Friday, November 18, 2016


Something I find difficult to explain is how fragile I am emotionally.  It is the same with heat.  I say that it is too hot for me, and I am most often immediately corrected.  With temperature dysregulation, any temperature can be too hot.  The other day, I found myself sweating profusely whilst it was 60 degrees in my house.  Sixty degrees can leave me huddled beneath a pile of blankets shivering in misery.  Sixty degrees can leave me drowning in sweat.  

I am not saying that I have emotional dysregulation, but I am saying that I know how fragile I am.  And I often do not watch or read or even listen to some things because of how I feel.  Sometimes, whilst watching or reading or even listening to something, if I feel my balance slipping, I stop.  I often end up Googling for synopses, to see where the story might go, to see if I might handle it.  

For a while now, I have been primarily re-reading, finding safety in stories I know.  And re-watching. Seeking safety in the familiar.  I do try new shows, but I have given myself permission to abandon them when I am struggling.  When I sit and think about that, it discourages me.  I have changed so much with dysautonomia.

I think the two things I find most difficult to handle in the stories I read/watch are 1) injustice and 2) the evil mastermind who is always one step ahead.  I think what I like most in the stories I read/watch are folk struggling with brokenness.  And, of course, I love a good story, well-written with strong character development.  This year, I have started and stopped several shows, but one that I love is Fox's "Lethal Weapon." 

I was practically raised on the "Lethal Weapon" franchise.  Or maybe I should say that those were the movies I watched with my father ... during the good times.   After all, who doesn't love a good a good shoot-'em-up?  What I love about the show "Lethal Weapon" is its exquisite, but subtle storyline of loss and grief.   It is a slick show, with tons of stereotypical action.  Fast-paced, each episode is over before I realize it.  However, woven in all that fun are the storylines of Riggs grief over the death of his wife and Murtoch struggle with his own fragility (after a heart attack).  It is a lovely, lovely, lovely show.  

I watch it and smile, thinking just how much my father would like it.  I watch it and weep, for the agony of loss.  I watch it and hunger, at the love and commitment of family show.  I watch it and chuckle at the rather incredulous stunts.  Hollywood can be so silly in what it sells.  I watch it and marvel, at the craftsmanship of the writers.  Ingenious, really, to slip such quality into such a slick package.

When I think about the Stella Young TED Talk and her thoughts on the capacity of our bodies, I think that I want to be both gentle and strong with regard to the fragility of my emotions.  I want it to be okay that there are things I simply cannot watch or read or hear.  At least not now.  I guess I am saying that I think one of the messages of her talks would be that my fragility is not a weakness.  It just is.  Live with it.

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