Old school...

I have been hoarding Amazon promotional credits for quite a while and saved up for a newish movie.  Normally, I wouldn't redeem so much on a single movie, but I have really wanted to see The Martian.  I liked it.  Actually, I have watched it three times, since I get distracted when I get agitated and some of the more dramatic moments were nerve-wracking for me.  Good thing I do not have good recall even of things that I have watched.

Dramatic moments.
Could someone please explain how this movie won a Golden Globe in the comedy category???

What I liked about the movie was that the science was realistic and that, to me, it had the feel of Apollo 13 without it being a true story.  Yes, I liked it.

Mostly, I have been sleeping and not blogging.  Sleeping.  Thinking.  Watching a new show.  Sleeping.  Napping.  And sleeping some more.

My average heart rate over the eight days I had the pacemaker turned down was only 54.  Even my cardiologist was surprised at how little my heart wants to beat on its own.  I was even more exhausted, as he suspected I would be.  But I also had trouble with the Reynaud's in my feet; I had blue feet all week.

I was very, very, very nervous about seeing the cardiologist again.  It is hard to really explain in a way that makes sense even to me, given how hard I know he is trying to help me.  I do not like needing the extra patience and extra help.  But the visit went better than I hoped.

He restored the settings that he turned off, although I find it odd that I have not really felt the accelerometer since he turned it back on, although I have most decidedly felt the testing.  SIGH.

I noticed something about the testing tonight:  Georgie is increasing my heart rate the first 30 seconds.  NO WONDER I LOATHE IT!  My heart rate increases from its usual 60 beats per minute to the mid 70s.  Tonight was the first night I thought to check my pulse and so the first few seconds I missed.  The high was 73, but I am not sure that was the highest high.  From the 31st second until the end, my heart rate dropped right back down to 60 BPM, however that whole time, Georgie is still doing something because it feels sort of like the accelerometer, but not quite.  So, I have something to talk about next time.  Also to ask if the accelerometer is at the same setting as before.

I studied about the accelerometer; I rehearsed thinking that it was doing good by raising my heart rate when I needed it more.  I wanted the ventricle lead back on because I am a researcher and I know the value of data.  And I wanted the nightly testing back on because it comforts me, knowing that Georgie is still working (knowing that I have not broken her).  The reason he did not reduce the settings on what he turned back on was because I gave him permission to make that decision.  His reasoning was that my heart function was good on those settings.

I am all for good heart function.

I found it interesting that he talked about just how poorly my heart was functioning before Georgie came to the rescue.  Even he was not completely aware because, as he puts it, I am not the best communicator about how I am doing.  Basically, I think I am being a bother.  However, I have tried to say that I felt crappy and I am honest (mostly) about how much I faint.

He does not, at all, understand why I am not a giddy as he is about how drastically improved my heart function is.  I have not found a way to communicate just how much I am struggling adjusting to the pacemaker.  I feel like I traded once set of challenges for another and that I am paying a price I didn't know I would have and one I was not prepared to pay.  Plus, in a nutshell, while I know he would not lie to me about the pain I feel from the pacemaker's position, I do not think that he is hearing me.  He is of the opinion that I am feeling normal pain form a pocket not fully healed.  I don't know how to communicate how much it hurts whenever I touch it, Amos touches it, anything touches it (the part that sticks out) and how much it hurts when it digs into my arm because I am lying on my side.  I am trying to hold onto his optimism based on his bazillion pacemaker implantations, but I honestly do not believe that he is hearing what I am saying.

Each day I am off the theophylline, the more I am most certain that I could never go back.  I am LOVING not having the blood pressure spikes and I am so very THANKFUL to be back on regular asthma medicine.  I have only coughed at night two or three times now.  I have had three episodes of coughing and wheezing, but I know the trigger was the cold.  Seriously, I am utterly grateful to the makers of Flovent, even if Medicare doesn't believe it is a vital medication (has it on a higher tier).

Not related other than thankfulness, I am just LOVING having the alarm system.  Frankly, I did not know just how much I was surpassing my uncomfortableness being alone in a house at night ... being a single woman alone in a house at night.  I even find comfort in the system talking to me all day.  I do wish it was a male voice, but one cannot be picky.  Perhaps I should call her Xena?

My cardiologist does believe that I do not need the interrogations as frequently because Hal can provide all the data they really need save for a single test that requires a challenge to my heart.  However, to give me more time to adjust to the pacemaker, he rescheduled my next interrogation from the end of January to the beginning of March.  He said two months, but it wasn't until after I was home did I remember to point out that two months would be the end of March, not the beginning, but they were scheduling two months from my appointment date.  I am trying not to quibble.  After all, I asked if I could have the same nurse/tech again.

He asked me to see him again in a month (you know, that time frame when the pain should be gone). I have absolutely no problem with that.  I would see him as much as he wants if it were not for the specialist co-pay.  I already owe the office $140, but they are letting me wait until the bill comes to give me a bit of a budget break since December was full of expenses.  The new Medicare plan does have a bit lower co-pay ($40 instead of $50).  If I overheard correctly, pacemaker checks do not have a co-pay, so I hope they are covered 100%.

Every day that passes without the hospital bill I fret more.  I keep thinking of things that I will be billed for ... drugs, care, room, supplies, vaccines, doctor, THE PACEMAKER, Hal.  Trust me, if you are worrying about a bill for a pacemaker implantation, DO NOT Google the price of a pacemaker.  It will just deepen your worry.

I want to know my debt.
I want to be able to plan.
I want my debt to be paid as soon as possible.

I cancelled my counseling appointment tomorrow.  There has just been too much new for me.  Too much to absorb on so very many levels.  I don't want to add anything new this week.  And I want more time to think about things ... so very many things.

I am wondering ... would some flashcards help me consider all this??????  I am thinking that I might sit at the table tomorrow with some index cards and markers ... maybe some paper for list making.  You know, try to work a little old school.

Manage, manage manage.  That's all I do these days.  Manage my body.  Manage my brain.  Manage (poorly) my bills.  Manage (poorly) taking and filling and tracking my medications.  Manage being a homeowner.  Manage my fears and loneliness.  SIGH.  I do new to get better at managing the new stuff.  Much better.