Mr. UPS man was delivering more ice packs. Three freezer shelves are still not enough, but the four more Mueller ones will help. Those are the larger ones that melt faster but help when I am also nauseous, as well as trying to numb the nerves on the back of my head, because they are larger and mold around the whole of the back of my head rather than just a strip. To put it differently, I do not have to be careful to keep them in place when I am writhing in massive nausea. [Sandra introduced me to the Mueller ones, for which I am ever grateful.]
The best ice packs are the Cold Pack from Walgreen's, the darker blue ones, for they stay colder the longest. The lighter blue are 3M ones I get from Amazon.com. At night, I put down a dark blue, two light blues, and then the wider one on top. I discovered that I sleep longer if I have more ice packs keeping each other colder longer. I put the Cold Pack on the very bottom of the pile and sometimes can get away with pulling it out, moving it to the top of the pile, and laying the side of my head on it to sleep a little longer before having to go downstairs for more ice packs. My dream bedroom accessory would be a grounded, heavy gauge outlet in one of my closets in which I could plug a chest freezer that would somehow fit through the door.
The three dark blue ones on the third shelf (the bin is full of ice packs, too) are in ziploc bags because they broke open. I woke with blue gel in my hair. Since they are approximately $6 each, I put them in a Ziploc bag. I wish I knew what kind of tape I could use that would stay sticky in the freezer so I could cut the bag. I wish this because using them means they slip and slide all over the place with the extra bag material. Plus, if I forget to unroll them, the extra two layers of plastic (when rolled up) blunts the numbing effect.
To get through the days and nights now that I have to lie down more, I need more ice packs. Still. SIGH. In case you were wondering, ice packs melt quickly, but they do not re-freeze in any sort of speedy manner. I hope to get 4 more next month and 4 more the month following, depending on how much the co-pays of all the consultations and inevitable testing turns out to be.
Something I have encountered over the past years came up today and has remained on my mind as I thought about the added relief those four new ice packs will bring is this notion of the comparison of suffering. In my opinion, it is an errant one.
To me, comparing suffering is moot. It is like sin. Sin is sin is sin. What is a "small" sin to you might be a "big" sin to me, but those adjectives are useless. Sin is sin. Yes, the earthly consequences of sin might different from one to another, but the effect of sin is the same. From my early evangelical days, I learned a definition that I still prefer: sin is a state of being—separation from God.
Suffering is suffering. It is a battle of mind, body, and spirit, even if you are not fully aware of how all three are affected by your suffering. Physical suffering is never without some sort of mental suffering. Nor is mental suffering ever without an impact on the body. And all suffering affect the spirit, affects faith … how you think and believe and respond.
I have had people say to me that they felt bad mentioning their own suffering to me, even feel guilty about it. Hogwash! Now, I am not meaning to discredit their feelings, but I do wish to correct the thinking behind those feelings. And not just the thought that all suffering is suffering.
I want to hear about the suffering of my friends and neighbors. I am an ex-evangelical, after all. I pray for them and long to know how to best pray for them, even knowing that our Triune God is never unaware of their needs. I want to hear about the suffering of my friends and neighbors so that I can encourage and support them. And, selfishly so, I want to hear about the suffering of my friends and neighbors so that: 1) I might feel less alone and 2) might learn from them how to be better gracious about my own suffering.
It is okay to speak of your suffering, to let others know of your struggles. No suffering is too small to speak of, to share. It is okay to feel weak and weary, to be tired of your own struggles. It is okay to feel as if your faith is paltry when you struggle. It is okay to want to be a better sufferer. It is okay not not want to suffer at all. It is okay ... no matter how you are. We live in a fallen world that makes a wretched existence from birth to death. We also live in a fallen world made beautiful and perfect in the joy, peace, and forgiveness that we have, despite our struggles and failures, in the faith given to us from Christ.
From the moment of our conception, we are on a journey to death, a journey God never intended for us. Our bodies, minds, and spirits battle our foe ... battle the devil, his minions, the world, and our own flesh. There is not a human ever born who has not suffered, who has not struggled with the weight of life in a fallen world.
Sometimes suffering is of the body.
Sometimes suffering is of the mind.
Sometimes suffering is of the spirit.
Usually, it is some facet of all three.
I rather like what Luther wrote to his father, February 15, 1530, upon hearing of his illness:
Let your heart be strong and at ease in your trouble, for we have yonder a true mediator with God, Jesus Christ, who has overcome death and sin for us and now sits in heaven with all his angels, looking down on us and awaiting us so that when we set out we need have no fear or care lest we should should sink and fall to the ground. He has such great power over sin and death that they cannot harm us, and he is so heartily true and kind that he cannot and will not forsake us, at least if we has his help without doubting.
He has said, promised, and pledged this. He will not and cannot lie; of that we are certain. "Ask," says he, "and it shall be given to you; seek, and ye shall find, knock, and it shall be opened unto you." And elsewhere:"Whosoever shall call on the name of the Lord shall be saved." The whole Psalter is full of such comforting promises, especially Ps. 91, which is particularly good to read to the sick.
I wish to write this to you because I am anxious about your illness (for we know not the hour), that I might become a participant of your faith, temptation, consolation, and thanks to God for his holy Word, which he has richly and graciously given us at this time.
If it is his divine will that you should postpone that better life and continue to suffer with us in this troubled and unhappy vale of tears, to see and hear sorrow and help other Christians to suffer and conquer, he will give you the grace to accept all this willingly and obediently. This life, cursed by sin, is nothing but a vale of tears. The longer a man lives, the more sin and wickeness and plague and sorrow he sees and feels. Nor is there respite or cessation this side of the grave. Beyond is repose, and we can then sleep in the rest Christ gives us until he come again to wake us with joy. Amen. (Letters of Spiritual Counsel, pp. 31-32)
Now, that whole "without doubt" bit does frighten me, but I am trying to hold onto the fact that God knows us, knows that it is not possible for us ever to be perfect in our trust. And Christ's heart is always strong and at ease. So, it is not that we have to always confidently and triumphantly thumb our noses at the devil with the truth of Christ crucified, for us. No, even if all we do is moan and groan wordless pleas, the Holy Spirit will still take that ask to Christ who will carry it to the Father, all the while being the consummate obedient and trusting faithful servant of God for us.
Thus, if you are suffering and wish not to be alone with that burden, speak to your friends and family. Do not diminish your own pain, your own anguish, your own confusion. If you are suffering, ask for someone to read the Word aloud to you, for it WILL ease you, even if only for a small spate of time, without anything else changing. All the effects of sin in this world will remain ... illness, anger, violence, grief, loss, poverty ... all of it. But the Word will lift you from that, will wrap you in Christ crucified for you, because it is more powerful than all the suffering of this world of all time melded together in a single moment. The Living Word is the perfect bastion.
If you know someone who is suffering, bring the Living Word to them, for them. Speak it, text it, email it, Skype it, mail it ... the Holy Spirit will do the rest. Bring them great big chunks of it, if possible. Read a gospel (like John) or an epistle (like Galatians) all at once. Fill their ears overflowing with the prayers of the Psalter, so that they will know that they are known by God, known in their doubts and fears, in their illness and fear, in their faith and hope for salvation. What are my picks for the Psalter? Psalms 13, 27, 31, 42, 43, 51, 61, 69, 77, 91, 103, 104, 116, 121, 136, and 139.
I am Yours, Lord. Save me!
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