Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Like dirt again...

I have been strongly encouraged to volunteer, but I have not wanted to take the risk.  Most volunteering I know of these days involves background checks, applications, and interviews.  I simply cannot handle talking about myself, where I am from, why I moved here, what I do for a living.  All of those questions that are so unsettled in my life and bring to surface thoughts and emotions hard to bear.

So, someone set up a volunteering opportunity at a library, cataloging books.  Seems safe, eh?  He even sent a gently worded email saying that I just wanted to be told what to do and get to it and could not handle personal talk.

I arrived with my cane.  I did not know of a place nearby to park and did not know how far I would have to walk.  Sure enough, I was not close and I ended up being escorted to another building two flights of stairs and across the street and over a ways from the library.  I was tired by the time I got to where I was going.

After the short orientation, the woman overseeing my time asked if I would prefer working there when I came back or at the library.  I told her that I have Multiple Sclerosis and that the walk was a bit far for me, so I would prefer to work at the library.

I came home, discouraged, because I am so tired, after getting dressed, driving over there, walking about, sitting in front of a computer for two hours, walking back to the car, and driving home.  But when I got home I was dismayed to learn the woman has a concern about my being there.

She's pregnant and wanted to know what autoimmune I had to see if it would affect her baby.  I walk with a cane and I am a risk to her pregnancy?  I told her I have MS, a neurological disease, and she thinks I could be a danger to her baby? 

Her baby.

Silly Myrtle has been sitting here for a long while now, sobs wracking her whole body...so very bloody hurt that she's viewed as a danger.  So hurt and ashamed that the woman called the pastor who arranged my volunteering to express her concern.  So bloody hurt and tired and wanting to scream:  THIS IS WHY I DON'T WANT TO TRY TO BE AROUND ANYONE.

Something is always going to be wrong with me. Something's always going to be objectionable about me. Something is always going to be unwelcome with regard to me. 

Pessimistic, I know.
Speaking in absolutes, I know.
But I feel like dirt right now.  Again. 

Dirt and rather stupid for even trying to volunteer in the first place.

1 comment: