I cried today...

I had a terrible migraine last Wednesday evening.  After taking my meds and finally falling asleep, I awoke with the neuropathy I think I've described:  pain radiating down the inside of my arms to my fingertips.  A pulsing, electrical pain.  A pain that over the weekend intensified into electrical shocks that make my hands jerk.

I am not able to type without lots and lots and lots of mistakes.  It is hard to use my phone because my fingers are jerking against the screen.  I keep selecting things I do not want.  I am mighty frustrated and in quite a bit of pain.  Sleeping is also rather difficult.

Tonight, I have been struggling with my breathing.  I feel short of breath even though I am not short of breath.  When I check, my oxygen sats are low.  I do not understand what's wrong, but I will be at a doctor's office tomorrow, so I can ask.

I see the cardiologist in just two days.  Even though the shortness of breath upon exertion has gotten better and my resting heart rate that had elevated 30 beats per minute is now back down, I am, as of tonight, glad only two more days remain before that appointment.  Even though I don't think I have the data for him to collect on my body anymore, I have QUESTIONS that I want to ask.  First with the exertion and second with the breathlessness.  SIGH.

I did want to share something that I read from a child sexual abuse survivor:


I cried today because even though the abuse has stopped I'm still affected
I cried today because I've been strong for far too long
I cried today because he could be out there hurting someone else and I was too ashamed to stop him
I cried today because my innocence was stolen before I was ready to give it away
I cried today because I will never know what normal is
I cried today because who I am is not who I want to be, and who I want to be is too hard for me to be
I cried today because through all the suffering I am a survivor
~anonymous

I think do not think of myself as a survivor, nor do I think of myself as having been strong.  Mostly, because I keep getting this pushback that I should be "over that" by now.  I am not.  Over it.  I do not think I will ever be, but I hope that I am better at coping.

What struck me most are two lines:

I cried today because I will never know what normal is

YES!  I want to scream and weep, though I have no more tears.  It is difficult for others to understand.  I do rage, at times, that I will never know what normal is.  It is an ache and a longing that I oft think will shatter my soul.

I cried today because who I am is not who I want to be, and who I want to be is too hard for me to be

YES!  I feel ever so much pressure to not be who I am, at least in regards to an adult survivor of child sexual abuse.  I do not much like myself for a plethora of reasons, but chief amongst them is not being the person that I know I should be.

I cried today  ... not with the tears Sjögren's stole from me, but with my whole body.