The strands in my hands...

This is the hair that I have lost in the past four months.  I have kept it to show the doctor when I see her on the 19th, for whenever someone looks at my hair, they do not seem to understand why I wail that I am losing my hair. In my opinion, I believe the hair loss is significant. I believe the sudden onset of hair loss that has been rather substantial is significant.  Something is causing this.  And--pardon my screaming--IT IS NOT JUST STRESS!  I have had  many times of extraordinary stress and strain in my life without ever losing my hair.  Something fundamental has changed within my body.  Incidentally, the other new thing that happened during this time is that I have these bruises that appear all over, but mostly on my arms and legs.  Sometimes, I have over a dozen of them at once.  Still, it is the hair loss that concerns me.

I have, conservatively, lost 75% of my hair in the past two years.  For a while, the clumps left in my hand while washing my hair lessened.  Such is the case no longer.

And, to be delicate about the matter, I am losing my hair elsewhere as well. Bare skin where it should not be so leaves me feeling the helpless child once more...someone whom I have tried so hard to escape being.

Four months.

My entire life I have longed for curls, been jealous of curls, tried to give myself curls.  Now, all I have to do to curl my hair is twist it into a bun for a while.  My hair is so thin now, that in doing so, when I take it back down, it stays in a single coil and separating it to brush it out is difficult...and results in more clumps in my brush.

My modus operandi for a very long time now has been to touch my hair as little as possible, either by washing, brushing, combing, or even arranging. Needless to say, I have not had good hair days very often.

Over the past two years, I have lost count of how many times I have spoken of this. I try and try with those close to me, but it seems to me, with the exception perhaps of Bettina, that no one is listening or understands or, frankly, believes me.

I have said several times that when the coverage of hair on my head becomes wispy, I shall get out the razor, shave it bald, and transition to wigs.  I will need help doing so, to be sure.  But I do not want to be one of those women holding on to the very last hair on her head.

My hair dries so quickly now, when it used to take hours and hours. Wringing it out in the shower is so strange because so little fills my grip.  And, as I have noted, my thick ropes of braids are now mere strings.

I know that I still have more hair than many, many women.  For that, I am grateful.  But the agony of watching it fall out is so very hard for me to endure.  I have my good days and my bad days, but truly, in this matter, I have never risen to the occasion and taken the high road.  No, more often than not, I sink to my knees in the shower, curl up in a ball, and weep deeply before I can managed to gather myself enough to finish.

My hair has been the only part of me that the other gender has ever noted as being attractive.  My hair has been the one thing that makes me feel feminine.  And my hair has been a covering that lessons my shame. To me, the latter is the only thing that truly matters. Losing it is overwhelming, draining, a constant ache I find difficult to ignore...and terrifying, in thinking about the time I shall be covered no more.

Fred wrote to me this morning, not knowing of the time I spent at the bottom of the tub last night, the following:  ... the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of that world, Jesus takes away ALL sin. ALL of it ....God does not see you the way you see or describe yourself. You are justified, forgiven, made new, a beloved child of God for Jesus' sake. You are beloved by God in Christ. 

I should be able to remember the sweet, sweet Gospel on my own.  But truly I need it spoken to me in some fashion...daily...sometimes hourly.


Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief!