Thursday, August 03, 2017

Working out some upsettedness...

I did a bit of organizing on my computer tonight, having finally become embarrassed by just how messy my downloads folder was.  Of course, you know by now that organizing is my way of working out some upsettedness.

One of the things that I did was to rename all the graphics I downloaded about chronic illness and such.  I cannot see well enough to know which is which in looking through a folder that has many files all with a long letter/number string as a file name.  Now, I can go back and find what I need.

I thought I would post a few here.

This, to me, is such a WOW moment.  It shows you just how much your autonomic nervous systems affect your body.  So, when they go all wonky on you, ever so much can be affected and affected in opposites.  It is truly overwhelming.

I do not remember if I have posted this before, but it is something that I mentioned to the therapist last week.  There is so much in my life that I do because it is what is easiest for me or what I need to do to manage a symptom.  All of it makes sense to me and if you insist on your way of helping instead of doing how I do things, then you are really hurting me, making my life more difficult.

Then there are the ones that just make you smile!  I totally get this!!

I went from therapy over to the Walmart Vision Center to bewail my plight about the glasses again.  I would have to pay for the entire visit again if I go back to the specialist to have my glasses adjusted, but I do not like what she did at all.  My eyes were supposed to adjust to how she made my glasses after a couple of weeks, but they never did.  It was just awful.

I had learned that the women at Walmart had kept my old lenses, so I begged them to put them back in so I could have some relief.  That means that I no longer have the trifocals in my sunglasses, the upgrade I paid for last month, but it means that I can see ever so much better.  I just still have problems with my distance.

My pacemaker was firing over and over and over again because I was upset.  That, in a way, was making me more upset.  I was frustrated with myself for being unable to manage my own upsettedness.  I was also really worried about what will happen.  Will Walmart concert to remake my "new" lenses a 4th time?  If not, I absolutely cannot afford the $575 at the moment.  I already am trying to work out adding $287 to this year.  The $128 from the medical studies will help, but it is a long shot.  Plus, as it is, my quaking phone has to last into a 5th year.  That's just darned ancient for an iPhone.

I did squeeze in a quick call to my dear friend Mary after therapy.  I selfishly like for her to help me absorb what I've said.  Today, she gave me a right crackin' way to reframe a thought for me.  I LOVE ME some reframing and I stink at it.

I was asking Mary how I change a thought, especially one so very foundational to my being.  I told my therapist that I wanted her to tell me it wasn't my fault, but I didn't receive the words well.  I actually don't know how to receive them.  It is awkward and I feel the need to rush on to something else because I know I don't know how to receive them and, in truth, I don't know how to believe them.

I didn't say all that to my dear friend, but what did say was enough for her to have a thought.  Instead of setting out to, right now, change a thought, I could work on thinking an additional thought, sort of a rebuttal thought:  I didn't have a chance to....

I am not up for really delving into what I didn't have a chance to do, but her thought helps me acknowledge how what happened hindered me, kept me from doing and being what I longed.  In a way, it is a non-emotional way to acknowledge my sadness at the loss of who I could have been, what I could have done.

After ruminating on my therapy session and Mary's helpful chat, I joined a Facebook group for Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse. Reading through the posts, it is heartbreaking to see that I am not alone and yet also comforting. It is so very, very familiar. I will be known there.

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