The things we leave behind...

I am not good a leaving things behind.  The things I should leave behind, I keep.  The things I should not leave behind, I let go.  Tangible things.  The intangible.  It doesn't matter which.

I am a tad bit stronger for eating, but nothing else has really changed.  I spent some time in the basement going through papers and stuff.  I napped on the floor down there.  I read.  I cried.  I thought very, very deep thoughts.  Mostly...though...those thoughts were just confused ones.

Last summer, I wrote about getting rid of my journals.  Tossing those things in the recycling dumpster was unexpectedly freeing in many respects.  It was a strange day, one that I have tucked away in my mind and, from time to time, take out and ponder.

As I read and sorted, I found things that made me feel like my journals did.  They were only reminders of painful, harmful times...a few reminders of failures that the very memory of threatens to overset me.  So, I threw them away.  Everything but one letter.  The letter probably should have been first in the pile, but I would like for someone to read it and talk with me about it.  It is a letter of love and all sorts of things I long to hear...but it is from someone who has harmed me greatly.  I think it is a good example of some of what confuses me that someone could use to teach me what I am missing, what I cannot seem to grasp.

In any case, it was exhausting, even with napping, plowing through those things.  Much of the time, I was lying on the floor reading, because sitting up for long periods is still tiring.  I did not get through as much as there is waiting for me.  I moved papers and records and such that I did not have time to review, knowing that it would mean paying to move things that would ultimately wind up in the trash.

Since this summer, I have working at stripping away things that are not true, that are harmful, that I should have left behind.  Mostly, I have done this unaided and I think, perhaps, I should not be alone in this.  Mostly, it has been helpful.  Sometimes, though, looking at these bits and pieces of my life crushes me and I lose sight of what I gained in my baptism.

Even though I am still fairly ill, I managed to lug the two garbage bags I filled out to the trash.  It took over an hour to get that accomplished.  But in a few hours more...at least by the time I awake...they will be gone.

I think that is a good thing.


Lord, I believe.  Help my unbelief!