Waiting...

A short while ago, I learned that the hormones I switched to after Larin went off the market a couple of months ago were recalled.  The pharmacist was certain that this was just a recall and would not result in my having a switch again.  I was nervous, but his words reassured me.

On insurance, you generally have a short window in which you can pick up your prescriptions early.  So, for example, I can pick up the pack on day 17 for the 21 pills.  After a long while of doing so, I am now over a pack ahead.  I am very, very, very careful to be ahead on the hormones, the arthritis pain medicine, and (now) my blood pressure medication.  At first, it was because I wanted to be ahead.  Now it is because I need to be ahead. I need to because I forget to pick up my refills and am oft late on fetching them.

Then, this week, I got the call that Gildess is being pulled from the market.  SIGH.

I freaked out.  I looked up the remaining brand options.   I freaked out some more.  I called my specialist's office and left a rather pitiful voice mail message.  And then I freaked out even more.  Somewhere in the middle of all of that, I started wondering ... what would happen if I went off the hormones?

When the nurse from the specialist called back, it turns out my doctor and she had had the same thought.  They were not sure how to bring it up with me, given just how bad I was four years ago and just how terrified I am of going back there.  But it turns out that I am the one who did first.  I asked the question.  And so we are waiting to see what the answer is.

This morning, I stared at the 6:00 AM handful of pills from the first box in the day's container for the longest time.  In it was not the tiny hormone pill that I half wanted to be there.  I kept thinking It's been 48 hours now .... when will I start the decline?  I really am afraid of what might happen.

Will I start bleeding again?
Will I get my period again?
Will I fall into insensibility again?
Will?
Will?
Will?

All the things that were resolved once my hormones were balanced.  All the things that made life so difficult.  I fear them.  And yet I have wondered.  It's been five years of hormone therapy.  Maybe I am better.  I am forty-nine.  Maybe menopause has started.  I now have the theanine.  Maybe the anxiety medication will be the difference.  Those are three huge differences to where I was five years ago.  Perhaps there is less to fear.

Even now, I am thinking ... it's been 66 hours; when will the shoe drop?  I think the difference in me, a difference I see since the spring, is that I actually have a bit of hope.  Maybe the shoe won't drop.  Maybe, even if my cycle returns, it will not be so awful.  Maybe this one part of my body will no longer be a disaster.

Still, I do not much like waiting.