The key...

Hanging from my rear view window is a lanyard with a keyring on it.  The lanyard is purple and I chose it out of the bin of freebies at a convention because Becky's favorite color used to be purple.  The keyring on it was a gift from my cousin Daniel that is a photo (now faded) of Kashi and I at Becky's wedding.  The key on the keyring is the key to Becky's old house.

Once, when I was visiting and were out and about, her husband suggested I go ahead on to their home and he would follow.  I cannot remember the why of that suggestion, but what I do know is that I told him I would need a key.  He was surprised that I did not already have a key and promptly gave me one.  I remain floored by his actions and his attitude.  It remains one of my most prized possessions even if it would not actually open the door to the home where they now live.

After I graduated from high school, I never had a key to my parent's home.  In fact, after my parent's divorced, I never had a key to my father's home.  I also was never allowed to drive their cars, though they drove mine.  I was always a guest.

It is difficult for me to put into words how that makes me feel.  How I felt then and now.  Actually, perhaps, if I could remember, I should ask my counselor to help me figure it out, although we have not really made much headway into feelings ... into identifying them.  And I still do not do well having them.

I streamed Kelly Clarkson's American Idol's performance of her song "Piece by Piece," after reading an article about her breaking down whilst singing it.  I invite you to watch it.






And all I remember is your back
Walking towards the airport leaving us all in your past
I traveled 1500 miles to see you
Begged you to want me
But you didn't want to

But piece by piece you collected me
Up off the ground but you abandoned things
And piece by piece you filled the holes that you burned in me
At six years old and no
He never walks away
He never asks for money
He takes care of me
He loves me
Piece by piece
He restored my faith
That a man can be kind
And a father could stay

And all of your words fall flat
I made something of myself and now you wanna come back
But your love isn't free
It has to be earned
Back then I didn't have anything you needed
So I was worthless

But piece by piece you collected me
Up off the ground but you abandoned things
And piece by piece you filled the holes that you burned in me
At six years old and no
He never walks away
He never asks for money
He takes care of me
He loves me
Piece by piece
He restored my faith
That a man can be kind
And a father could stay

Piece by piece...

Piece by piece I fell far from the tree
I would never leave her like you left me
She will never have to wonder her worth
Because unlike you I'm gonna put her first
He'll never walk away
He'll never break her heart
He'll take care of things
He'll love her
Piece by piece
He restored my faith
That a man can be kind
And a father should be great

Piece by piece...

And listen to it again.
And read the lyrics.
And read them again.

Listening to her sing, I was reminded that she and Reba did a CMT Crossroads that I once saw, so I went looking for it.  Interesting that those two became friends and then family when Kelly married Reba's stepson.  Anyway, I streamed it.




Reba's favorite song that they did, that she wanted to sing was Kelly's song "Because of You":


I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

Reba finds the song powerful and they talked about how it helps people to not feel so alone, to be able to talk about their struggles, to connect.  But it is a song that Kelly finds difficult to sing and is reluctant to do so, not wanting to weep on stage.

Watching the episode reminded me that Reba was one of the CMT Giants episodes and artists did her songs.  So, I went and streamed that.




I know I have seen it ... or maybe I had only seen pieces of it, such as Jennifer Nettle's performance of "The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia" and Kelly and Martina McBride's duet of "Does He Love You?"  I did not remember any of the spoken parts of the night.

In watching the full episode, I learned more about Reba and something stood out to me.  Apparently she has this mantra that comes up again and again in the work that she does:  Everybody just wants to be loved and accepted.

The way she said it was so matter of fact.  Not like it was just a tag line or something like that.  Real. Honest.  Fervent.  And she just wanted to be loved and accepted.

In the song, "Piece by Piece," there is a line:  She will never have to wonder her worth.  The song says why, but just the concept of a child wondering her worth stood out.  Well, much of the song stands out.  And I was thinking how wild it is that Kelly Clarkson, with all her ginormous success, questions her worth, struggles with that.

I wanted a key.  I wanted a key to a family home.  I wanted to belong someplace.  As I said, I am still staggered that Gary so blithely and so freely gave me a key to their home because I was welcome there.  I didn't have to have permission to come inside.  I didn't have to stand on the outside looking in.

My house here, as I am wont to say, is my dream home.  Truly there is little more that I could want or would change.  It is beautiful and old and filled with history.  For the first time in my adult life, the antiques I have carted around from place to place to place finally look like they fit, like they belong.  It is palatial, really, for a single person.  I thought that ... well ... for years and years I wanted to have a home where folk could stay, that way station for visitors coming to church.  Funny that I finally have it and belong to no church.  SIGH.

It ... amuses me ... that I, being the poorest of the family, have the only home where our entire family could stay.  Having them all here at once was most difficult, but it was nice to be able to offer that, to be able to provide it, to be able to host.  I like that I have four spare bedrooms even if it is just Amos and I wandering about the place.

I think I have wanted Becky to ask me for a key, for her to want to belong in my home the way that I long to belong in hers.  But she has a home and family and numerous places and ways in which she belongs, where she is loved and accepted.  She doesn't need my key.

I tried to give my neighbor a key, but she didn't want it.  I have given out keys to my home here, but they have all come back to me.  I wanted ... I want ... someone to want to be able to walk inside, freely, to feel and to be at home.

I want to be their family.

Actually, Firewood Man has a key to the garage, which is also the key to the back door.  He likes to pretend that he does not know that because having a key to my home is quite scandalous to him.  However, when he has fresh GREEN eggs for me and I am not awake, he will use the key to slip them into my refrigerator.  I think that if he did not know that it would break my heart for him to give me back the key, now that there is no longer any need to get in the garage (the porch project being long over), he would do so.  If I were a nicer person, I would take the key back and relieve him of his discomfort.  Instead, I joke about him being the person most likely to find a bloated body in the house, long forgotten.

Tonight, I struggled to explain to someone why I had a key hanging from my rearview mirror.  Words failing me, I grabbed it in my hand, realizing how often I comfort myself that way.  When folk drive my car, they always ask if the key needs to be there, I suppose because they find it annoying to have a swaying lanyard next to them.  "No," I respond aloud, but inside I am begging, "Please leave my key alone!"

Despite the very good things I am learning about shame, the truth remains that I do not believe I am worthy of love and belonging.  But Reba is right.  I do just want to be loved and accepted.  And I want the keys to prove it.