More pain, new pain...

My mother came to visit June 10th through the 15th, having not been here for 18 months.  I worked very hard to give her a peaceful and pleasant visit, filled with things she enjoyed.  Sadly, we did not play a single hand of Skipbo, but otherwise the visit went as I desired for her.  Well, she did say that I need to serve her more of her beloved Santa Fe Soup on her next visit.  I can do that.  Too bad that I could not send her home on the plane with a few jars.

Alas, though, I have spent the bulk of the time since she left sleeping and resting and doing a little bit here and there and getting all exhausted all over again.  I don't mind.  I mean, I wish that I were better at just being sick around others, but I am not sure that that many folk want to be around me whilst I am sick.  And I am lonely.  So, it is simply better to pretend to be well.

SIGH.

A little while ago, not even two months, I think, my left shoulder had a twinge.  I stopped doing my free weights immediately and thought it would blow over.  Then, just before my mother came, it started hurting.  During her visit, it got so bad I thought I would just about die from it.  It sounds like an exaggeration and I know that it could always be worse.  But ... oh my!  I was in such despair.

I started putting the topical NSAID (like ibuprofen) from the plantar fasciitis in my left foot that just won't go away.  My foot is despairing.  My shoulder is despairing.  The medication is helping.  Although, tonight, I wept my tearless tears because it struck me that the gel is like my Celebrex.  It doesn't heal anything.  It is just a pain medication.  Another monthly medication to try and fit into such a tiny pool of money upon which I am trying to live.

Okay.  Not tiny.  Only tiny if you are chronically ill.

The x-ray shows arthritis has developed there.  So quickly is surprising ... at least the pain escalating so quickly.  What I need next to determine course of treatment is an MRI.  Yes, well, that is not happening, is it?  SIGH.  Right now, the topical pain treatment is my best option.

It just grieves me that so much of my life has to do with pain, dealing with it, figuring out how to treat it with the limited options available to me and with the even more limited funds available to me. I cannot just ignore the pain, but I want to do so.  I want to declare from here on out I will just fall silent.  I suppose I could do that.  But I would also want to truly be that hermit, the one who simply doesn't seen anyone.

Bones breaking.  That's what it feels like.  It hurts when I move my shoulder.  So much so that at times I gasp.  But it it almost worse when I am still.  And it feels as if the bone in my arm near my shoulder is breaking.  It aches just like when I've had broken bones in the past.  The aching gets to me.  Deeply.

So, I've spent the past two weeks mostly sleeping and resting and trying to recover from a visit from my mother.  And I've spent the past three weeks trying to swallow life with constant pain in my left shoulder.

More pain.
New pain.