I looked through a pile of books on multiple sclerosis today and skimmed through Multiple Sclerosis:  300 Tips for Making Life Easier.  It was encouraging to see that I had already come to some of the same conclusions and had made some of the same changes.  It was also interesting to see of others that would help me know and those that might help should the morrow I fear actually arrive.

The one that truly caught my eye most, though, was Mental Sharpening Stones:  Manage the Cognitive Challenges of Multiple Sclerosis, but just the thought of doing so frightens me.  As documented here a few times, I am terrified of all that I have lost cognitively.  If another person tells me, "Oh, but you're so smart!" I might just shoot him or her and repent later.  While I truly believe my remaining intelligence is suspect, I KNOW what I have lost and that loss is great on any scale.  I also know how much I mask my confusion, too, how much I hide how often I cannot form letters or spell words or remember my name, age, address, etc.  I long to open that book in the fervent hope that there could be help for me there, but I fear the words will be more of a chronicling of the deepening loss that is impending, looming large before me.  I could not handle reading that...at least not alone. 

For now, I almost think I should tackle Multiple Sclerosis for Dummies.  I am certain the things I do not know about my disease far, far outweigh that which I do.  I am sure, however, Pastor F, were he here, INSIST I carefully study MS and Your Feelings:  Handling the Ups and Downs of Multiple Sclerosis.  Yet I wonder if Multiple Sclerosis:  Your Legal Rights is one that I should open first given the cliff jumping I am considering just now.

SIGH.


I am Yours.  Save me!