Last Tuesday was a very, very difficult day at work. I am not sure if Friday was worse or not. It is hard being criticized privately and publicly for things I have not done and disparaged for not doing work that I have, indeed, accomplished. Protest or defense does not matter. All I can do is turn the other cheek and pray. I struggle mightily with feeling the utter professional failure....

I did manage to help two others this week: 1) I restored someone's laptop. It had become bogged down by things her children had downloaded and viruses and all to the point that it was really useless to her. She asked me to spec out a new one for her to purchase when I suggested she give it to me to wipe it and reload both the operating system and the software she needed. I figured that if I ruined the computer, she wouldn't have lost anything and if I succeeded then she would have gained much. I had to track down a few drivers that worried me a bit during the middle of the process, but I was able to hand her back a perfectly fine computer once I was finished. 2) I helped a woman write a notice of trespassing letter for someone who is being threatened and harassed so that she could file it with the police and a lawyer to help protect herself and her children and make it possible for the next visit to result in an arrest. It was a really, really solid letter because it dispassionately documented the harmful behavior and clearly outlined what she had done to protect her children. If the case goes to court, the letter will be a strong defense for her.

And I managed to meet my goal of catching up on laundry this weekend. Five loads are now washed, dried, folded, and put away (yes, I have avoided laundry as much as I did cleaning the bird cage). I am left with 12 shirts/jackets that need to be ironed and hope to get them done during football tonight!

I tried to address the problem I am having with the antique mirror hanging on my wall in my living room, but ended up hurting myself in the process. I originally hung it with hollow-wall toggle bolts, so I am not sure why one side gave way about two weeks ago. The mirror is very, very heavy and is hanging over an antique chest of drawers topped with marble. If it falls the rest of the way, it is sure to break the marble. However, the marble is too heavy for me to move. I tried to stand on a ladder to peer behind to mirror to see if I could determine what the problem was and to see if I could somehow put in another hollow-wall toggle bolt without removing the mirror. All I accomplished was falling off the ladder, banging many parts of my body, and winding up with a rather large lump on my head. I am not sure what to do next....

Below is Pastor's sermon from today:


Jesu Juva

“Many Variables, One Constant”
Text: Mark 9:14-29; Isaiah 50:4-10

Grace, mercy, and peace to you from God our Father, and from our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. Amen.

My son is taking algebra in school this year as his math class. Do you remember algebra? The mere mention of the word sends groans out of mouths and shivers down the spines of many people. But what makes it so tough? It is that with algebra, math isn’t quite so concrete anymore. You begin working with variables. The equations no longer have just numbers, but x’s, y’s, and z’s. And the more variables, the harder the problem, and the harder it is to figure out what to do. But the problems can be figured out, because with the variables there are also constants - numbers or values that are definite. And it’s the constants that provide a place from which to work and enable the problems to be solved.

But even if you don’t remember much about algebra - or never took it - you know about these things, because variables and constants aren’t just the things of math, but the things of life. In your life there are variables - things that change, that aren’t certain, that are elusive and undependable; but there are also constants - things that don’t change and that you can rely on. And like with math, life gets harder when the variables increase - when there are too many uncertain and undependable and changing things in your life, and not enough certain ones. Then you don’t know what to do. Then come the groans, the shivers, the confusion, and the fears.

And that’s where the father in the Holy Gospel today was at - he didn’t know what to do. His son had a unclean spirit for a number of years, since his childhood. It had tormented him greatly, and put him in physical danger. The father had undoubtedly done all he could think of to help his son, but nothing worked. And then, with great hope, he had asked Jesus’ disciples to help him and cast out this spirit, but even this failed. And now there was a great argument going on, between the Jewish scribes, the disciples, and the crowd that had gathered. He was, this father, at the end of his rope and on very shaky ground.

For what could he count on? His faith? He tried, but his faith was one day up and one day down; one day strong and one day weak; one day full of hope and the next day filled with fear. Just like you and me. No, his faith was not a constant he could count on. Neither could he count on his friends - they were using the occasion to argue while his son continued to be tormented. He couldn’t count on his own strength or steadfastness - that was quickly slipping away. And his good works? What good were they? He couldn’t even do good for who mattered most to him, his own son. His life was filled with confusion, uncertainty, and failure. What would the unclean spirit do next? What would he do next? What would happen next? There were too many variables and . . . well, were there any constants?

