Showering myself...

When I was out today, I spotted this very old couple walking into Lowe's.  They were holding hands. It was this really strange moment for me.  Normally, seeing loving couples hurts in a way that emphasizes that I have lived my life alone, that no one has ever loved me.  And, these days, I think about how, in all likelihood, I will die having never known the loved that I am seeing.  But, today, what I saw was so ... pure.  I know absolutely nothing about that couple and yet I know that they were  gentle and kind to each other.

I watched them for a while.  They dropped hands so that the husband could push the cart, but whenever he stopped, they clasped hands once more.  When the wife bent to look at flowers, the husband put one hand on the small of her back and one on her upper arm, supporting her as she bent over.  It wasn't that she seemed to need support, but more than he wanted to be close with her.  As they browsed, I think they inhabited their own little world.  I saw him, looking at her, whist she was admiring a blossom, touching it with her fingers.  I swear, I could hear him thinking, "I can't believe she's mine."

It was a weird and sweet and oddly calming to watch them.  I think, too, it was a bit hopeful.  But hope of what??

I was at Lowe's because I finally found large pipe wind chimes that I could have for my haven.  Alas, after hanging them, I realized they are too large large pipe wind chimes.  So, the hunt remains.

My other trip out was to Walmart to get four things:  kitchen towels, heavy duty foil, chicken, and fabric.

Since I have never, as an adult, had a grand birthday party (or much of one at all), I decided—as I've practically shouted to the world—to celebrate my 50th myself.  For me, that includes getting the presents I've never really gotten.  I admit, I was greatly disappointed when I got my Ph.D. and I was the only one to celebrate the accomplishment.  I bought a bed (I'd only ever had a twin at that point), an antique book by Gene Stratton Porter, and a puppy dog.  This celebration, I have been thinking of things that will either make my life easier or things I struggle to believe I've earned or deserve.

Retroactively, I'm calling the handles on my garage and recycling bins a birthday present.  After all, if I am doing the celebrating, then I can make such declarations, eh?  I bought a new cover for my laptop, to replace the broken one.  [I often drop my laptop and the covers blunt the impact.]  This time, instead of getting one that was as cheap as possible, I got one that I have been hankering for:  Vincent Van Gogh's Starry Night.  This is a reminder of my second most favorite television episode: Doctor Who's "Vincent and The Doctor."

It is such an exquisite exploration of mental illness buried in the sci-fi-ness of it all and it has my most favorite quote:

The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. Good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant.   ~The Doctor

The fabric is for a larger weighted blanket in my bed.  I like the small one I use, but sometimes I want my torso and my shoulders covered.  I've had enough of the weighted pellets (I think) for a while now, but I have been waiting to 1) find the right design on the Waverly fabrics I've been using and 2) have the money for a larger fabric purchase.

I bought blue and kaki denim flowy skirts, because I want to wear less men's lounge pants and the peasant skirts I bought several years ago have fallen apart.

I bought a new band for my medical alert bracelet because the current one keeps slipping off since one of the clasps is loose.  However, I bought a pretty one this time, instead of the cheapest, most practical stainless steel link chain I could find.

I bought a plastic wrap dispenser because I am absolutely tired of fighting to tear off pieces of plastic wrap.  And, since I cook most of my food now, I am using more plastic wrap than I ever have before.  No matter what brand I try, I have the hardest time tearing one off.  The dispenser has this slide zipper that makes cutting plastic wrap a breeze.  I chose one that was sunflowers because of that same Doctor Who episode, remaining me of Van Gogh's sunflower paintings.

The biggest thing that I have bought, thus far, is a Roku.  Selling my Roku and keeping the free Fire TV stick was a HUGE mistake.  I HATE the Firestick.  So much of it is not as intuitive as the Roku, but it also kicks me off Netflix all the time.  I think it is cursed.

The other big present was "Fringe."  Frankly, I shouldn't have to explain why I wanted that show.  It's just so stinking awesome!!  Plus, when Becky is here for my extended birthday celebration, we plan to binge watch the last two seasons because it left Netflix before she could watch it.

