he did so because he remembered me asking him to include it in the abbreviated liturgy we used when he brought the Lord's Supper to me before a Wednesday evening bible study.  He also sang the Lord's Prayer, which I am fairly confident he did because I asked him to do so before.  In those small ways, I appreciate his efforts to serve as undershepherd to me.  As I have written before, I revel in confessing any of the three creeds with other Christians.  I dearly wish that he would sing the words of preparation of the bread and wine as he does in church, not because he does so in church, but because I truly enjoy the singing/chanting parts of the liturgy.  Doing so changes them in a way I cannot really explain. However, I have not asked him to sing/chant them because most of the time, I feel altogether too selfish as it is.  Pastor also sang Mark How the Lamb of God's Self-Offering to us.  I didn't even try to join him; I just do not understand that tune.  I savored the words though, especially the prayer of the third verse.

I will also say that while I was struggling before they arrived, just hearing the three psalms Pastor read and talking about them a bit, I was able to set aside my thoughts for a while.  How truly precious is the Living Word!

I asked Pastor to chose the psalms and found his choices interested.  It was, for me, quite a blessing that he ended with Psalm 67.  Sometimes, the best thing that you can do is pray the bits of the Psalter that are pure praise.  If you do, for a time at least, nothing else will matter save for the wonder of the Lord.


  God be gracious to us and bless us,
         And cause His face to shine upon us-- Selah.
  That Your way may be known on the earth,
         Your salvation among all nations.
  Let the peoples praise You, O God;
         Let all the peoples praise You.
  Let the nations be glad and sing for joy;
         For You will judge the peoples with uprightness
         And guide the nations on the earth. Selah.
  Let the peoples praise You, O God;
         Let all the peoples praise You.
  The earth has yielded its produce;
         God, our God, blesses us.
  God blesses us,
         That all the ends of the earth may fear Him.

As to the lessoning, I am left with more questions than answers primarily with nos. 93-98 (Part III, Large Catechism).  Pastor said he would look into them, but that means I have to wait for two weeks until my next joint session to learn those answers.  We are on the 5th petition of the Lord's Prayer, forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.  If you know me at all, you know I struggle with understanding forgiveness--I marvel at the whole I am forgiven now, this day, not just on the cross stuff, but I struggle with understanding forgiveness.  Sin?  Oh, have I got that down pat!

It was worse because I failed to keep a smile pasted on my face the whole time as the social contract demands.  It was worse because I had to pretend and know that if I do not make the time pleasing I will lose the chaperon and thus lose the lessoning in my home.

In my home, I can lay down and rest even as I am learning.  In my home, I can "come" in sweats, no makeup, and messy hair.  In my home, I do not have to worry where I sit or stand, how I look or talk...at least until I had to have a chaperon.

I was very tired by the time they came because I spent the morning desperately trying to clean up the house after being sick for so long.  The bird cage was a disaster, needing cleaning far before I grew ill.  And cleaning the bird cage requires cleaning the floor afterward, especially when the bottom is overflowing with food and millet waste.  I vacuumed and swept and dusted the main floor.  I cleaned the kitchen, emptying the sink, loading the dishwasher, and scrubbing the counter, sink, and stove top.  I took out the trash and changed the towel beneath the bird cage that catches the bird business from when they are on the external perches.  I cleaned both bathrooms in case they both needed them at the same time.  I cleaned the stairs.  And I picked up Kashi's toys since he LOVES to spread them all over the first floor.  I was shaking so much by the time I finished, I left the carrying down of the rocking chair from the study for Pastor to do when he arrived.  I am not sure what he thought about my leaving that work for him, but I wanted to still lie down on the couch, so I needed another chair.  Besides, the dining chairs are not that comfortable and my couch is really too small for two people to sit together unless they are family or very, very close friends.  I certainly couldn't envision Pastor and the chaperon sitting together on it if I took the green chair and reclined in it. 

Had it been just Pastor, I would not have lifted a finger for the lessoning.  He wouldn't have cared that my house was a war zone.  But the social contract demands that I do so for the chaperon.

I am very, very thankful she came.  She is very intelligent, a rather interesting person, and has been a Lutheran for a long while.  It just breaks my heart that for lessoning, too, I now have to walk on eggshells, working hard to hide who I am and struggle to figure out how to be socially acceptable.

I truly fail miserably at being a human being, at around others.

The highlight, of course, was the Lord's Supper.  The fragrance of the wine a heady wonder.  How is it so that the High Priest would come to me, such a miserable sinner, in His body and His blood this day?  Oh, Lord, how good and gracious you are!

I am torn between second best being having Pastor fill my house with the Living Word or his singing to me that oh-so-apt hymn or the prayer I chose for the end.  I found the latter on Pastor W's church website.  Since discovering it, I have prayed it myself several times, primarily because it is a revelation of who Christ is, a litany of sorts of the ways He comes to us.  But praying it with others, a corporate confession if you will, resonated more strongly within me. 

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, Have Mercy on Me a Sinner

Lord Jesus Christ, Eternal Word of the Father,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, the Word through whom all things were made,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, foretold by the prophets in signs and words,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, in the fullness of time conceived by the Holy Spirit,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, born of the Holy Virgin,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, hymned by the angels,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, adored by the shepherds,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, worshipped by the Magi,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, held by St. Simeon,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, praised by St. Anna,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, obedient to your parents,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to a sinner's baptism,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, fasting in the wilderness,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, driving out demons,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, cleansing the lepers,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, giving sight to the blind and hearing to the deaf,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, teaching the precepts of the kingdom,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, raising the dead,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, walking on water and changing water into wine,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, praised by the little children,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, riding into Your city as the sacrifice appointed,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, giving your body and blood to be eaten and drunk,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, praying in the garden,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, bound and mocked,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, stripped and beaten,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, innocently condemned to death,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, opening Your hands upon the cross to embrace the world,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, knowing the loneliness of our exile and our sin,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, trampling down death by death,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, pouring forth water and blood to save the world,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, sanctifying our graves by lying in a tomb,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, harrowing hell and releasing the prisoners,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, rising in victory over death and corruption,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, appearing to the disciples in the broken bread,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, ascending in triumph,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, seated at the right hand of the Father,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, High Priest who ever lives to intercede for us,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, coming on the clouds of glory to renew all things,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, dread Judge at the Last Day,
     have mercy on me, a sinner.
     Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.