As we remembered on Friday, September 11, 2001 was such a day for many people. The death of a loved one is such a time for many people. A difficult medical diagnosis, the loss of a job, moving to a new home in a strange place, friends turning on you and letting you down - all can be such times. Times when we feel the ground giving way beneath us and the variables piling up and we are so shaky we don’t feel as if we can take even one more step, and not knowing what to do we cry out with the father of this boy: Lord, “I believe; help my unbelief!”

And there is your constant. When all the variables - and even the constants - in our lives that we thought we could count on have let us down, there is One who remains constant. Not that He wasn’t always there, it’s that we keep substituting other things we think we can stand on, but that always let us down. There is only One who is reliable. Only One who is the constant to solve the variables. Only One who, as we prayed, is our support and defense in every need. The One who, as Isaiah said, set His face like a flint to go to the cross. The cross where there is nothing variable. The cross where there is only the constant of the love of God laying down His life for you; the constant of the love of God taking your sin away from you and paying for it Himself; the constant of the love of God to provide for you what otherwise you would not have - life and hope.

And so you have a constant in this very variable life: Jesus.

And so in answer to this father’s need, Jesus drives out the unclean spirit with His Word. Good, right? Well, yes . . . though at first, it seems as if this too has been a colossal failure, that instead of saving the boy, He has killed him! For, we are told, he looked like a corpse and most of them said, “He is dead.” But no - our constant remains constant, and what looks like death is turned to life. Jesus takes him by the hand and raises him to a new life.

It is a small picture of the cross - another place where it seems as if this has all been a colossal failure! Where another Son, instead of being saved, was killed and was a corpse and was placed dead into the ground . . . and it seemed as if the unclean spirits had won. But again, no - our constant remains constant, and death is turned to life. Jesus rises from the dead to a new life.

And that is a small picture of what has happened to you as well. For Jesus has come to you and driven out your unclean spirit with His Word and water in Holy Baptism. Good, right? Well, yes . . . though at first, perhaps you look at your life and it seems as if this has been a colossal failure! For still you have sin and death instead of life. But no - your constant remains constant, as in the midst of sin and death Jesus here and now reaches out His hand and raises you in forgiveness; as Jesus reaches out His hand and feeds you with His own body and blood; as Jesus reaches out to you and gives you new life.

And these we can rely on. Our constants, our hope and life in a very uncertain world.

Now, satan wants you to think otherwise - that Jesus is just another variable in your life, that you cannot rely on. And we believe it sometimes, don’t we? Wondering about God, what He is doing, why He isn’t doing what we think He should, and thinking Him unreliable. Yet still He remains constant, and repentance is turning back to our constant and receiving from Him what will not fail - His forgiveness and life.

That is the meaning of that funny statement at the end of the Gospel today, when Jesus says that “This kind cannot be driven out by anything but prayer.” That doesn’t mean that prayer is some sort of magic formula, or that this was some sort of “super demon” - but that there is only One power, One constant, that can give us life, and that is Jesus. For prayer is the voice of faith. Faith that turns to our Lord for all that is needed, repenting and despairing of ourselves and turning to Him where He has promised to be for us, to receive what He has promised to give to us. And He does not let us down!

Like the disciples, we have to learn that. Perhaps you too think you should be able to do it. Perhaps you too have turned to Jesus and said, “How come I can’t do it?” How come I keep failing and sinning and doubting and falling?

The truth is that you could never do it! The good news is that you don’t have to. You are not your constant, Jesus is your constant. The One who came and did it for you. His perfect life, His death in your place, His resurrection from the dead, His forgiveness and salvation, His life and hope - all is yours. From Him.

For that is the way of it with Jesus. He does what you can’t, to give you what you do not have. That from the first page of your life to the last, He be the constant. His forgiveness, His life, His love, giving you peace and hope and joy. Giving, until that day when His voice will call again and He reaches out His hand - one more time - to take hold of you and pull you from the grave. That day is the day when all variables will finally pass away, and Christ, our constant, will be all in all.

In the Name of the Father and of the (+) Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Now the peace of God which passes all understanding, keep your hearts and minds through faith in Christ Jesus, our Lord. Amen.

I realized that I never posted Pastor's sermon from Sunday...


Jesu Juva

“He Does All Things Well”
Text: Isaiah 35:4-7a; Mark 7:31-37; James 2:1-10, 14-18

Grace, mercy, and peace to you from God our Father, and from our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. Amen.

