I am not one for double posts, but I wanted to note a couple of things I learned today:

• Orange juice is a good way to recover from a drop in blood sugar severe enough to make you pass out. Too bad it didn't happen in the lab so that it could have been documented by another blood draw.
• If you have a nurse sticking you over and over to no avail, suggest she put the tourniquet just a hand's span up your arm. By having it closer to the wrist than the elbow, many a previously hidden vein will magically appear on the back of your hand. So successful a practice was this that I had all four sticks on the same hand and survived the experience with minimum discomfort!
  

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Tonight, I met with Pastor's wife to talk through a chart I had created concerning the reconstructive surgery toward which I have been working. Before they left on vacation, I had asked her if she would consider talking with me about the surgery. She is a pediatric oncology nurse--an amazingly tough job--and I thought she could a) help me figure out some things about the hospital and b) talk in a clinical, dispassionate manner about that which is rather upsetting to me. I was of two minds about whether or not I should have asked her in the first place and was half-hoping she would have forgotten so that I could escape another social gaffe. However, she emailed me Sunday afternoon since she did not get to a chance to speak with me while we were at church.

Many a time Pastor has commented that she gets the short end of the stick being his wife. He was called, not she. Her vocation is not to minister to his flock, but often pastor's wives are expected to do just that. I hesitated in asking, even though I thought her personality and experience were the perfect combination for the help I desired, because of his comments. I told myself that I would not be taking advantage of her if I asked her, if I gave her the choice. I wonder, though, if the mere act of asking was burden aplenty.

Given my struggle and wavering resolve to somehow stick to the social contract, I spent much of the day thinking that I should just cancel, that it wasn't right to ask for her help. I chickened out and went anyway.

When Pastor talks about his wife, he does so with great love, but also with frank and open admiration. While I would still say that I do not really know her, she appears to be deserving of the latter.

I had created a chart (pros, cons, fears, and options to mitigate that which I am worried about) as a discussion guide. While she kept saying she didn't have any answers (she and Pastor are certainly two peas in a pod), she had wonderful questions and pointed me in the right direction to think about the next step.

A while ago, I had called and bawled over the phone to her, another selfish move on my part, because of what I had learned about the surgery. I want the repair, but what I have to do to get there seemed (and sort of still does) truly insurmountable. She very bluntly, yet kindly, told me that I had to stop looking at the big picture or I was going to drive myself crazy (she might have murmured that I was already half way there). She said that I merely needed to focus on the next step. I have been trying very, very hard to heed that rather sage piece of advice. Tonight, as selfish as I felt in having the meeting, was a next step.

Because I thought it is truly relevant to the decision-making process, I talked with her about some uncomfortable truths about me and about my experience last week. I still question whether or not it was just another violation of the social contract, but she said it was okay and that knowing helped her better understand the information on the chart.

I will say this about JM's staff (yes, we were at the same pizza place where Pastor and I had our heated disagreement): they are very discrete. Much of the time, I am ashamed to admit, was spent with tears running down my face. I had ducked into a booth tucked away in a corner, but we were still given plenty of space and quiet. To me, that in itself was a gift. I suppose I should tell him so, but how do I without explaining the tears?

Thanks to her fine mind and extremely generous gift of time, I am in possession of a list of some very cogent questions, the answers to which will help determine the next step. My only regret, beside the horror I felt when I got into my car and saw the very late hour appearing on my dashboard clock, was that I wished that I had a chance to get to know her without being who I am now. She has this macabre sense of humor that just reeks of intelligent wit!

We prayed the blessing and thanksgiving from the Small Catechism together. I had thought I might ask her to pray a psalm or the Wednesday prayer from the Treasury of Daily Prayer (I have a copy of that and the Litany in my bible now), but felt as if I shouldn't ask. Speaking the words of the Psalter and the Lord's Prayer found in the meal liturgy with another, letting her voice carry the words that are hard for me to say right now, was a great comfort.

I wish someone would take the pieces of my turmoil and lay them out before me, pointing out what is wrong and what is right, what is Truth and what is not. It is very, very difficult not to believe that my experience, my reality, is that upon which I should hang my hat...in a temporal sense.

I think that is why I kept returning to the entry on Grace that I posted below this morning as I was waiting in the lab for the next stick.

What was the sweetest moment of the evening? A very quiet, yet joyous reminder that I am baptized. She was there!

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O Lord, do not rebuke me in Your anger,
Nor chasten me in Your wrath.
Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am pining away;
Heal me, O Lord, for my bones are dismayed.
And my soul is greatly dismayed;
But You, O Lord--how long?
Return, O Lord, rescue my soul.
Save me because of Your lovingkindness.
For there is no mention of You in death;
In Sheol who will give You thanks?
I am weary with my sighing;
Every night I make my bed swim,
I dissolve my couch with my tears.
My eye has wasted away with grief;
It has become old because of all my adversaries.
Depart from me, all you who do iniquity.
For the Lord has heard the voice of my weeping.
The Lord has heard my supplication,
The Lord receives my prayer.
All my enemies will be ashamed and greatly dismayed;
They shall turn back, they will suddenly be ashamed.

~Psalm 6