Resilience...

I tried to be productive today, but in a measured sense.

For the first time, I actually took two days unpacking my Amazon Subscribe & Save shipment, putting away the items, and cutting down the boxes for recycling.  Yesterday, I unpacked and cut down the two boxes (the toilet paper comes in a separate box).  I also put away the toilet paper, the trash bags, and flax seed oil pills.  Today, I put away the granola bars, took the boxes out to recycling, and slid the bag of dog food down the basement steps so that I could divide it into the containers I use to keep it fresh for the two months it lasts.

A new me.
Sort of.

I also had to re-fill my daily medications holder.  The process is taking longer and longer because of all the supplements that I am taking.  SIGH.  I am so not a supplement person.  But I have now added colace (generic, of course), magnesium, and the flax seed oil for my sluggish innards.  I was a bit skeptical when the new GP asked me to try again with the magnesium and said the colace would be okay long term in my situation.  However, I think they are both a step in the positive direction.  Maybe.  Trying to address my innards is such a slow business (double entendre intended).

My reward for not overdoing it with Amazon shipment was to build a fire.  After two loads of wood that was not especially willing to burn, I am back to easy peasy fires.  Plus, after a timely word or two, Firewood Man had the men doing the splitting for me create pieces of wood that are more appropriate for a disabled old lady!

When I received Amazon gift cards for Christmas, I dutifully decided to use them for the supplements that the integrative medicine specialist has me taking.  However, I did finally get a tarp for the wood pile.  It is GREEN, of course and oiled canvas.  On the back side, I have it hanging all the way down to the floor.  It has worked rather well in both snow and rain ... especially the rain.   For me, anything that aids my fires is vital to the homestead.  I've been looking at tarps for two years now, but finally took the plunge.  I am glad I did.

The other productivity for today was to finish my thank you cards.  I've had them done for everyone else but the child gifts that I received.  I have a difficult time writing cards, because I believe them to be correspondence.  It is hard enough sending the regular notes to my friends since I do not receive responses.  With the children, I mostly didn't know what to say besides "thank you," which doesn't seem to be enough.  I am glad I got them done, though long overdue.  I believe sending thank you notes for gives and acts of mercy is important.

Finally, I started reading the book on shame I ordered:  I thought It Was Just Me [but it isn't] by Dr. Brené Brown.

I told the counselor that part of me was curious about her work ... more willing to read it ... because she is an qualitative researcher ... what I once was.  I understand her process and really admired her openness in talking about the research process.  In qualitative research, the data drives the question, not the other way round.  It is based on what is called "rich data" from primary sources, primarily interviews, writings, and observations.

I think was attracted me the most was what I read online from the introduction:

This book offers information, insight and specific strategies for understanding shame and building "shame resilience."  We can never become completely resistant to shame; however, we can develop resilience we need to recognize shame, move through it constructively and grow from our experience.  Across the interview, women with high levels of shame resilience shared four things in common.  I refer to these factors as the four elements of shame resilience.  The four elements of shame resilience are the heart of this book.  As we learn more about shame resilience and start to put the elements into practice, we can start to move through the by-products of shame—fear, blame and disconnection—and move toward the courage, compassion and connection we need to live our best, authentic lives.

To me, I found the language hopeful.  She isn't telling me that she can make me never feel shame or become immune to it.  She isn't telling me that I've done something wrong that needs to be fixed.  She's telling me that I can examine the construct of shame to better understand it so that, in understanding, I can get to the other side of those times when shame overwhelms me and leave behind some of the fear that is my constant companion.  At least that's what I see in there.

That's what I hope for....