We hear from the prophet Isaiah today: “Say to those who have an anxious heart . . .” That’s you, isn’t it? For like the people in Isaiah’s day, who among us does not have an anxious heart?
Anxious about what has happened in the past, or anxious about what is going to happen in the future.
Anxious about what we have done, or what we have not done.
Anxious for others, and anxious for ourselves.
Anxious about what we know, and anxious about what we don’t know.
Anxious as our minds are filled with “what ifs,” with “shouldas, wouldas, and couldas,” and with fears of all shapes and sizes.
Anxious as the sin and evil in our world - and in us! - seems so big and powerful and threatening, and the church and what is good - in the world and in us! - seems so small and so weak.

Yes, we are those with anxious hearts.
Anxious . . . like the people in California whose homes are threatened by the wildfires there. The firefighters are fighting the flames, but they are so big and powerful and threatening . . .
Anxious . . . like the people who watch hurricanes form and draw near. They sandbag and seal up and prepare, but they are so big and powerful and threatening . . .
So it is so often with you and me - we see the fires of evil, the storms of hell, and the attacks of doubt rising up against us in our world, in our lives, even in our own hearts, and we grow anxious, worried, and filled with fear. It is all so big and powerful and threatening . . . and we are so small and weak.

But to those who have an anxious heart, Isaiah has a Word of God for us. A Word of hope. “Say to those who have an anxious heart, “Be strong; fear not! Behold, your God will come with vengeance, with the recompense of God. He will come and save you.” With those words, Isaiah would take our eyes off of the threats that cause us such anxiety, and off of ourselves who can’t do anything about them. For when we focus on the threats or on ourselves, we just wind up increasing our anxiety. But with his words, Isaiah focuses us on the One who is greater - greater than whatever is causing us anxiety, and greater than ourselves. And not only the One who is greater, but who has promised to come in vengeance and recompense, or pay-back, against the sin and evil that has afflicted His creation. Who has promised to come and save you. For as long as you live in this world and life, you will have many anxiety-causing afflictions; you will have no shortage of troubles; you will not be immune. But you do have this promise: that they will not win, and you will not be alone. He will come and save you.

Now, to be sure, there are times when it seems as if the sin and evil in this world are winning, and as if you are alone, and that God is very far away from coming and saving. At such times we are like the deaf and mute man in the Holy Gospel today. Our eyes work, and we see the fires and storms of sin and evil wreaking havoc in the world. And our hearts work, our consciences convicting us of the sin and evil in us and in our lives. And so attacked from without and attacked from within we are anxious and filled with fear and worry . . . because our ears aren’t working. Our ears, to hear the promises of God. To hear the forgiveness of God. To hear of our hope. And because we do not hear, we too have a speech impediment - something impeding, or blocking, our speech: namely, the anxiety of our hearts that hinders our prayers and praise and seeks to drive us to despair and unbelief.

But today Mark shows us that the One Isaiah pointed us to, the hope for anxious hearts, has come! For when He comes, Isaiah says, “the eyes of the blind shall be opened, and the ears of the deaf unstopped; then shall the lame man leap like a deer, and the tongue of the mute sing for joy.”

“And taking him aside from the crowd privately, [Jesus] put his fingers into his ears, and after spitting touched his tongue. And looking up to heaven, he sighed and said to him, “Ephphatha,” that is, “Be opened.” And his ears were opened, his tongue was released, and he spoke plainly.”

And not for this man only, but for you has Jesus done this. For you, it was not the spit of His tongue, but the water of the font. And the word that was spoken was not Ephphatha, but I baptize you in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. But the result was the same. When you were baptized, Jesus took you aside and made you His own. When you were baptized, Jesus opened your ears to His Word and gave you His Spirit and faith. When you were baptized, Jesus released your tongue to speak in prayer and praise. When you were baptized, the words of Isaiah the prophet became yours: He came and saved you.

And that is true because in, with, and under the water of Holy Baptism is the power and life of Jesus’ cross. His cross, where the vengeance and recompense of God was poured out upon the sin that has oppressed us. His cross, where the fires of evil were quenched by His blood and the storms of hell silenced with His forgiveness. His cross, where the Son of God hung as your substitute - that condemned in your place and dying your death, you may have His life. Eternal life. And that is now exactly what is given to you in Holy Baptism - the life of Christ and His victory. For He who rose from the dead and victoriously opened the grave, now opens deaf ears and looses mute tongues; forgives sins and gives peace; gives hope and raises you to life as a child of God. Life, even in the midst of many afflictions. For while the afflictions of this world seek to rob you of this life, they cannot rob you of His life.

