Always...

 

I cannot think of the word right now that words like "always" are.  That is an example of my brain not working that breaks my heart.  Anyway, you are not supposed to speak in those kinds of words.  Because no one is ever "always" or "never."  It is definitely not the way to fight.

But I will always be filled with shame in the very core of me.  
Age three was too young.
Nothing has changed.

The echocardiogram was a shambles yesterday.  I am still a shambles.  I am filled with shame.  Walking around reliving over and over the touch from them because I can still feel the touch from yesterday.  I have not yet found a way to break that flashback completely.  I think I have and then it comes flooding back.  My chest is that way.  There is too much there that I cannot contain.  

Not now.

Two weeks ago ... and a bit.  I was getting ready for my appointment and the call I had was not with my therapist but was with the center telling me she closed her practice. No warning. No goodbye. She promised me that she would never do this to me, that she would be with me through the whole way.  Here I am, flayed open. And I am left alone, unworthy of help once more.

You cannot trust anyone.
I will never try again.
How do I live with the truth of me unburied??? 

I babbled a mile a minute during physical therapy on my hands just now to get through it.  My therapist was surprised. Amos wasn't fooled.  He was worried and agitated and wanted to be against my chest the entire time, which isn't possible during physical therapy on my hands.  It was a mess.

I am a mess.

Hiding that is exhausting.