a long 24-hours or so...

I had an asthma attack a while ago.  "Manna" was wonderful about it.  She remained calm and just helped me open things and get my nebulizer set up.  The epi-pen was a new kind, which threw me for a loop.  Yet the drugs worked and the attack was stopped.  I am just left with the racing heart and tremulous body until the medication wears off.

I have learned such hard things in the past 24 hours or so.  I admit that I am weary of learning hard things, especially since they are mostly about where I am wrong, where I have sinned, where I am not understanding things.  Late last night, a pastor rather patiently questioned me until he led me to a conclusion that is more sobering than anything else I have learned of late.

To be sure, I shall be wrong in thinking that the spiritual matters more than anything else, physical or mental well-being.  But I do.  From the moment I opened the Book of Concord, all I have really cared about, oft to the exclusion of all else, was grasping what I could see but yet still is so elusive.  Sadly elusive.

Today I learned a big, huge, rather devastating why of me.  That why was extrapolated to my spiritual life, which sort of sent me into a tailspin until God provided reassurance that He is, indeed, greater than even those whys of me.

Monday is my return to work, after a month away.  After receiving a less-than-pleasant email from my boss, I am truly worried, though I have two more days to rest and am trying to focus on that. 

I had a set-back the Tuesday of last week that in many ways has me at the beginning of how I was in taking the time off, if not the beginning of how I was when I opened my mouth all those years ago.  The doctor told me today that it was like having a major earthquake.  Sometimes the aftershocks are as bad or worse as the original earthquate, and they will linger long past the date of the quake.  Although he had not seen Firefly, he did tell me that this will eventually pass.  Step aside and let it pass.

The cardiologist is upping the medication to help with fainting, since it has been determined the previous vomiting was another problem.  I have become accustomed to the faint nausea and constant tremulouness from the drug and am hopeful the increased dosage shall be okay.  On the medication, standing from a sitting position is much, much better.  I still faint when I get up in the mornings if I am not careful, but I am hopeful the increased dosage will help even more.  Plus, I believe I breathed better on the higher dosage.  Too bad it does not a thing for the thermoregulation.

Two asthma attacks in eight days I blame on missing my medication last week.  But, perhaps, it is just a bad time for me.  It used to be October was my worst month.  That, too, ought to be a consideration in my mind. 

While coughing, I was joking with "Manna" that now I could go to the ER with someone.  Bad humor, I know.  Still, I very much would like to know what it is like to not be alone at such times.  However, you haven't really had a visit with me until you've been through a full blown asthma attack.

Here, in the quiet of the night, I can hardly bear the image that lingers from the mirror held up last night and the one from this day.  Would that I could grasp more fully the freedom of my baptism.


Lord, I believe.  Help my unbelief!