And so the antidote to our anxiety is Christ.

When we focus on ourselves - or on the faith which we’re supposed to have! - anxiety is sure to come, because we are so weak and powerless; we succumb so often to temptation; we are so easily frightened and bewildered. But it is exactly to us, in such a helpless state, that Christ has come. And still comes. For as Isaiah saw and proclaimed, Christ is not the greater one far away in heaven, but the greater one here for you. Here, in your life. Here in your suffering. Here in your despair. Here in your aloneness. Here in your struggle. Here in your dying days. For He who has overcome all these things has not promised that you will not have them, but that He will be with you and overcome them for you too.

Perhaps you wish that victory would come a bit sooner - I’m sure the people in Isaiah’s day did too! But it is not your victory, but His. And He will do it. You have His promise.

And that promise is what enables us to live. To live securely in an insecure world. To live the life that James was talking about today - a life of faith and good works. Apart from Christ and His promise anxiety is our daily bread. But in Christ and His promise we are fed by His life, and so can live His life. Faith receiving His life and love and gifts, and then good works giving His life and love and gifts. Not because we have to, but because with His life and victory, we can. The bottom line is that all that we have is gift from Him. Gifts to help us in our anxiety, and gifts to help others in theirs. Gifts to live out the good vocations you have been given. Gifts which give us hope and peace.

For they are gifts from our Lord [who] does all things well. Who is working in you and through you according to His good will. Even if now, for a time, you are struggling; and even if your struggling - perhaps like the deaf man - has gone on all your life. The struggle is not pointless or meaningless or hopeless. From it your Lord will bring good. He will do well. He will have compassion. He will save.

And for this He has come and is here for you today - here in His body and blood for you to eat and to drink. To save you. To give you the forgiveness, faith, strength, and peace that you need. That you so desperately need. So repent of yourself and come. Come, receive Him, and find rest for your anxious heart. Come, dear child of God, for the giver of ears, the looser of tongues, the forgiver of sins, the opener of graves, and the giver of life is here for you. Come and rest in Him.

In the Name of the Father and of the (+) Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Now the peace of God which passes all understanding, keep your hearts and minds through faith in Christ Jesus, our Lord. Amen.

Pastor W posted a funeral homily the other day that just...well...emphasizes how very different these confessional Lutherans are...what a beautiful lesson for us about the joy of Christ, the privilege of life in Him...life filled with the Holy Spirit, life buoyed by the certainty of being a child of God...

One bit to tempt you to delve into the whole:

And there’s the secret to Hib’s joy - and the Schumacher joy in general - he lived as a baptized child of God. He knew his sins - which he freely confessed deserved God’s temporal and eternal punishment - had all been forgiven by the Son of God, that he had been adopted into God’s family and given a life that no death could ever take away from him. His family SANG that joy into him over the years and he learned to sing it with them. How could his heart not sing? He had a Savior! His Savior loved HIM! His Savior had wiped out his sins and given him the promise of a home that would be eternal! As Luther once said: “But with a man who belongs to an eternal kingdom all is well, and it is fitting that that he should dance through life forevermore.”

To have the joy of Christ sung into you all your life! What a thought! You know, I admit that I truly wish that I knew more of the Lutheran hymns. I have been trying to figure out a way to learn them, but I do not read music and struggle to even hear the melody when they are played in church. Pastor often links to the tune of the hymns for the week on the church blog, but I find those hard to discern the melody as well. [It is as if I never used to sing at all!]

Many of the tunes are old and hard. The words oft heavy with layers of meaning. Yet, while the they might not roll easily off the tongue as I could wish, they are words that speak of the Law, words that tell of the Gospel, words that honor the works of God, of Christ, and of the Holy Spirit. They are not merely songs, nor are they simple paeans. They are chock full of scripture, wholly devoted to conveying the Truth of God. From the first word to the last, they maintain a right relationship between the Creator and the created, giving praise and thanksgiving, glory and honor to a triune God who offers salvation from sin to rescue us from death.

So, hymns are another GIVEN with Lutherans. They are full of doctrine and are a rich resource for remembering and reflecting on the gifts God has for us, on the mercy and grace of our Lord Jesus Christ. Hymns are to be sung every day, to ring out the moments of our lives.

