Friday, April 06, 2012

A little like Goldilocks...

There is a pair of blue socks I have, that when I wear them to bed, I have the best sleep possible...for me.  And I do not even care for the color blue!  I do not remember where I bought them or what brand they are.  There was a time in my life where all my crew socks had to match my pants, my outfits, so I have a range of blues, browns, greens, and tans.  Some of my socks are two decades old, so I cannot tell you even when I purchased them.  But this particular pair are perfect.

You see, I am a little like Goldilocks.  When I sleep, my feet are almost either always a little too hot or a little too cold.  Either way, I struggle to fall asleep, stay asleep, and fall back asleep when I am up in the night.

When I wear this particular pair, my feet are never cold and never hot.  In fact, I am not even aware of my feet.  You might laugh at that, but one thing that wearies me greatly is how aware I am of my body, of processes that are automatic and ought to be taking place unnoticed.

I am aware of my breathing.
I am aware of my heart beat.
I am aware of my blood pressure.
I am aware of my blood sugar.
I am aware of my skin.
I am aware of my bowels.
I am aware of my eye movement.

In many ways, this is the devil's greatest weapon against me, the constant, never ending reminder of my body...a body I struggle to accept on so many levels and a body I all too often fail to stop hating.

When you are trying to shed the shame that fills every thought of your body, it is a misery then to have so very many physical reminders of that which you would rather forget.  It isn't just having to battle catching sight of yourself in the mirror or changing your clothes or being touched by others.  It is walking, standing, sitting, lying, talking, eating, playing, resting, reading, watching television.  Every day, all day long, in some fashion or another, being reminded of your physical form and facing again the thoughts and feelings associated with the violations committed against it.

So what seems like a truly insignificant thing becomes monumental.  Bliss for me would be a couple dozen pair of those socks...even if not a one of them were GREEN.  One less battle. One less reminder.

I am Yours, Lord.  Save me!

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