Weary...

All I wanted to do today was sleep.  Actually, all I have wanted to do since mid November is sleep.  But frantically getting ready for the visit pre-surgery and cooking post surgery and now getting the house back in order post visit and making the visitor returns, I have not rested much.  I am so very exhausted that I have not been able to read in bed for weeks.  I just fall asleep within seconds of lying down..

I love reading in bed.

I had planned on sleeping all through this day and the next and the next ... before I remembered that I had to go get blood work drawn today.  SIGH.  My appointment was at 10:00, fasting, so I was up at 8:30 to get ready and to spend a few minutes with Amos, who also very much wants me to be home resting.

There was a new tech at the lab where I go, so I had to do the whole: I-need-blood-drawn-from-my-hand-and-know-it-can-hurt-more-and-it-will-fill-the-tubes-more-slowly song and dance.  My hand is a one-stick location.  My arms are multi-stick locations. I very much prefer one-stick draws when I am doing blood work.

Today's donation was 12 vials, repeating all the blood work from this summer save for the genetic testing.  I will be interested to see if the supplements the integrated medicine specialist has me taking are helping.  I am most interested in knowing if the excessively high cortisol and inverted cortisol curve problems are any better.  My appointment is in a couple of weeks, in between more cardiology appointments and my first appointment with the new GP.

I have not wept as much as I did yesterday and my eyes are still swollen and sore.  It was difficult sleeping and, of course, getting up.  When I came home, I sat with Amos for a while, ate a cranberry bagel, built a fire, and slept for three more hours in front of it.

Then, I started thinking again, so I busied myself by watering the Wandering Jew baskets and all the plants in the solarium, went ahead and put away the few Christmas decorations that I had set out, save for the wreaths and the lights on the Christmas tree.  Yes, I had my first Christmas tree as an adult ... 30 years after I became one.

This was the surprise for my mother.  She loves live trees and has not had one in several years.  Firewood Man helped me set it up and my friend Celia bought me the tree skirt as a Christmas gift.  I bought the tree, the lights, and the stand ... the tree being a bargain-basement-price of $12.98.  I thought I was buying it for my mother, but I think that I really bought it for me.

I have had the glass ornaments (spun ornaments and a set of icicles) for years and thought they were lovely on the tree.  Simple.  The way I prefer things.  The star I've also had for years, but I am not sure why.  Today, I stripped the tree of skirt, ornaments, and star, but I left the lights.  I want to leave it up through the end of Christmas ... and maybe beyond.  However, despite keeping it watered, it appears to be getting rather dry.

I am not sure why I wanted the decorations put away, but I did.  More visual rest, maybe.

I have tried to work on grounding, since my counselor said that is the first step toward learning to change my thoughts and handle the emotions that are flooding me.  And the memories.  I find grounding difficult ... focusing on where I am now instead of then.  

I am also struggling to hold the thought in my mind that I am only just over a month out from surgery and will need several more to heal.  I am weary of pain.

I am weary in body.
I am weary in heart.
I am weary in soul.