Tuesday, December 28, 2004

I went to bed quite early last night and ended up sleeping straight through to this morning. But my night was filled with dreams.

I dreamt that I was on the beach in the water and suddenly my strength gave out. I couldn't move. I floated, pleading with my eyes for those around me to help me get back to shore. But I was left alone, trapped by a body that was no longer under my control. Slowly, I began to sank until I was lying on the ocean floor, watching those play around me. When my breath finally gave out, my vision faded into blackness.

I dreamt that I was hiking with the women from work, including my boss. We were walking and talking, trading stories about the guys we dated and stories about women who chased after men and about how we had to stay true to ourselves.

We were walking and walking uphill. Slowly, I realized that I couldn't go much further. I tried to explain that I couldn't keep up, but my boss kept telling me that I needed to hike. Finally, I sank slowly to the ground until I was lying across the path. I couldn't move my arms or legs and begged those around me for help. But all they did was tell stories about people who faked injuries for attention. I was trying to say that it was the MS, that I was over fatigued and temporarily paralyzed, but they spoke around me and did not listen to me.

My boss then walked up and leaned over to whisper in my ear. "You have to be your true self."

The women turned and walked away, while I lay in the woods staring up at the trees. After several long hours of waiting, I finally fell asleep.

I dreamt that I was back in grad school. I was trying to find my room. I had a guy with me, but I do not know who he was. We walked around the ground floor of this huge dorm that had an interior courtyard. I kept looking at my key to try to remember where my room was. We finally asked for help at the information desk and I was told it was on the 14th floor. The guy headed for the stairs while I looked at him in disbelief. Didn't he realize that I couldn't walk up the stairs?

I headed for the elevator which I hated. It was about three feet wide and did not always stop exactly where it was supposed to stop. A man walked up and wanted to get on the elevator with me. I kept telling him it was too small and couldn't handled the weight of both of us. Finally I shoved him out the door and hit the button for the 14th floor. The man grew angry and turned himself into a wasp, managing to fly through the doors just as they were closing. He stung me over and over until I managed to smash him against the wall of the elevator. My jumping around to try and avoid the wasp made the elevator swing back and forth on its cables. When it opened half way on the 16th floor, I pried open the doors and wedged my body through. After walking the entire way round the building four times, I finally spotted the stairwell and walk down to the 14th floor.

When I opened the door, I noticed the numbering was in the 2400's when I needed the 1400's and remembered that the numbers changed on each section of the square building. Turning the corner, I ran into the guy and then we headed to my room, 1411.

When I opened the door, I started crying out that it wasn't my room, it wasn't where I usually stayed. It was long and narrow and had curtains for dividers between the sections. The guy kept asking me how it could be the wrong room while I spun around and around in confusion. None of the furniture was mine. I recognized the flat panel monitor I got last year and found my new laptop, but nothing else was familiar.

I sank to the floor in tears and found myself scooping up the papers there. They were all medical bills, representing dozens of doctor visits and tests. They were all stamped in red ink with the phrase "Nothing can be done." I let the papers spill from my hands and then turned to the guy and begged him to leave with me.

He asked me where I was parked and I realized that I did not know. I remembered thinking that it would be easier to find my new Highlander than the old Corolla because it was a larger vehicle and the green would stand out. But when we got to the parking lot that was the size of one for a stadium every vehicle was a green Highlander.

I wandered from car to car until I woke up.

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