Today was a bad pain day.  I fell in the shower last night and wrenched a muscle in my lower back.  Sitting is agony.  There is much sitting in church.

I honestly was not sure that I would be able to endure being in the pew.  The new church is most decidedly not one in which I could lie down in the pew.  Because the pews are most uncomfortable, for months I have been trying to figure out how I could bring something to make sitting in them for an hour and a half more bearable.  I mean, I really do not want to walk in there with a two pillows, one for the seat and one for the back.  I don't have any flat cushions.  I think a blanket might work, but I can also picture myself slipping off the pew and landing on the floor because the blanket shifted.  Having found no solution yet, I could not imagine going since I barely got myself dressed this morning.

But I miss the Lord's Supper.  Not taking it in last Sunday made two weeks for me, at least 7 days too long.

I went, shifted about the whole time, laying down half-way by leaning on my elbow more often than remaining upright.  Of course, holding myself up most of the time made my arms tremble.  Afterward, I accidentally dropped my keys on the ground in front of my car and spent 10 minutes trying to pick them up without toppling over.

I came home, took extra pain mediation, and napped.  But I am in too much pain to sleep.

Needing a distraction from how I feel, I turned myself to Pastor F's bulletins.  I completed drafts of all the ones for May, the devotional for the last week in May, and then the parishioner booklet, leader's guide, and bulletin insert for the third part of a discipleship study he will be doing the first four weeks of May.  Not bad for a day's work, eh?

The best part was reading through the lectionary readings for every Sunday so I could get the title for the bulletins.  Or, actually, the bestest part was that two Sundays the choir is not singing so I have the freedom to fill in the back panel that usually has the words to their song.  I will give you three guesses what is my choice of filler.

Oh, how brilliant you are!  Yes, I drop in words from Luther!  I probably spent at least two hours longer than I needed to in order to choose my filler.  One week, I actually put a portion of a sermon he preached on the Gospel reading for that week.  Won't Pastor F be surprised!  For the other Sunday, I put in his comment on why "grace and peace to you" is such a good greeting, from his commentary on Galatians, because Pastor F is the kind of pastor who likes to teach things, drop in nuggets of the whys and wherefores and histories of things, as if he were a professor addressing a classroom.  Frankly, I enjoy that.  Pastor used to do so when he was lessoning me.  Pastor E does sometimes in his sermons.  And Pastor W gave a running commentary on the Psalms he was chanting when we read Compline together on the phone last week—something that cracked me up even as I regretted not being able to take notes on what he was saying. Psalm chanting with Myrtle commentary, mostly focused on what was NOT Law since he knew I was surely reading it as such.  Oh, how merciful is God to me!

Galatians 1:3 Grace be to you, and peace, from God the Father, and from our Lord Jesus Christ.

The greeting of the Apostle is refreshing. Grace remits sin, and peace quiets the conscience. Sin and conscience torment us, but Christ has overcome these fiends now and forever. Only Christians possess this victorious knowledge given from above. These two terms, grace and peace, constitute Christianity. Grace involves the remission of sins, peace, and a happy conscience. Sin is not canceled by lawful living, for no person is able to live up to the Law. The Law reveals guilt, fills the conscience with terror, and drives men to despair. Much less is sin taken away by man-invented endeavors. The fact is, the more a person seeks credit for himself by his own efforts, the deeper he goes into debt. Nothing can take away sin except the grace of God. In actual living, however, it is not so easy to persuade oneself that by grace alone, in opposition to every other means, we obtain the forgiveness of our sins and peace with God. 


Some times I am awed by how much God gives such a wretched sinner in the gift of His Living Word. It is a Word that I believe, even when I dare not believe.  It is a Word that I believe, even when I do not understand.  It is a Word that I cling to. even when I despair of being able to grasp a hold of the Truth.  It is a Word I crave, with longing too deep for words.


I have been told I should be more patient, that I cannot unlearn what I long to unlearn in just a short while when that learning was 26 years in the making.  I know I am impatient.  Anyone who objects to such an admission would be lying to me.  I know that I feel a pressure to study, to learn, while I can, while I can before the MS cheese holes become too many in my brain and learning becomes another "loss" I must endure.  But what I hunger for is not merely the learning, not merely the doctrine.  I hunger for the Gospel, for hearing the heart of that as many times as it takes to break apart the lies I know I carry around in my head...and in my heart.

I want the Gospel poured over me  I want it sung, whispered, shouted, crooned, spoken, and chanted.  I have been too long with the Law.  But, as I wrote before, I want the Gospel poured over me in such a way that I can also learn to love the goodness of the Law.  For the proper distinction of Law and Gospel does not mean to cast the Law away from me forever.  I am chastened to see that this is the very thing I have been doing. 

Ah, I believe it is time for me to read more Walther!


Lord, I believe.  Help my unbelief!