Friday, April 13, 2018


I have been working to have some structure ... some routine in my world.  I mean, I do most everything with a process, a routine, if you will, so that I know that it will be done correctly, so that I will not miss important steps, so that I will have some success.

It is hard for me when folk visit who do not understand how the processes help me get through what I need to do.  I struggle with forgetting so deeply that I have to have a set way of doing things that I can follow.  When others distract me from my process, I make mistakes.  And mistakes make me agitated.  And I forget more.  And things just fall to pieces.  I fall to pieces.

I do worry about being seen as OCD, because I've heard a few jokes about that.  Only my therapist has assured me that what I am doing is I am coping with my deficits, not trapped in mental illness.  Fearing that another routine is just going to send me further up the river, I nevertheless have chosen structure for every other Friday.

On most Fridays, I run the dishwasher.  However, I only run it if it has a full load.  Sometimes it takes more than a week to fill it up.  And, on Fridays, I am following my goal of being a more responsible pet and homeowner by keeping the yard cleaner than I had been doing.  So, those two tasks get done whether or not it is my newish Friday.

Every other week, I now strip the bedding and remake it.  That is such a gargantuan effort for me, one I realized that I was taking longer and longer and longer to get around to doing.  Now, I know I have fresh sheets at least every other week.  I would like them every week, but fresh sheets also means laundry and laundry is difficult for me.

On these Fridays, I also do the laundry on account of the aforementioned dirty sheets.  I work hard to collect everything possible that needs washing, including the hand towels I so oft forget.  I sort it and do between two and four loads, usually two of them.  This way, I have fresh sheets and my pile of laundry is gone.  By having this structure, I know that I will have the things I long for at least every other week.

There are small ways that I am trying to build some structure into my life, but, of course, I cannot think of them at the moment and I did resolve not to leave my entries hanging  for days and weeks trying to finish them.

Suffice it to say, I like knowing that I have a plan for those Friday nights.

In the winter, I try to exercise early so that I can shower early so that I can spend the evening (when not doing laundry) roasting before the fire.  I find the time rather peaceful, knowing that I am ... well ... being normal for a time, getting something done, and getting it done in a time and manner of my choosing.

And there is something sort of safe about structure.  Comforting.  Knowing it will be there no matter how things are going.  SIGH.

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