Learning to brush my teeth...

That is one of the things that I am trying to do right now.  Were I brave and honest and bold, I would beg for prayer about a slate of battles I am facing with my mind and my body.  But clearly I have shown that I am neither brave nor bold and that I hide or mask the struggles of my life far, far, far more than I am honest about them.

I was the girl who went to the dentist every six months of her life up until about a fifteen years ago.  I was the girl who brushed her teeth morning, noon, and night.  I was the girl who used icky tasting baking soda toothpaste and who always had good dental reports despite a deplorable lack of flossing activity in her life.

When I was an elementary school teacher, after dental hygiene week was over, I was the only teacher in the school who continued to have her students brush their teeth after lunch with the supplies provided during the theme week ... and the supplies I continued to provide for the rest of the year.

Yet here I am, now, struggling to learn to brush my teeth again.

Multiple Sclerosis is devastating in the idiosyncrasy of the disease, the condition.  Across the vast pool of those struggling with MS are a common set of symptoms.  But stick a dozen MS folk in a room and you might end up with a dozen or more symptoms that are not shared by all.  Much of the problems are not identifiable by clear and clean and easy test results.  Most doctors still know little about the disease, even neurologists.  And, sadly, many people with MS are treated more as if they are crazy than as if they are ill.  The community of folk struggling with MS is the most powerful resource for those seeking understanding and help with the vagaries of their disease.

One such thing is tooth pain.

Sometimes I like to try and pin-point the first symptom of MS and the first symptom of Dysautonomia.  On any given day, I might nail down this one or that one.  For a long while I was convinced that fainting was the first symptom of Dysautonomia, but I now believe, rather strongly, it was anxiety and cognitive changes hidden by the cognitive struggles from MS.

For MS, I long believed that it was heat sensitivity, but then I learned that motion sickness is a common symptom and that definitely rose to the top.  I used to be a read-in-the-car at ANY time girl.  Now, if I am not driving, I seriously struggle to remain vomit free.  Back when I returned from Africa, I was beset by severe motion sickness on a deep sea fishing trip.  So much so, I had to be towed behind the boat because being in the water was the only relief from massive, overwhelming, utterly debilitating motion sickness.  Me, the girl who used to race sailboats with her step-father (translate that lose sail boat races with her step-father).

However, another contender could be tooth pain.  I have one tooth that simply and absolutely cannot be cleaned by that whirling dentist tool.  Not. At. All.  I have to be very, very, very careful brushing my own teeth to avoid the pain of it.  But finding a dentist who would listen to me and NOT clean that tooth was impossible.  Not a single one respected my request.  Not even the expensive specialty dentist who had many MS patients and said he understood about teeth pain.  It is as if cleaning every single tooth is an irresistible activity for those in the dental field.

So, my twice yearly visits transitioned to annual visits.
Then bi-annual visits.
Then none.

I seriously went 12 years without visiting a dentist.

However, I was very assiduous about cleaning my own teeth. I worked very hard at it, trying to make up for the terrible secret I kept from others.  I, Myrtle, stopped going to the dentist.  I worked and worked at cleaning my teeth, sometimes brushing morning, after every time I ate, and at night.  When my dental insurance was ending, I broke down and figured I should see the dentist and find out just how bad my teeth were.

Both the dental hygienist and the dentist did not believe I had gone so long without a professional cleaning. My teeth were perfect! I wept in thankfulness on the way out.  And, yes, the dentist couldn't resist cleaning that tooth, even though I literally dislodged the instrument tray in my reaction to the pain.

But then my life became harder.  The whole constant nausea and vomiting problem and the tremendous weight loss.  The reactive hypoglycemia as a result of the rapid weight loss.  The fainting.  The cognitive decline.  The weakness in my hands.  The orthostatic hypotension.  The memory loss.  The fatigue.  The fatigue.  The fatigue.

I couldn't brush every time I ate.
I was often to exhausted to brush before I slept.
I forgot to brush my teeth.

Yes, I forgot to brush my teeth.

So, pretty much my only teeth cleaning, often for long spates of time, is using the shower as a water pick or using a washcloth or wet napkin when I remember that I need to brush my teeth but am not near my sink.

That I have come to this place, after being the one who always got compliments on the whiteness her teeth in the decades before the whole teeth-whitenting industry exploded, is shameful to me. I hear others' chastisement and condemnation.  You're neglecting your own health.  You're neglecting the temple of God.  You are being stupid.  JUST BRUSH YOUR TEETH, MYRTLE!

I cannot actually brush my teeth manually anymore.  I have to use an electric tooth brush.  I also have this other problem, be it MS or Dysautonomia I know not.  I cannot have my mouth open very wide without pain, and I cannot have things in my mouth without gagging.

[Incidentally, I believe this is why the McDonald's plastic forks are the easiest ones for me to use.  They are small.]

Ever hold a pencil in your mouth?  I would puke if I tried.  It is weird.  It is disconcerting.  And it is VERY problematic.  Really, it is another whole encyclopedia of reasons why I have stopped brushing my teeth.

However, for a month now, I have been working very hard to try and brush my teeth at least once a day and to use the occasion of leaving the house to get a second brushing accomplished.  I wish I could say that I have made great strides.  I have not.  That I have not is yet another failure weighing down upon me and yet another secret shame.

I wish I were brave enough to post on Facebook that I need help remembering to brush my teeth and being brave enough to do so when puking is a possibility, when I am so exhausted I cannot put words to it, and when the pain of the innards misery is so great that I, literally, want to die so that it might end.

I am not, of course, brave enough to ask for such prayer help.  After all, I asked for help remembering by baptism and not a single Facebook friend remembered something that most of them would consider far, far more important than the brushing of one's teeth.

I am four years old in my baptism now.
I am trying to learn to brush my teeth.
And, honestly, I need help remembering both.  Daily.


I am Yours, Lord.  Save me!