I have been lying on the floor of the basement for hours.

There is really no one to ask for help. Had I a functioning braincell in my head, I would have asked Bettina while she was here, but, really that was such a short time. I needed to do laundry, having run out of essentials. That means hauling dirty clothes down two flights of stairs and lots of bending over and lifting as I sorted the massive pile-up from being ill so long.

While I managed to work Thursday and Friday, I did so only because I felt keeping my job depended upon it. Sometimes, it seems as if I have a death grip on keeping the pieces of myself together...both physically and emotionally. Lately, it has been both. Never, that I can remember, was I as tired and ill from that virus. Then, just as I was thinking I had turned a corner, such a violent asthma attack knocks me to my knees, along with a frightening experience at that time.

I am still coughing from time to time. The smallest act can set it off. Last night, I was vehemently protesting something to someone and raised my voice in the process. Big mistake. I had to nebulize three times, bringing my heart rate back to terror-pounding-level. I did not fall asleep until around 10:00 Saturday morning, sleeping for just a few hours before trying to engage in my lessoning.

My ears are still hurting and I am still tired and, having just checked, I still still have a low-grade fever. So, trying to do laundry meant taking a rather nasty spill down the second set of stairs.

I was unconscious for longer than I can ever remember being. Kashi was curled by my side and both birds were hopping up and down my side. I cannot believe he did not chow down on them.

When I tried to get up, the room spun and I threw up. So, I lay on the floor for hours thinking about the fact that I really do not have anyone to ask for help. I mean, I did have some folks from church who were willing to take me to the doctor, but after many appointments, that sort of dried up. And despite knowing what happened the night of the concert, no help or concern was forthcoming. Despite knowing how ill I've been, no help or concern was forthcoming. It hurts to ask and get declined. So, I didn't try asking even when just getting downstairs with Kashi this afternoon when I finally awoke was difficult.

As soon as Pastor hung up from Skype, I slept on the couch for many hours. Then, after answering a few emails and thinking perhaps I could make it, I trudged upstairs and piled the laundry in my basket and tried to make it to the basement.

Lying on the floor, I tried very hard to remember that even then it was a time of grace. I admit that I had difficulty doing so. I also tried to review the answers Pastor gave me today, but could not really do so save for his comment on my observation that I believe there is a difference between how Lutherans and Protestants view the bible and what that meant. While he did not disagree that there was a difference, I did not understand that it was more than just valuing the Word.

If I am retelling this correctly, the main difference is that Protestants focus on a bible written for then, for the people then. So, we would need to interpret it according to their experience and then re-interpret it for our times. Lutherans believe that the bible is written for all men, for all times. There is nothing to re-interpret. It is the grand for me.

This fits in with, therefore, the teaching that the Holy Spirit comes through means, the Word and Sacraments. Zwingli used to taunt that the Holy Spirit knew now bounds. Luther and fellow reformers agreed with the truth of that statement, yet they understood that He bound himself to visible means not because He needed to but because we needed Him to do so.

This is also tied to why it is that Baptists do not believe in Sacraments. Sacraments are what God does for us; Baptists do not see God doing anything for us in baptism or in the Lord's Supper. Ordinances can be viewed as what man does for God. Thus, they believe baptism and the Lord's Supper are what man can do for God, is doing for God, must do for God.

I did nothing in my baptism, barely stood in fact. I did nothing, yet received everything. I do nothing in the Lord's Supper. I do nothing, yet receive everything. Pastor places the bread in my mouth, the cup upon my lips even.  I receive and God works within.

I know I have stumbled my way through that, but it seems intertwined in my mind....

Of course, Pastor's main caution was in understanding that I am generalizing Protestants, when many of them would not quite fit into my mold. I agree with him. But I do know that in five states and four denominations all I found was works.

I crave the proper distinction between Law and Gospel, even after spending hours lying on the floor confronted with the fact that I am truly alone.  I crave original sin, justification, and objective grace.  I crave the promises of God being hurled at me, poured out over me, wrapped around me.  I crave being fed and nurtured in the gifts of Sacrament.  I crave forgiveness that is at once perfect and present tense.


Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief!