Flashes...

A small house ... a darker interior, with paneled walls maybe ... a record collection ... being punished because I was a bad little girl ... hiding in the back yard waiting to go home.

I started to tell my sister about this last ever visit to a relative's house.  Flashes, really.  She asked me why I was being punished and I couldn't answer.  She asked me how I was being punished and I started shaking uncontrollably.  I still couldn't answer.  I just know those few things I told her.

I wish I could remember the vast swaths of my childhood that are blank to me ... the vast swaths of my adulthood that are blank to me ... but I am not focused so much on remembering as I am learning to handle emotions after disassociating so much.

I also wish I didn't believe that I must have been such a very bad little girl.