And, well, I guess you can say that finishing off my haven are many other presents.  I mean, I have the tulip stained glass window (which hopefully will be framed by my actual birthday), the table set, the table settings, the fire pit, and the makings of the fountain.  And the wind chimes if I ever find what I need.  I did save for four years for my haven.  I just didn't save enough.  So, I raided my retirement savings to finish it.  It has exceeded my expectations as far as providing a sense of privacy and safety.  It really has made my life more bearable.

Of course, I did not plan to have to replace the darned printer and the darned ceiling fan and the darned sleep mate (and the darned refrigerator last December).  But, right now, I am just not looking at my budget.  I have a plan ... a hugely austere plan for the rest of 2017.  Of course, if either or both the repeat thyroid scan and the repeat kidney function blood work are not ... good ... medical expenses might blow my plan.  And I have been looking for more things to sell on Craigslist.  For example, I did not have the electrician install the remote device on the fan.  He said they sell for $32 as an add-on, so I am hoping I could sell it.  I doubt they will sell, but I re-used my shades from the original fan and so I have a set from the new fan.  Little things.  And maybe that darned Fire TV stick.

My aunt sent me Spring treat money, so I immediately changed that into early birthday money and bought the pump for the fountain.

And ... let's be honest.  I usually get two checks for my birthday.  I know you are not supposed to count your chickens before they hatch, but I figure that I shall pay myself back just a bit.

Oh, yes, I also opened a new credit card, one with slightly better rewards and a $100 bonus in the first three months.  I count that bonus as birthday money!!  I currently earn 1.25 miles for every dollar spent.  This one is 1.5% cash back.  Since all I do is get account credits, switching to a cash back card is just fine.  And I'm sticking with the same bank.  I charge as much as possible and pay it off every month just to earn rewards.  It may not seem like much, but I think that .25 bump will help.

I have a few more presents on my list, the chief being a glass straw with a frog on it.  Maybe.  Something practical and fun.  But I might be at the end of my buying list.  After all, I have definitely treated myself in a way that I never have.

Plus, I've been trying to figure out about the cardiologist's suggestion that I upgrade my Fitbit to a heart rate monitor one so that I can more easily know what my heart rate is.  If I am more aware when it is low, I might move more at those times to lower the amount of time I am being paced.  I think that is a sound plan.  And if I do qualify for the Restasis and the Dulera manufacturer medication assistance programs, then I should be able to swing a new one through my medical budget funds.  The birthday part would be two-fold:  1) I decided on the Alta HR, but I think I would like the special order one black gun metal, which is $30 more, and 2) I would like to have a different band (I found a brown leather one for $12.98).

Oh, yes, and I want a cake.  I want a real cake, a wonderful cake ... not a Walmart bakery cake.

So much treating and wanting for someone who's been struggling to learn to live on a low income with deep medical bills, eh?

My original idea for a birthday celebration was the old-fashioned weekend party.  I wanted my three close friends to come.  I wanted them to come and celebrate with me because I've never had a party as an adult.  Frankly, I never thought folk would come if I had a party.  I've never had a party of any kind.  And since I have had no wedding to attend or baby shower or the like, I wanted my 50th to be that grand reason for a visit.

Becky is coming, making the trip for my greedy, greedy self, from Thursday to Tuesday (an extended, extended weekend).  Celia is coming, but only for one day.  She just couldn't arrange more.  Mary cannot be here.  I can barely think about that, about how disappointed I am that my one chance to have my three friends together fell through.  I think having them all come was really too much to hope for ... I thought for sure that Becky would, because her mother is so very kind about helping with the children so that she can travel and her beloved has been so very gracious over the course of their entire marriage to make sure he did what he could so that Becky and I could visit ... but not all three.  Sure enough, my weekend birthday party dream isn't going to happen.  I sort of moved on to showering myself with presents.  SIGH.

I think the real gift has been—at least thus far—is that my showering has been without guilt.  I made the choice.  I think I can recover from the showering.  I have enjoyed my gifts thus far.  And I have not felt undeserving of the things I have chosen.

I do wonder if anyone else would understand or if I would just be considered reckless.