Wretchedness...

Yesterday, I woke early to a phone call canceling my MRIs scheduled for the 20th.  I have been so very worried about having my pacemaker turned off for them that a part of me was instantly relieved.  That is, I was so until I learned why my appointment was canceled:  my pacemaker is not rated for MRIs.

When I was learning about the model I was getting, I specifically asked about MRIs because I have them regularly. Well, I had them regularly until I started avoiding them a few years ago.  Avoiding neurologists, rather.  I asked several times in my nervousness.  And yet somehow my leads can be in an MRI, but my pacemaker itself cannot.

I am overwhelmed.

Trying to wrap my mind around this news—news that basically means that I have to have pacemaker surgery again if I want to have an MRI—I went to my blood flow study.  I was told it was an ultrasound.  I assumed that it was something akin to the last blood flow study that I had.  When I arrived, I asked to speak to someone from the pacemaker clinic, because I was absolutely certain the news that I had received was wrong.  Long story short, it was not.

Reeling, the tech told me that I would have to be unclothed, in a gown, would involved my groin and pelvic region, and would take two hours.  I started melting down.

My choice was to leave or to stay.
Leave and not have the data my cardiologist wanted.
Stay and have my PTSD triggered.  Something fierce.

I chose to stay.
I am still triggered.

Afterwards, I thought to cheer myself by getting a Christmas tree.  Only the JERK who did the fresh cut keep cutting and cutting and cutting.  I tried to stop him, but he ignored me.  Rather rudely.  You  know, my being a female and all.  I paid for the tree and brought it home and had an asthma attack carrying it inside.  All before I realized that the bottom of the tree was now so short it would not fit in my stand or pretty much any stand without pruning off quite a bit of the tree.  And, in the process of realizing this, my not-yet-two-year-old-metal-stand broke!

I thought about just ... well ... I decided to go back to Mendard's and ask for a refund.  This was, in part, because Taco Bell put onions on my no-onion bean burrito.  That has happened so frequently I stopped ordering my beloved bean burrito, an order I've been making for three and a half decades, but I just wanted one.  Only, I forgot to open it up in the drive-thru lane to see if there were onions.

I did receive a refund and thought about leaving.  My sister was on the phone and suggested I leave, if that was what I wanted.  She suggested that I just skip Christmas, with all that has been going on with me.  I thought about that.  But I do want a tree.  Although ... I'd like to decorate it the way I wanted, not with all the decorations I've been gifted.   I voiced that thought, since I will be alone this Christmas, and my sister encouraged me to just go look at trees ... and stands.

I choose a tree that was all wrapped up, not knowing what it looked like, because I knew I could easily get it in my car and I could get it into my house by myself with the bear hug method.  It is not exactly a Christmas tree shape, kind of skinny and leaning quite a bit, but it is my tree.  When I got fetched the stand from the attic, I grabbed the box with the tree skirt and the lights.

I thought I would like to decorate the tree with just my glass ornaments and the half-dozen from my childhood, but it is awfully difficult going up and down two sets of stairs.  I think I might just leave the tree as it is.  After all, there won't be any presents underneath it.  And it will be just me looking at it.  It look okay like this, eh?

Today, aside from wrapping the lights around the tree now that the branches have dropped down from being all wrapped up, I finished the frame for the stained glass window that I bought for my haven last March.  [Firewood Man never got a chance to make the frame, so I finally got him to bring me back the window and loan me his miter saw.]  The good news is that I finished.  The bad news is that I broke the second pane of glass again.  That's $28 down the drain!  ARGH.

I decided to just leave the back side open.  What I can do is caulk the top and sides of the frame once it is hung to keep the elements away from the back side of the window.  But I am hanging it on the side of the garage with a roof overhang.  It should be fairly protected.

Overall, I would give myself a C+ on this project.  Clearly my wood skills leave much to be desired.  My only final worry is that the frame will split when it is hung, since I plan to screw it directly into the garage wall.  I have to have help with this part, so maybe the other person (I am assuming/hoping Firewood Man can help) will be so skilled with drilling and screwing that the frame will be fine.  I would like it hung as soon as possible, even knowing that I won't be able to fill the screw holes and paint them until next spring.  I just want to be able to see how my vision for my haven turns out.

I will admit that it took me well over an hour to figure out how to use the glazing points to hold in the window and the pane of glass I have in front of the window.  The way I kept trying to put them in was with the bent pieces parallel to the frame pointing down, as if they were to slip between the glass and the frame.  What you do is have those bits pointing upwards, so you can use them to tap the pointy bit in until those bent prongs rest up against the frame.  It was ever so much easier to put them in when the glazing points are in the right direction and orientation!  SIGH

With the frame completed, I tortured myself on the recumbent bike, showered, and built a fire.  I spent the entire evening clutching Amos and roasting myself before the fire.

I am still overwhelmed.
I am still triggered.
I am still weary of the wretchedness of this life of mine.