Still buried in there somewhere...

Today was a strange day, topped off with a psalm for me.

I was pleased to have several of the Craig's List items sell, but having folk come by ... strangers ... is hard for me.  The shop vac found a new home.  Yes, I was a bit verklumpt to see it walk out the door. That thing sopped up all the basement floods in Alexandria and got me through two basement renovations.  We were best buddies.  However, I now have significantly more space in my basement utility closet!

I was quite nervous about the way the man texted me, so I called Sandra to hang out on the phone with me while he came.   I have done that in the past with people, thinking they could call 911 for me if needed. But then he pulled up with his wife in the car and got out, and I realized his crude texting was a language barrier issue.

The lights and cords and Christmas tree are also all gone.  Someone wants the pet bed, and another is picking up the drop cloth tomorrow.  I thought the computer monitor would have gone really quickly, but I am okay with donating it along with what is left. I've sold more than half the items in just a day.

While I was awaiting different folk to come fetch items, I decided to tackle the filing cabinets for the third time.

How?  How in the world did I still have all this paper work that was not needful for me to keep?  I watched another movie whilst I will worked.  Amos curled up next to me to keep me company.

While I still need to go through my literacy files (which are in a single drawer), for the most part my personal, medical, and financial files are lean and mean now.  I will admit that I kept every single letter of commendation I had ... even the ones from my very first job that are three decades old.  I found some thank you notes from my very first students.  Those stayed, too.  The files I wavered on—and might could still go—were the contracts from all of my jobs and all of the writing that I had published.   I also kept the collateral from all of my presentations/speaking engagements during the time that I was a professor.  It is okay to have a few non-essential papers, right?

I have been thinking that something I could reduce would be the work and writing samples binders that take up half a shelf over by the GREEN table in the basement. After all, I will never work again and it is not like my visitors are hankering to see samples of the collateral I designed (NOT being a designer) or the marketing writing that I did.  I suppose I have them all—and all organized—because they represent the value I thought my life had.  And I really, really struggle with just being a person who mostly rests, sleeps, moans, groans, and wishes she felt better.  That and reads a whole lot of Scripture and a whole lot of the Christian Book of Concord in between watching a whole lot of television series.  But all of that is just being.  I greatly miss the me who was doing.

[Yes, I really was teary-eyed to see that shop-vac go.]

One of the buyers today surprised me.  By this I mean, one of them showed me that the pure doctrine is alive and thriving even in the mainline evangelical world.  She asked me about getting rid of the Christmas tree and lights, wondering if I did not like Christmas.  When I told her that I was too weak to use the decorations, she asked me if I was a believer.  Then, we started talking.

Oh, my!  Did I ever have the most wonderful of conversations about the work of the Holy Spirit and the Living Word!  Was I ever surprised!!  And, to be honest, I was a bit chastened.  There this woman (and her large family) were living in the heart of mainline evangelicalism, but they do not hunger after ways and steps, but after Christ crucified and the work of the Holy Spirit in teaching the Living Word.  The Bible, to her, was not something to be read and made personal application by experience and impression, but made truth by the teaching of the Holy Spirit.  God wills and works the Word, not man.  SIGH.  Good times.

It made me think about how, way back when I was drafting the booklet on how to get started reading the Christian Book of Concord, a pastor made sure that I was careful to remember and realize that the pure doctrine was known first as a Christian Book of Concord, not just the Lutheran doctrine or the Lutheran's Book of Concord.

When I first started reading the pure doctrine, it was like coming home.  All the things I had failed at and then railed against ... all the works righteousness stuff ... were not included.  Instead, I read of my sin and of Christ crucified for me.  I knew with my entire being I could not make myself a good enough Christian, I could not prove my salvation.  I knew—or rather most fervently hoped—that faith was not a feeling, nor was it a relationship with God dependent upon me.  As I have said, honestly I could not even begin to tell you how many times I prayed the Jesus prayer hoping that I prayed it rightly enough to cover the doubts and fears and struggles I still had.  Then,  I did not know the comfort of the Gospel.  I only knew the devastation of the Gospel-made-law, of Jesus-the-new-Moses.

We quoted Bible verses to one another, joy spilling over them as we recognized that both cherished and understood them in the light of Christ crucified.  To me, it really was a miraculous time, for so many of the Bible passages lost to me, poured forth from my mouth.  A Twilight Zone of Living Word.  And, thus, I will now not be so despairing when I cannot remember what I used to know of the Living Word, for God showed me that it is still buried in my mind.  I may have left it, but it has not left me.

