New normal...

the grief that is the constantly changing "new normal"

I read that phrase today and thought about my conversation at the doctor's office yesterday with one of the nurses.

"Does that happen often?"

She was asking me about the flushing in my cheeks.  It started when the nurse was taking my vitals and she was surprised at how red I got, how hot my skin is, too.  Yes, it does happen often, with increasing frequency.  It has to do with vascular function going haywire, is neurological in nature, and often happens only in one cheek.

Why that stood out is that a "new normal" is looking in the mirror and seeing a rather ruddy complexion.  If I were an English boy, that would fit.  But I am not.  I am a Southern gal who's been pale all her life.  Until now.

What bothers me is my checks will now remain red even after the heat fades.  And, regrettably, there are very fine, dark red spider veins (I think you would call them that) in my cheeks.  For the first time in my life, I have actually wanted to wear foundation on my face.  Only I do not bother with make-up much, or a brush, or any sort of personal grooming beyond brushing my teeth and putting on a bit of mascara.  Maybe moisturizer and power if I want to be a bit polished.

I have never been a particularly vain person because I have long had my unattractiveness drilled into me.  But the state of the skin on my cheeks bothers me.  Embarrasses me and I cannot really pinpoint why.  Other than it doesn't " look nice."  And, oh, have I ever learned how the importance of  appearance!

You could say that a "new normal" has been the constant evacuation of thick, bloody mucus, but I have been in denial about just how long that has been.  I am just so weary of it, but I am afraid to hope that this sinus infection might actually be wiped out.  The GP is doing three blood tests to see if this might be an autoimmune problem connected to/co-morbid with dyautonomia.

There are so very many "new normals."  Some I acknowledge.  Some come without my being completely aware of them.  Either way, there is that constant sense of loss, of having to re-adjust again and again and again.

I was surprised and a bit put-off, when my counseling started with session after session about living with chronic illness.  However, now, I find I want help with that as much as I do with healing and with shame.

Get over it.
Move on.
Let it go.

Those are some of the cruelest words spoken in the English language when it comes to trauma, loss, and grief.  They are not simply ignorant or insensitive.  They are brutal and harmful.  There is nothing well-meaning within them, no matter how one might try to paint them to be.

Instead, simply acknowledging the grief that is the constantly changing "new normal" can and does go a long way toward providing support and encouragement toward those battling chronic illness/bodily decline.