If...

If Tim had not talked to me about replacing the lattice instead of scraping for eons and repainting, I never would have known.  If he had not ripped out all of the lattice and exposed the porch support columns, I never would have known that some IDIOT thought it perfectly acceptable to shim the bottom of one of columns and then fill the bare spot with foam glue.  If he had not ripped out the lattice around the base of the porch, I never would have known that somehow, rather terrifyingly, TWO of the three support columns are missing.  One was replaced with a single 2x6 rather poorly attached to just about nothing structurally sound.  The other is simply gone.

I am absolutely and completely thankful that Tim had the idea about replacing the lattice.  I am absolutely and completely thankful that God sent me a man who is willing to make my home a better place for pennies on the dollar.  I am also absolutely and completely overwhelmed at the magnitude of the two problems we found.

Jack it up.

That is simply not a phrase I ever wanted to hear.  But the porch floor will be jacked up and FOUR support columns will be added.  And then the porch ceiling will be jacked up so that the existing support columns can be replaced.  Some 2x4s will be added to the existing support columns at the house to tie together the outer support columns via vertical 2x4s.  Tim believes stronger is better. and more-than-necessary is his M.O. when it comes to most things he does.

See those itty bitty pieces of wood???  Yes, that is a result of lattice installed by hand, most likely before commercially produced sheets were available.  That made the demolition work more lengthy and more strenuous.

When Firewood Man discovered the problem beneath the porch, I just about died.  Well, fainted for the second time today.  But I am not really a swooner. I am a puker.  Although I tried mightily to contain my upsettedness, I was clearly in distress.  Tim, sweet man, picked up all the bits of lattice and helped me sweep clean the porch and sidewalks before he left.  He understands that mess—chaos—distresses me.

He also told me about a million times that the problem has clearly existed for years and so my porch is not going to suddenly fall off the house.  Good thing that I do not currently have a rank of wood sitting on there.  SIGH.

Then, I bewailed my upsettedness to others and asked them to tell me about a million times that my porch is not going to suddenly fall off the house.

It is probably a tad churlish of me to resent the cost of temporary support posts that are needed during the jacking up of porches and roofs.  I mean, you cannot just take out a column and put a new one up.  You have to put in a temporary one, remove the bad one, install the new one, remove the support post, and then repeat the process over and over again.

I must say, suddenly, the thought of not being able to stain the airing porch until next spring (when the pressure treated wood is dried out) no longer seems so distressing.  Would that it were that was my only trial for the porch overhaul project.

Such large ... massive even ... IFs today.  If Tim had not removed the lattice.  If I had continued piling up a rank of wood several times each winter on the weakest part of the porch floor.  If.

I shudder at the thought.
I also shudder at the words "jack it up."
I wish I were the kind of person, at the moment, who can go out and get plastered.
I could use a bit of oblivion about now.

Despite all of this, I am having rather radical thoughts about the back porch.  Standing on it all free of lattice, I suddenly realized how totally wonderful it would be to be able to look out the kitchen window and see my back yard.  So, I am almost decided on leaving the side walls full lattice, but building only a lattice railing on the long back wall, with an opening for the steps.  No full wall.  No extra door to close and bar with a sliding bolt.  Just a wide open view of my yard.

How crazy would that be???

To end on a less upsetted note, my sister is buying me a steamer lounge chair for the airing porch.  That way, I will be able to languish up there in comfort.  The one I chose is acacia wood that I can seal (I just adore all things wood).  To my mind, it cannot arrive soon enough.  But I am not so sure I wish to be lounging beneath the stars until I know my undercarriage is more secure.  Even though there is no wood on the deck.  And even though there has been two people and pounds and pounds and pounds of equipment and extra lumber up on the airing porch for six days now.  It's quite bare.  Just the porch and three pieces of wood to weather along with the porch so I will have more accurate stain samples when choosing a color.

Amos is all for venturing out into the promised land.  He's been barred this entire time.  However, I think I shall wait.  Given my weak will power, it would be good if my sister's airing porch warming gift does not arrive for a while.  Say ... not until after all is repaired and restored on the porch below.

A brief respite this day ... I received two Lowe's coupons in the mail.  Firewood Man is a Menard's man, but the vinyl lattice and quarter round we need is at Lowe's.  That means all this work will cost me $60 less! 

Focus on the positive, Myrtle, not the disastrous....