Borrowing...

Someone gifted me, I think, a subscription to Fine Cooking magazine.  I just received the second copy, only I never received a notice of who gave me the subscription.  I find it interesting and have enjoyed reading through it.  I would certainly send a thank you note if I knew where it was to go!

Saying "thank you" is not another one of my strong suits, I think.  For example, my friend Mary said the nicest of things to me on the phone a while ago.  She said that if I would ever like to write about something we were discussing, she would have me as guest author on her blog. I was floored.  Humbled.  And overwhelmed.  It wasn't until later that I was even able to mumble thanks (via email) because even the thought of the gift was still overwhelming.

Another example is when the counselor I was seeing gave me this small silver turtle, with a GREEN back, and the word "believe" on it.  I think I mumbled thanks, but I could not really express how I felt.  I mean, I had long admired a similar turtle on her bookshelf, a purple one with different words on its back, and so I was tickled to have my own turtle.  More so was I overwhelmed at the choice of the color GREEN and the word.

For me, "believe" is such a tricky word these days.  I struggle with what that means spiritually.  What does He mean when Jesus tells us to believe?  The other day, I saw someone quoting a passage about how unless we are this or that we will never enter the Kingdom of God.  The person quoting it was doing so as the reason for why we must do those things, when I know that Jesus was saying that if we chose to live by the law, we must be perfect to that law to enter the Kingdom of God, which we cannot be.  Maybe a better way to say it is that the only way to enter the Kingdom of God is through perfect obedience to the Law and there is only one way for humans to be credited that ... through the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

I believe those things.  Only when it comes to me, I think ... how could I be saved?  I have such deep, deep shame and such guilt and such doubts.  SIGH.  What does it mean for me, personally, to believe?

But also the word "believe" is important to me because even if I do not believe certain things about myself, I want folk around me to do so for me, until I can do so.  I have borrowed such belief from Becky and from Mary at times.  Maybe that is not such a thing a person should do, but I find comfort in their confidence and their hope.

Selah.

I have been rocking the miserly utility use as a way to save significant money.  Two months in a row now I have had substantial savings.  Though not quite as good at last month, this month I am $84.97 under budget on natural gas and electricity.  The water bill came today and I was spot on, but had no savings.  So, last night, I treated myself to great warmth when a dysautonomia chill started.  I think Amos was freaked out by the fact that the temperature in the house rose 22 degrees, but he has been my content-in-all-temperatures puppy dog.

Sometimes I wish I could borrow his contentedness.
At least I get to borrow his comfort!