If only...

I've been too afraid to open an email from a dear friend of mine. Or rather I have been too afraid to open her attachment. If I were able to truly trust anyone with my ... being ... it would be my dear friend Mary. I know that she will be gentle and always takes such care with her words and the ideas she would like for me to consider lest they tumble me off into despair or find me spiraling back into the clutches of my past. I even really like the idea of coming up with a collection of mantras for me to cling to when my mind is troubled over specific things. Still, I am afraid to see her first draft. To see the words she might have for me.

However, I did open a bible verse that she sent to me. Being ever so sweet, Mary tried to send it in a lovely font for me. However, it is not one I own and so was opened in the harsh font of Ariel. Font aside, I just loved the verse:

“While we are still in this tent we groan, being burdened—not that we would be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life.” ~2 Corinthians 5:4

Now, here's the thing.  This is an example of something that I am no longer able to read.  It is the chief reason why I primarily only re-read now.  For I have been an avid reader since I was knee high to a grasshopper.  That I am losing my ability to comprehend what I am reading grieves my very soul.  I can hardly touch the thought.  So, I avoid it.

More and more, though, I come across things that I struggle to comprehend.  I look at this verse and read the first bit and think ... okay ... and then the next bit and think ... wait ... and then the third bit and think ... what? ... the bits are all confusing and seemingly unrelated and not a thought that can be built from beginning to end.  But I know, in my head, that they can be.  And that I used to be able to do so.  And that frustrates me, which makes the whole situation all the worse.

But I do know that this is surely a very Myrtle verse that Mary found for me.  And I am certain that there is great comfort in it for me to receive.  So, I loved it.

If only I could comprehend the words.  

SIGH.