In the darkness...

As much as I have mentioned the nightmares and night terrors, I do not believe that I have even begun to explain what it is like for me.  And, now, it is as if there are two Myrtle's:  The Myrtle who wakes up screaming, vomiting, or is huddled in the corner of the closet and the Myrtle who has become resigned ... numb even ... to the darkness in my dreams, in my heart.

The world of Christian Contemporary Music is long, long behind me.  But there are some artists whom I still admire and some songs that I savor ... for one reason or another.  I've posted before about Fernando Ortega.  His Jesus King of Angels is a great comfort to me.  A song that tells me I am known.

Jesus, King of angels, heaven's light,
Shine Your face upon this house tonight.
Let no evil come into my dreams;
Light of heaven, keep me in Your peace.

Remind me how You made dark spirits flee, 

And spoke Your power to the raging sea.
And spoke Your mercy to a sinful man;
Remind me, Jesus, this is what I am.

The universe is vast beyond the stars,
But You are mindful when the sparrow falls, 

And mindful of the anxious thoughts 

That find me, surround me, and bind me.

With all my heart I love You, Sovereign Lord.
Tomorrow, let me love You even more.
And rise to speak the goodness of Your name 

Until I close my eyes and sleep again.

The universe is vast beyond the stars,
But You are mindful when the sparrow falls, 

And mindful of the anxious thoughts 

That find me, surround me, and bind me.

Jesus, King of angels, heaven's light,
Hold my hand and keep me through this night.

Yes, the "loving God" verse is troublesome, but the rest the plea to be safe in the night, to be reminded of His works, the admission of how anxiety finds, surrounds, and binds ... the rest is just so very me.  

[I really do think Fernando is a Lutheran at heart.  Man, he confesses that he's a sinner!  Plus, he has all these songs he's crafted from the Psalter.]

Amazon Prime added this music streaming service.  I am ever so technologically challenged these days that I did not even bother checking it out.  But the other day I was thinking about music and its balm for me and I wondered if Chris Rice had any other quirky or bald songs.  I found one, Spare an Angel, and somehow managed to stream it.

Found her starin' at the rain
And askin' "Why it has to hurt so bad?"
Where's the limit to the pain her heart can take
Before it breaks in half

I wanted to be strong enough to hold her
And show her the way
But she's so far out of reach
And now all I can do is pray

Can you spare an Angel tonight send a little help from your side?
'Cause somebody's lost down here, 

let him wing his way through the dark
Carry some of your love into her heart
Can you spare an Angel, spare an Angel, spare an Angel?

She wonders further in the dark feels the cold and hears the thunder cry
While the rain keeps pouring down her only answer from the lonely sky
She has no idea how much you love her
Or how much you care,

"So would you choose one of your best
To be the answer to my prayer?"

Can you spare an Angel tonight send a little help from your side?
'Cause somebody's lost down here, 

let him wing his way through the dark
Carry some of your love into her heart
Can you spare an Angel, spare an Angel, spare an Angel?

Oh, I don't know
What else to pray this time
Maybe an Angel
Can lead her lonesome heart away to Jesus side

Can you spare an Angel tonight send a little help from your side?
'Cause somebody's lost down here 

let him wing his way through the dark
Carry some of your love into her heart
Can you spare an Angel, spare an Angel, spare an Angel?

I like the song.  I do.  But it occurred to me that I know nothing about the doctrine of angels.  I mean, I know that some angels in the Bible are messengers.  I am muddy on the whole Angel of the Lord thing, because I think I was taught that sometimes that means God come to earth.  Only how is that possible?  Or maybe that's not quite the right question.

As I noted before, what I know of angels is from Frank Peretti's books This Present Darkness and Piercing the Darkness.  I know those cannot possibly be the way angels work.  Really, I have no Biblical arguments against the plots.  But having angels' power, strength, and efficacy be dependent on the faithfulness of believers, works for God, just seems incompatible with the pure doctrine of Christ crucified for man.

How strange it is to be in church for some 31 years and realize that you do not know who or what angels are and what they really do.

I like the song. I like the ... raw way it is sung.  I like the idea of an angel coming to help with the darkness.  But that line:  "carry some of your love into her heart"... Is that not the work of the Holy Spirit via the means of grace (Word and Sacrament)?

The Holy Spirit is not an angel.

He is God.

So what are angels???

I like Jesus King of Angels.  I like its simplicity, its reminiscence of a lullaby.  I like its focus on Jesus.  I like its confession of fear and weakness.  But that line: "Hold my hand and keep me through this night" ... How do you hold Christ's hand???

Fernando Ortega has two songs based on Psalm 139.  If I Flee on Morning's Wings is my favorite.  Incredible orchestral music.  Simple.  Short.  Full.

If to Heaven's heights I fly
You are still beside me,
Or in death's dark shadows lie,
You will stay close by me.
If I flee on morning wings
Far across the gray sea,
Even there your hand will lead,
Your right hand will guide me.

Bonhoeffer wrote about Jesus praying the Psalter for us.

Does He pray this for me?