What I missed...

I've spent the past three days (today included) torturing myself by sealing the wood panels that Firewood Man built for me out in my haven.  I grossly underestimated how long it would take for me to do this homeowner's project and how much sealer I would need.  I know raw wood soaks it up in astounding ways, but I didn't remember that.  So, I had to take time out to fetch more, which is exhausting for me.

Every single time I lay eyes upon the fencing Firewood Man created for me, I am amazing anew at what he did for me.  The cockles of my heart are warmed and my spirit refreshed.  Since I pass by them turning into the garage, I am always cheered coming home from my appointments.

But!
But, oh my!!

My father taught me to use Flood's CWF sealer.  I have always used clear, because it leaves wood a rich, wet sort of look that I have found attractive.  However, I had several folk suggest that I stain the wood a color, most specifically GREEN. I thought about that, but I am not sure I really understand true stain colors and how they work.  However, I knew that CWF comes in a color called "honey gold" and I have been thinking on using that.  Finally, at the moment of purchase, I chose it.  And, I must say, that the end result really did except my expectations.

My haven just got that much prettier!
And peaceful.
And full of solace.

I have held off really adding flowers and plants to my haven, because I haven't been sure how I wanted to do so.  I mean, I am trying to not crowd the place.  And the fountain and the tulip window and the wind chimes all add a specific element that I have enjoyed.  I mean, seriously, now that the fountain is properly gurgling, I have soaked up the magic of the creation of water nearly every second that I have been out there.  I wanted the growing things to also be as good as a fit as those three elements have been.

Whilst I was working, I hung a basket from the tree in a half dozen spots.  I liked none of them.  And the fencing is so beautiful to me, I am reluctant to put a hanger on one or more of the posts.  So, I thought more about my options.  When I was fetching annuals (and on my failed searches for thyme), I spotted some really tall ceramic planters.  I think ... think, mind you ... that I would like to put a tall ceramic planter in each of the corners.  And, wild as it seems, I might just end up putting chives in them to have both flowers and herbs!  [Someone brought me a nice patch of chives on Thursday.]

The planters would need to be a color that complements the pots of my fountain.  And, I think, maybe a squarish sort of shape, so that they don't compete with the fountain in the space.  In any case, I am not certain, but I do think that that might be the way to finish off my haven.  At least, I have been thinking that before I've gone back to look at the pots I saw to see if a second look speaks further to me.

Other than tending to my fence (in four years time someone else is going to have to do the re-sealing), I also tried a new compound butter recipe:  Roasted Garlic and Bell Pepper Balsamic Butter.  Oh my goodness!  This is just plain amazing!  Who would have thunk you could put balsamic vinegar in butter and come out with something super tasty!!  I did make a significant change to the recipe:  I swapped basil paste for the parsley.  I think that it compliments the other ingredients better, especially the roasted red pepper.

I've shared it with my realtor and some neighbors I am trying to get to know better.  Both found it it be exceedingly tasty.  I do not disagree.  In fact, on the morrow, I plan to make another batch so that I can have more for myself, for I still plan to bring the other small portions to my doctors and my therapist.  This is as much a keeper as the Orange Cranberry Butter.  Or course, the Herbed Goat Cheese Butter is pretty spectacular atop steak.  My realtor and her husband had me make them up a double batch to serve at a dinner party atop some London Broil.  She said her guests raved over it.

I am tickled that others are enjoying the butters that I am enjoying exploring.

Now that my labors are quit, I have gone back to rest (and recovery) mode.  I have been shaking for hours and hours now, and my pacemaker is still keeping my heart rate high.  So, I do not feel as if I am resting, but I am.  Well, resting and watching a bit of television.  In this case, I'm watching the Roku channel, looking at the movies that are leaving.  I first watched "The Queen," which was not what I expected and caught me off guard.  So, after that, I thought I would watch "Dirty Harry."

I know that my father introduced me to "Dirty Harry," but I do not remember watching the movies with him.  I wish that I could.  Watching made me sad, for I had a thought that overwhelmed me:

I spent so much time avoiding the conversation that I could never have with my father that I missed the conversations that I could have had.

I feel as if I have been punched in the gut, hunched over and gasping for breath.  It is hard to believe that he has been gone now for five years.  It feels as if he died just yesterday.  That is, when I dare touch that part of me ... which is very, very, very rarely.  So, the idea of what I missed with him is overwhelming.

This evening, I have been struggling with loneliness more so than usual.  [I am lonely every day now.]  I was so busy looking at the forecast to find two consecutive days in which I could seal the fencing (foolishly thinking that I might only need one), I didn't realize that I had come up against Memorial Day.

For me, I often struggle to know what day of the week it is.  I am not good with time, nor do I mark the passing of the days well.  Since I am no longer working and am so socially isolated, I simply do not track weekends or holidays the way that I used to do so.  You could say that every day is a weekend, that everyday day is a holiday ... except for the fainting and the nausea and the neuropathy and the migraines and all the other wretchedness.  But, today, with all the family stuff I started to see on social media, it hit me.  Once more, when the rest of the country is gathering with family and friends (okay ... not the whole country ... it just feels that way) I remain alone.

Alone with the thought of what I missed with my dad.

So, I am giving thanks for the color honey gold and for labor finally ending and for tasty butter and for fluffy white puppy dogs, who are getting ever so much better at comforting.