That really is the mercy my Good Shepherd showed me today through this woman.  And, because the love of God is overflowing, I will add that when she wanted to hug/touch good-bye and I spoke of my need for space, she immediately stepped back and said that it was "okay."  The gift of that moment is that I knew she meant it.

She gave me her contact information and said she would like to have me over to meet her family.  I am wondering if this introverted, wall flower hermit might just actually be able to do such a thing. I am wondering because I am thinking that were I to manage to gird my loins and visit, I would hear more Living Word.

That unending fountain of the goodness of the Lord?  Well, it continued to flow in the mercy of Marie, who has heard my longing to have psalms poured into my ears and so now offers to read to me before hanging up.  Tonight, the psalm she had for me was Psalm 71:

In Thee, O LORD, I have taken refuge;
Let me never be ashamed.
In Thy righteousness deliver me, and rescue me;
Incline Thine ear to me, and save me.
Be Thou to me a rock of habitation, to which I may continually come;
Thou hast given commandment to save me,
For Thou art my rock and my fortress.
Rescue me, O my God, out of the hand of the wicked,
Out of the grasp of the wrongdoer and ruthless man,
For Thou art my hope;
O LORD God, Thou art my confidence from my youth.
By Thee I have been sustained from my birth;
Thou art He who took me from my mother’s womb;
My praise is continually of Thee.

I have become a marvel to many;
For Thou art my strong refuge.
My mouth is filled with Thy praise,
And with Thy glory all day long.
Do not cast me off in the time of old age;
Do not forsake me when my strength fails,
For my enemies have spoken against me;
And those who watch for my life have consulted together,
Saying, “God has forsaken him;
Pursue and seize him, for there is no one to deliver.”

O God, do not be far from me;
O my God, hasten to my help!
Let those who are adversaries of my soul be ashamed and consumed;
Let them be covered with reproach and dishonor, who seek to injure me.
But as for me, I will hope continually,
And will praise Thee yet more and more.
My mouth shall tell of Thy righteousness,
And of Thy salvation all day long;
For I do not know the sum of them.
I will come with the mighty deeds of the LORD God;
I will make mention of Thy righteousness, Thine alone.

O God, Thou hast taught me from my youth;
And I still declare Thy wondrous deeds.
And even when I am old and gray, O God, do not forsake me,
Until I declare Thy strength to this generation,
Thy power to all who are to come.
For Thy righteousness, O God, reaches to the heavens,
Thou who hast done great things;
O God, who is like Thee?
Thou, who hast shown me many troubles and distresses,
Wilt revive me again,
And wilt bring me up again from the depths of the earth.
Mayest Thou increase my greatness,
And turn to comfort me.

I will also praise Thee with a harp,
Even Thy truth, O my God;
O Thou Holy One of Israel.
My lips will shout for joy when I sing praises to Thee;
And my soul, which Thou hast redeemed.
My tongue also will utter Thy righteousness all day long;
For they are ashamed, for they are humiliated who seek my hurt.
After thinking about what Marie had shared with me, I chose Psalm 27 for her.  It turns out that that is her favorite Psalm!

The LORD is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the defense of my life;
Whom shall I dread?
When evildoers came upon me to devour my flesh,
My adversaries and my enemies, they stumbled and fell.
Though a host encamp against me,
My heart will not fear;
Though war arise against me,
In spite of this I shall be confident.

One thing I have asked from the LORD, that I shall seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life,
To behold the beauty of the LORD
And to meditate in His temple.
For in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle;
In the secret place of His tent He will hide me;
He will lift me up on a rock.
And now my head will be lifted up above my enemies around me,
And I will offer in His tent sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the LORD.

Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice,
And be gracious to me and answer me.
When Thou didst say, "Seek My face," my heart said to Thee,
"Your face, O LORD, I shall seek."
Do not hide Thy face from me,
Do not turn Thy servant away in anger;
Thou hast been my help;
Do not abandon me nor forsake me,
O God of my salvation!
For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
But the LORD will take me up.

Teach me Your way, O LORD,
And lead me in a level path
Because of my foes.
Do not deliver me over to the desire of my adversaries,
For false witnesses have risen against me,
And such as breathe out violence.
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the LORD.

Marie understands the beauty of narrowing in on just one thing.  Too, she let me tell her that one of the reasons I savor this psalm is the part about being concealed in the tabernacle and hidden in the tent since where John 1:14 speaks of the Word becoming flesh and dwelling among us the translation is actually "tabernacled" among us.  We are concealed and hidden in Christ, safe from our foe's ultimate end game for us: eternal death.

Lord, I believe.  Help my unbelief!