Lord, have mercy...

I fainted 4 times today. 

I am tired and frustrated beyond belief.  Sitting up long enough to do this is probably more than I should, but I wanted to capture this day here, for later.

Lord, have mercy.

I have been ill for over a week, nausea filling my every waking moment.  Exactly one week ago, it became overwhelming in the evening. 

Sunday, I left church by ambulance.  I did not want to go.  An entire month's living expenses were on that little trip.  I didn't even get an IV, though the solumedrol push did help stifle the lingering cough.  I had only two secondary attacks, the first harsh, the second a mere annoyance.  I only went because those at the church I am attending wanted me to go, most likely because they have never seen the violent reaction I have to the drugs and do not understand that it will pass.  I went because I thought I would not be welcome if I refused.  Sometimes I wish that just once...just once...I was able to choose something for myself and not be afraid. 

I was released unable to stand or walk on my own, which I found curious, but a relief.  Only I became trapped on the couch.  I haven't had a chance to get a larger, more comfortable one.  I managed to get to the bathroom and am thankful for one on the main floor.  However, I could not eat, could not fetch anything to drink or eat. 

My realtor came by once to make eggs and twice to bring me a drink. I couldn't manage to ask her to cook for me again.  The fever that set in and the continued nausea would have made eating a battle, but it was hard being trapped on the couch...and alone.

Christ, have mercy.

My arthritis has taken exception to all this lying about and last night I had that terrible wrenching in my back, the searing agony that drives all else from my mind.  I have but a few pain pills left and I took one.  I have been icing the muscle off and on round the clock and got the spasm stopped finally.  In a few days, it will be better.  I can endure the pain better now knowing it will end.

I couldn't stand myself, though, and took a shower tonight.  I cannot stand, though.  Not for long.  Getting to the bathroom is easier, so I think I am better, until I try and sit or stand for any length of time.  Even holding the iPod is exhausting, so I have done little else but remain on the couch. 

I tried to help Bettina cope with snow days in the cabin, but only managed to Skype once for hardly any time at all.  Afterward, I felt like a horrible friend for not helping more, even though I was trembling being plumb exhausted.

Manna called and talked with me today.  Thankful for both my headset and her cheery wonderful self, I had a bit of a respite.  I am sure, though, that I rambled far more than usual.

I fainted 4 times today. I am exhausted.  I am hungry.  I am weak. I am weary.  And my heart hurts for I think this week has also shown me exactly where I stand in this world.

Lord, have mercy.

I have not Facebooked or written the Snippets or done anything but long for the time to pass.  I have spent more time asleep than awake.  And, shocking even to me, I have barely watched any television.  I cannot read. I cannot concentrate.  I can only wait.

I fainted 4 times today.  Three times trying to take the shower.  My fever is somewhat better.  My nausea is somewhat better.  This, too, will pass.  Eventually.

I wanted to record this day, when there have been far too many days amongst the past few months lost already.  I wanted to record this day, because this day, as I have never before done, I have cried out for mercy...with my whole being...unreserved...knowing...that while I may very well be a sheep of a Good Shepherd who loves me I mostly likely will remain alone in this new place in need of help, still hoping for mercy in the now rather than the life that is to come.

It is good to know where I stand, though probably, unarguably in my view, the most painful moment in a year of extraordinarily painful moments.  It is good to know this.

Someone said recently that God will always keep me safe even if it is not the manner in which I would term "safe."  Does that mean I should be rejoicing that He kept me safe as I fainted, that I did not hurt myself further?  For I would rather that I not faint.  I would rather that I not be so weak and ill.  I would rather that I not be alone. 

Oh, how I want to see this week as such.  As filled with His mercy.  I do not.  And so I cry out for mercy.  More so, I cry out for help in understanding and embracing the glory of the cross.

I am Yours, Lord.  Save me. 
I believe.  Help my unbelief!
Lord, have mercy.  Christ, have mercy.  Lord, have mercy.