Please don't remind me...

Tuesday, the counselor I have been seeing if I had any more security issues.  I had no clue what she talking about.  She rephrased the question a few times before I finally understood she was referring to March 17th, when I discovered whilst setting the alarm that the basement door was open.

I was rather afraid.  Instantly.  And I was worried someone was lying in wait for me to go to bed, perhaps having slipped in whilst I was showering or outside with Amos.  The police came to check for monsters in my closet and I spent the night sitting up in bed holding my gun.  Yes, I was rather afraid that night and the next couple of days.

But that was a lifetime ago.
How am I supposed to remember something two weeks before??

I do not do well with vague questions.  I need direct talk:  "Myrtle, are you still battling fear from finding your basement door open?"  That I would understand.  "Security issues" makes no sense to me.

But, I think, I am not really interested in having anyone bring up something distressing when I have forgotten it as if it had not happened.  For me, it really is as if it never happened.

Yes, I still would like to know how the door came to be open.  By that I mean how it came to be unlocked.  Surely one of the ferocious wind storms that we have here in Indiana blew the door open.  But when I went to investigate the basement living space (armed with my pepper spray gun that shoots up to 25 feet) I found the dead bolt undone and the key still in the lock. Why?

I know.  I KNOW that I did not leave the key in the lock.  I would never do that there.   I do leave the key in the back door, but whenever I have opened the basement door, I hang the emergency key for quick exit during a fire around my neck.  I always put it back in place when I am done.  Was it the maids?  If them, why?  Was it my brother when he was here?  If so, how did I miss that when checking the room after he left?  Was it the electricians who worked in there at the end of January?  If so, why would they have needed to open the door?

Understanding is really helpful to me.  The book on shame research and the one on healing from sexual abuse are so important to me because they explain me, my thoughts and responses.  They teach me.  Knowing why the door was unlocked and the emergency key hanging in the door would have gone a long way to assuaging my fear that night.

But now?  Well, it didn't happen ... to me ... until I was reminded.
Please don't remind me of such things.
A broken rememberer has got to have its benefits.

Still, the good side is that I am no longer inside that moment of fear.  I can think about that night and know that it was okay for me to be scared and okay for me to call the police and okay for me to still worry after they left.  It was okay because I didn't become stuck in that fear.  I checked closets and the attic for a few days and then I focused on the fact that I have an alarm system now to help keep me safe.  And, that night, it did by telling me the basement door was open.  Without the new system, I would not have known ... maybe for months.

Because I faced my fear and worked through it, I forgot about it.  And I am just fine with that.