Four things...

 

I wrote down four things I wanted my GP ... I should start calling her my General Contractor ... to try to help me address: 

• My stomach
• The pain in my right hip?
• The pain in my muscles
• The pain in my left foot

Right now, at this very moment, I am trying very hard to not desire the amputation of my legs.  The pain in my thigh muscles is ever so difficult to endure. This is especially true because, at the moment, my hands are mostly useless for massaging the pain.  The massaging is mostly helpless, but it is something to do besides just lie there and endure the pain.

We stopped Lipitor in case it was that medication, but nothing changed.  I, personally, do not believe this is a side effect, because it comes and goes and moves from muscle group to muscle group, much like the nerve flares.  It is a muscle flare.  Not cramps.  Aches.  Deep aches.  Almost bone-breaking muscle aches.  At times, I am certain I cannot bear another moment and confess I clutch Amos ever too tightly.

And, right now, at this very moment, I am having nerve pain flares in my hands. Lightening strikes at the base of my palms, moving down the inside of my wrists. More so on my left wrist, with pain also shooting up into my ring finger.

And, right now, I have the ever present numbness and tingling in my lips.

And,
And,
And.

I was reading someone's writing that started with how good God is. Shame and failure immediately flooded me. It is not that I do not believe that God is good. It is that I am being assailed on so many fronts by my own body and in so much pain all the time on top of everything else in many different ways that I do not start with God is good. 

I start with: How do I get through this moment? Often, that is followed by spoken gratitude for the gift my Good Shepherd has given me to help me: Amos, the sight of a bird, a flower, the taste of bacon, rain watering my new trees, the opportunity to help someone, the sound of water in my fountain, the sight of a tree frog, the smell of wet mulch, etc.  So, just maybe, I end with God is good, I just use different words.

I did, goodness, more than a year ago now, I think, start saying "Thank you, Jesus" for every good thing that I receive, both tangible and intangible, everything that I experience, because James teaches that every good thing comes from God.  I wanted to hear the thank you in my own ears to teach myself to be more grateful.  To be my own example, if you will.  I believe it worked.

But, back to my original point: I bewail my misery first. [I really need to find that bit in the Large Catechism that uses that phrase.] I bewail my misery first, because even though I do strive very hard to enjoy the life I have in-between the major flares, even that existence is fraught with a body that is assailing me on all fronts. Is that the wicked way, or one of them, from Psalm 139 that God needs to root out?  I do not begin my writing in places that God is good?

SIGH