If only I did not have to eat...

The problem the past two days is that when I eat, I become incredibly nauseous ... more so than I already am.  Of course, when I eat, I am also setting myself up for the whole delayed and disrupted digestion cycle that can be so horrid to endure.  Still, I am not used to the non-stop nausea growing worse with food.

I sure do like to eat.  SIGH

For the most part, since stopping the erythromycin last Tuesday night, I have done a far, far, far better job at eating multiple tiny meals than I have been of late.  Eating small meals has been a lot like taking tepid showers.  Hot water fells me.  Only I love hot showers ... relish blanching myself in there.  So, I start off with tepid water, and then shower by shower, I nudge the hot water lever up until I exit the shower looking very much like a gigantic tomato ... and then faint.  I can eat the tiny meals for a while, then I start eating a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more ... until really I am eating a regular meal.

Given how much worse the innards misery has become, I have been keeping to my vow not to add to that misery by having a large amount of food in my stomach at one time.  For example, I really enjoy spinach and artichoke dip with white corn chips.  For the past two boxes (mostly I just get the frozen TGI Friday's version), I have added a few dollops of sour cream and some cheese and then divided the amount into thirds, putting away two-thirds in glass bowls in the refrigerator before taking a single bite.  [That way I cannot cheat].

My one failing has been the basil burgers, a near obsession of mine.  Oh, my, are they tasty!  With them, I eat an entire burger at one sitting.  While I had been having two, plus some sort of side, plus dessert, having just one is still a bit much.  It would be better if I could eat half at a time, but that would take far, far, far more will power than I have.  My concession has been to only have the burger and nothing else and then also have tiny, tiny portions for all other meals that day.  The funny thing is, to me, that I have never really cared for home-made burgers.  But then a seminary bride spent 8 weeks cooking in my kitchen and her first basil burger offering changed my life.

[I think that I might not have posted the photo array and recipe here, as I did on Facebook, so I will below.  Just posting makes me long to hop in the car and get some more buns and meat (I have all the other ingredients).]

The other "vow" I took was to drink more. I do not drink enough and were it up to me, basically all I would consume is Dr Pepper and whole milk.  I have been trying to have just one Dr Pepper a day and have my second caffeine drink (to help with the headaches and migraines) be black tea.  I have also tried to drink at least 16 ounces of water and 12 ounces of Gatorade.  Someone, long, long ago, gave me some Trader Joe's Organic Green Earl Grey tea.  I promptly put it away and gave it nary a thought.  This summer, I "discovered" it and tried it.  Much to my surprise, I find it to be rather tasty.  So, most days I have an over-sized mug of that, too.  [I need to find someone willing to mail me more, since I will soon be out of my stash.]

I suppose a part of me basically resents the nausea.  Here I am doing the "right" things: 1) eating small, multiple meals; 2) drinking at least three times as much as I did; 3) and am having only easily digestible foods as my final meal of the day.  Of course, I also have the extra strong gas medication and activated charcoal every day, sometimes have antacids, and have raised the head of my bed with bricks.  So, if I am being "good," a part of me thinks I shouldn't be facing this wretched, all-consuming nausea.  The world doesn't really work that way, though, does it?  SIGH.

Mostly, I am weary. I am weary of having to swallow (pun intended) yet another bit of wretchedness about dysautonomia.  I mean, I have to get used to low blood pressure and fainting, then the nerves in my head making me ill, then the anxiety, then the deepening of cognitive dysfunction, then my body no longer able to maintain a normal temperature, then the migraines, then the digestive problems, then the uncontrollable hyperglycemia, and now innards misery.  All of which means that sleep is such a rare commodity, one that usually takes place in increments of no more than 3 hours, but usually lasting a mere 90 minutes.

While never all that vain, these days I avoid looking at my mid-section, since it is always swollen to some degree and the skin is now rather mottled, rivaling any sort of "alien" skin Hollywood might produce.  I have to think about every single thing I eat and when I have eaten and in what order thing should be eaten.  I eat and spend hours writhing on the bathroom floor due to nausea, swelling, pain, gas, and finally diarrhea (which often is accompanied by a drop in blood pressure and fainting).  Now, the non-stop nausea.  This just ... stinks.

It is hard, so very hard, at times to muster up anything close to a positive attitude.  What to know what sometimes does it for me?  Amos' snores.  He snores like a 300-lb drunken sailor!  Whenever he gets going, no matter how I am feeling, at least some part of me smiles and savors both the moment and the blessing that white fluff ball is to me each and every day.

I suppose I should note, for the record, that Amos has absolutely no problem consuming any of my left-overs, should the nausea become too much for me to finish my meal ... as long as it is not a banana.  The walking canine garbage disposal detests bananas.  Funny, eh?

Basil Burgers

1 egg, slightly beaten
1/4 cup chopped onion
1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese
2 tablespoons fine dry bread crumbs
2 tablespoons snipped fresh basil or 1 teaspoon dried basil, crushed
2 tablespoons ketchup
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon, black pepper
1 clove garlic, minced
1 pound lean ground beef
Nonstick cooking spray
4 whole wheat hamburger buns, split and toasted
Fresh basil
4 tomato slices

In a medium bowl, combine egg, onion, Parmesan cheese, bread crumbs, fresh basil, ketchup, salt, pepper, and garlic. Add beef; mix well. Shape beef mixture into four 3/4 inch thick patties.

Lightly coat a heavy skillet with cooking spray (or use a heavy non-stick skillet). Preheat skillet over medium-high heat until hot. Add patties. Reduce heat to medium and cook, uncovered, for 12 to 15 minutes or until temperature registers 160 degrees on an instant-read thermometer, turning patties once halfway through cooking. If patties brown too quickly, reduce heat to medium low. Serve patties on buns with basil leaves and tomato slices.

Of course, I omit the tomato slices.  Disliking onions, I tried mincing them, but they made the burgers too moist and they fell apart upon cooking.  This also happened when, due to a lack of Parmesan cheese, I tried using some Asiago I had on hand.  I did try many a way of using a real onion before I resorted to using onion powder.  I suspect my pan, not as good as the seminary bride's, is part of the issue.  But my last batch had three out of four burgers remain in one piece during the removing of them from the pan.  I am nearly there.

I did buy the exact same digital thermometer as she had.  It is from Wal-Mart and was something like $5.  At first I found it weird cooking to a temperature, but doing so makes them perfectly cooked.  

Since the recipe makes four, that means I have left-overs for three days.  My favorite way to eat them is with a thick slab of sharp cheddar cheese and copious amounts of yellow mustard on both sides of the bun. I will also note that while I am NOT a whole wheat bun person, to me they do not taste as good on a plain bun.

For the record, Amos loves basil burgers, too!

I am Yours, Lord.  Save me!