Today is my baptismal birthday.  Today is a day I wanted to be a new beginning.  But I received an email that is so confusing and paints such an ugly picture that I truly do not know what to do.

I have spent much of the day in a fog, using my lunch time to practice my Greek (Is it possible to get worse with more practice?) because I cannot see past the words I read.

Last night, I left the car unlocked, and someone took the very few things I had in the rental.  I guess I should be grateful whoever it was left the car behind.  But it greatly concerns me that such an automatic response is no longer under my control.  I also left the lights on this morning, so I had to have the rental jump-started.  This I blame not on my cheese-hole brain because my car has this auto-off feature.  But perhaps I should still have remembered to turn them off when I pulled into the parking lot.

But even as I waited for a car rescue, I could not muster up one iota of self-recrimination over my headlight stupidity.  I just counted the water spots on the window while I waited.  197.  I counted and tried to forget what I read this morning.

As I have written, I was counseled that satan cannot rob us of joy, cannot steal joy from us.  That if we have moments of joy, then they still existed; we still had them.  I went from a glorious baptismal gift of Gospel, riding along on its sweetness until I read those words.  After I got myself cleaned up (and my office trash can), all I could think was why.

That is not a question I have asked much...about anything.  Why is because God wills it.  Why is because these were the days ordained for me.  Why is because my life is His.  That's my Protestant teaching coming to the fore.  Maybe it is wrong.   Not that God is sovereign, for He most certainly is, but maybe if I had asked why more, I might not be were I am today.

Only I do not know where it is that I am.  Or even who I am.


I am Yours.  Save me!