on the morrow...

I sat outside Church today, too ashamed to walk inside, tears dripping down on my Greek homework as I struggled to concentrate on working out the First Declension of nouns.  I want to learn those words so that I might learn the Word better.

"Manna" was inside.

Sunshine came after church for her Sunday night Bed & Breakfast stay and the result was so beautiful!

I took them to the Lutheran pizza place, my name for Pizza Man's restaurant and they had their fill of his oh, so tasty creations.  Manna treated us!  Whilst there, someone called me to help me work through the decision to return to work tomorrow.  I am not ready.  Going when I weep so easily, become overwhelmed by all that has happened and is in my heart, is a great risk.  Remaining away any longer, having earned my boss' ire enough as it is, is also a great risk.  Weighing both options, he came down on the side of returning. 

Never have I struggled as now.  Pieces of me lie all about. I gather them up, thinking I can hold onto them.  But I cannot.

Friday, I got a call from a man with whom I cried at the first question of his greeting.  As has been happening, I open my mouth to say one thing and out pours my grief and confusion and fear.  I keep very little in check.  He, a Christian, might just have a wee bit of help to offer.  If nothing else, as a proper Protestant, he promptly began praying for me right then and there.  I confuse him when I talk about Lutheran doctrine; though he is a professional contact, I cannot help myself knowing he is a Christian.  But I will admit I very much welcomed that personal lifting up of the mess that is Myrtle...although...I found myself wishing he prayed the Creed, the Kyrie, and the Lord's Prayer as that Lutheran pastor does.

I wept at the bank. I wept at Target.  I wept at the gun store.  I wept talking with the cardiologist's nurse.  I am a bloody sieve with both my eyes and my heart. Oh, how I hate this.

Manna and Sunshine played Rummikub with me and were so very kind and gracious about me walking away from meal and game to talk on the phone.  However, Manna and Sunshine had no problem talking and sharing with one another in my absence. 

How my heart sings to know that Bettina has met Sunshine and Sunshine and Manna have met each other.  These wonderful women God has brought to me are getting to know each other.  This afternoon, Sunshine had a spectacular idea for sharing the Book of Concord, but I shall wait to reveal it yet, hoping it might come to fruition soon!

We talked for hours after lunch. 

Then, Sunshine helped me review the Greek I had done on my own, having missed class by being too ashamed to walk in even there.  My noun declensions were far better than I thought, but my two verb tenses were only half correct.  I need further review and am behind on my vocabulary.  Once again, however, class is canceled for this coming week, so I still have a wee bit of hope for keeping my head above water.  My plan of attack has been to write out every form/case/ending, both singular and plural, for every verb and every noun.  It is quite time consuming and rather tedious, but I believe is effective. I am learning the declensions in a different order than the Pastor is teaching them by rote in class, so I shall have to plug my ears once I dare to cross the threshold again when that recitation is being chanted. 

I have learned the pattern of my chart and try to visualize where on the chart the word would fall to determine case and number.  That is something I have noticed most about my cognitive decline, I hang onto information far better if I make some sort of association with it.  Sheer memorization simply does not work anymore.

Then, I worked on Sunshine's older laptop for awhile, trying to beef it up for her. I had victory with clearing out caches, giving her new antivirus software, and cleaning up her desktop/arranging her quick launch bar.  I was less successful with getting a wireless network card to work.  Hopefully I can do so tomorrow evening, for that dear woman is going to come wait for me after her volunteering so that we might have a few more hours together after my first day back to work.

Afterwards, I rather greedily asked her to sing hymns to my as I typed in Psalm 104 for the daily Book of Concord Snippets email that the new group is now sending out.  Once I finished, I asked to keep singing so that we could sing together.  Of course, I had her finish with two hymns I consider lullabies, ones quite comforting in tune and lyrics.

So, it is late and I shall be tired starting off my first day back.  But it is my prayer that the Truth contained in the doctrine and Scripture I typed, as well as the hymnody poured over me, might remain in my heart and my mind as I pass through the waters of tomorrow.


Lord, I believe.  Help my unbelief!