Do you understand now what a precious gift it is that Pastor will often sing to me a hymn before he leaves a lessoning? [Has it been three weeks since he sung last?]

Another Lutheran GIVEN that I left off my last list? For you. FOR YOU! These words are a litany of sorts among confessional Lutherans. So often these words are spoken. So often these words are offered as a precious gift. So often are they proffered to comfort and sustain, to console and strengthen. For you, God responded to the betrayal of Adam and Eve's sin by promising a perfect plan to defeat satan forever. For you, God worked for 2,000 years toward the fullness of time for that plan. For you, God humbled himself and became man. For you, Christ, perfect and sinless in every way, faced hostility by sinners again and again and again, before He endured the Cross, despising the shame, and sacrificed Himself. For you, God removed your sins as far as the East is from the West through the death of His Son so that He see you only through the perfection of His Son and bring you to His home for all eternity. For you, God gave the Holy Spirit to teach and sustain. For you, God breathed His Spirit into the hearts and pens of men to create the Living Word. For you, Christ gives life and peace by daily pouring out His mercy and Objective Grace and never-ending forgiveness. For you. For you. For you.

These two words, perhaps more than any others, paint the perfect picture of Lutheran doctrine. For you means the doctrine of the Law and all its condemnation. For you means the Gospel and all of its freedom. For you means the sweet blessing of the Promise and all the promises given by the Lord God Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, by His Son Jesus Christ, and by the Holy Spirit, who live and reign together, one God, now and forever more.

For you, Myrtle. Pastor says these words to me quite a bit. In truth, I need to hear them more.


Pastor W's homily:

Evie, David, Diane, Debbie and Dinah, family and friends of Hilbert Schumacher, whence the joy? For everyone who knew Hib, knew him as a man of joy, a man quick to laugh (and also laugh at himself), usually smiling and invariably friendly and kind. Whence such joy? Some might say: “Oh, well, he was a Schumacher after all!” The Schumachers are notorious for their joy and laughter and easy-going dispositions. But that doesn’t get at the heart of it, for the question persists: WHY are they so?

To get the joy of a Hib Schumacher you have to go back to a cold November day in 1923. It was November 18th. The Church Year was winding down to its close and a Baptism was about to be celebrated. At the ripe age of 10 days, Erwin and Emma bundled up their little Hilbert and hauled him off with joy to the font. It was not in this building, but the old St. Paul’s. Pastor Hansen was waiting for them, and over little Hilbert’s head he poured water at the Lord’s command, saying “Ich taufe dich im Namen des Vaters und des Sohnes und des Heiligen Geistes. Amen.” English services wouldn’t start being held for several more years. Then he put his hand on little Hilbert’s head and prayed a blessing upon him: “Der almächtiger Gott und Vater unsers Herrn Jesu Christi der dich wiedergeboren hat durch das Wasser und dem Heiligen Geist und hat dir alle deine Sünden vergeben, der stärke dich mit seinem Gnade zum ewigen Leben. Amen” That is, The almighty God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has given you the new birth of water and the Holy Spirit, and has forgiven all your sins, strengthen you with his grace to eternal life.

And there’s the secret to Hib’s joy - and the Schumacher joy in general - he lived as a baptized child of God. He knew his sins - which he freely confessed deserved God’s temporal and eternal punishment - had all been forgiven by the Son of God, that he had been adopted into God’s family and given a life that no death could ever take away from him. His family SANG that joy into him over the years and he learned to sing it with them. How could his heart not sing? He had a Savior! His Savior loved HIM! His Savior had wiped out his sins and given him the promise of a home that would be eternal! As Luther once said: “But with a man who belongs to an eternal kingdom all is well, and it is fitting that that he should dance through life forevermore.”

As little Hilbert grew in years, he learned to know ever more about this Savior and to sing His praises with gusto. It was in 1937 that he knelt down before this very altar and hands were laid on him again - Pastor Hansen had died a few years before - so it was Pastor Hennig whose hands were put on Hilbert this time. Again the same prayer was raised, that he be strengthened in the faith he had professed before the altar and remain true to the Blessed Trinity until death. And then a few short days later, on Maundy Thursday, for the very first time the undying Body and Blood of the Son of God were placed into Hilbert’s mouth with the promise of forgiveness renewed and eternal life guaranteed, and a new joy broke forth in his heart and life. The Sacrament would be a solid rock for Hib, a constant source of his joy in Christ, and he received it into his mouth most every week and for the very last time on Monday, the day of his death.

