This day was marked by great numerical stress and deep contemplation.

We had this outcomes report that unexpectedly required much data that we did not have readily at hand.  Six days of crunching number and a few frantic calls for Excel help, I finally finished the report.  Hitting the SEND button was very difficult for me.  I had no one to read through the 15 page report to see if a) I filled in all the blanks and b) if I transferred the numbers correctly.

Lately, several people have criticized me for talking to myself as I work.  They do not understand that this is one of my coping mechanisms for dealing with the ever-increasing cognitive dysfunction.  Have I mentioned that I can no longer dial a phone without much trial and error? 

Holding the number in my mind from the time I look at it on a piece of paper to the time my eyes travel to the phone is frankly near impossible.  Then, I struggle with actually hitting the numbers correctly the first or second or third time I attempt to do so.  Often, I start to cry when I try to call someone...unless...I am using my cell phone.  Then, all I have to do is type two letters, scroll, and hit one button.  Normally, I can make it through that process.  It is very, very difficult for me to dial a phone cold turkey and I grow very, very defeated in the process. Oh, how I wish I could be more sanguine about the matter.

So, when I am working, I talk to myself, telling me what to do, chanting what I am doing, trying to keep myself focused in the moment.

One problem I have already found with lessoning on Skype is that Pastor is not aware when I am taking notes.  When we are in person, he stops talking so that I might write.  I do not know if he does so for everyone, but he does for me, which is an immense help.  Without notes, I cannot remember most of our lessoning.  Without silence, I cannot remember the few words he just spoke that I am trying to record.  So, I missed quite a bit from our Skype lessoning because he kept on talking when I was trying to save what he was teaching me.  SIGH.

Do you not think that talking to myself is a great way of trying to cope?

Apparently, it is a great bother to some people at work, even if I am standing at the copy machine or in the supply closet.  I do not believe they care if it takes six or eight trips to the supply closet for me to remember what I need if only I do not speak beneath my breath.  Given that I am not a loud, raucous person at these times, wanting merely to remember not to have my failing noticed, I truly do not understand why it is that my talking to myself is so disruptive.

Needless to say, 15 pages of transferring numerical data from one document to the next was extraordinary stressful, almost more so than entering all that data and crunching the numbers in the first place!

And then there was the second trip to a grocery store with my boss.  She was still not well and wanting more food for the weekend.  So, after work, I drove to her house, ferried her to a less-than-economical grocery store, returned her to her home, and then drove back to my house.  I did not step foot in the door until 9:00. 

I am quite fatigued.

What is mercy?

• A dear friend calling Thursday morning because she finally understands how difficult a battle it has been to face the night of the concert alone
• A woman who finds spontaneous prayer quite foreign and rather awkward offering to pray with me
• A waiter who hands me a Rumikub tile I had left in the restaurant earlier in the week
• Two cherub nephews taking turns reading to me on Skype, filling my ears with much Frog and Toad
• A pastor who continues to send me hymn audio clips despite my weaknesses and failings
• Listening to 91 hymns back to back to back
• The Living Word...this evening...the book of Ephesians

Lord, I believe.  Help my unbelief!