Joys abound in the Lord! And one of Hilbert’s greatest joys was when God gave him the gift of the fetching young Evelyn Sliva to be his life’s companion. They shared together their joy in the Lord and they passed it on to you, their children, and through you to their grandchildren. Family meant so much to him - was life ever better than when gathered together with family, playing cards, laughing and telling stories, and feasting on those famous butterhorns. Joy and more joy.

Isaiah spoke of such a family gathering - a gathering where the Lord spreads the feast to celebrate death’s overthrow, and where His people cry out: “Let us rejoice and be glad in His salvation!” For our earthly family gatherings, blessed are they are, are but types and foreshadowings of that real and final family gathering when the whole family of God is gathered home - a people whose reproach has been taken away by the Crucified and Risen Lord; a people whose sorrows are removed as a nail scarred hand reaches out to wipe the tears from their faces forever. Such a Savior Hilbert had, and so his joy!

St. Paul said it too: “Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I will say: rejoice.” Hilbert would have said: “Well, yeah!” What’s to fear or be worried about? We can take every concern to the Lord in prayer and lay it on Him! We can give thanks all the time. And God gives us a peace that simply defies understanding.

Our Lord spoke of home too - the home He would go to prepare for us. Hilbert lived his life and died his death confident that the Lord had prepared a place for him and for all who came to know Jesus as the way, the truth, and the life. It was gut wrenching to think of leaving you all; but it was also joyful to realize he was only going ahead of you, heading to home with his beloved mother and father, his sisters and brother. Can you even imagine what Irma would have said on Monday? “Well Hilbert! About TIME you got here.” And the laughter that was so familiar to us on earth would ring out with even greater and stronger joy and vigor there.

And the supreme joy of all: to see at last Him in whom he had trusted, whose Words had never let him down, and whose praise he had loved to sing. To see him and know that he would never be parted from that blessed vision ever again. And now he waits for us and he prays for us that we might join him in that bliss, and together with him await the glorious day when that Savior appears again upon this earth and raises our bodies and brings us whole and entire into even greater joy.

Which all sounds wonderful for him, but for us, for you, in the meantime? In the meantime, never forget that you will never be closer to Hib in any place on this earth than when you kneel down at the Lord’s table. He is there, on the other side, the side we can’t see, already enjoying the feast that never ends. And you share it even now with him. When your heart is sore to the point of breaking and you can’t stand how much you miss him, come and feast with him at the Lamb’s table and the joy will return - the joy that animated and filled Hilbert Schumacher for all his life. The joy of sins forgiven and death destroyed. The joy of a Savior, who delights to give us, even as He gave Hib, a life that never ends. Amen.

Hilbert E. "Hib" Schumacher, age 85, of Hamel, died at 10:06 p.m., on Monday, Sept. 7, 2009, at Anderson Hospital in Maryville. He was born on Nov. 10, 1923, in Alhambra, the son of the late Erwin E. and Emma M. Blase Schumacher.

He married Evelyn Marie Sliva on May 13, 1945, at St. Paul Lutheran Church in Hamel. She survives.
Along with his wife, he is survived by a son: David Schumacher of Edwardsville; three daughters: Diane and Joe Hotz of Durham, N.C., Debbie and Chuck Rathert of Edwardsville and Dinah and Rev. Randall Schultz of Burton, Mich.; a brother: Elmer and Inez Schumacher of Glen Carbon; two sisters: Helen Klausing of Troy and Ruth and Albert Ernst of Hamel; 10 grandchildren: Kristin and Dr. Jim Powell, Nathan and Beth Schumacher, Simon and Emily Hotz, Andrew Hotz, Katie and Jason Kosten, Annie and Jarrod Frey, Joe Rathert, Michael Schultz, Joel Schultz and David Schultz; and three great grandchildren: Adam Powell, Tyler Powell and CeCe Belt. Along with his parents, he was preceded in death by a brother: Erwin Schumacher Jr.; and two sisters: Hilda Moehle and Irma Ernst.

Mr. Schumacher was born and raised in Alhambra Township. He graduated from Edwardsville High School, in Edwardsville, in 1942. He worked for a short time for Hamel Telephone Co., and then for Cassens Transport Co., as a parts manager; and then for 27 years for Klaustermeier Ford in Alhambra as a manager, which the last three years was called Tri Ford, until retiring in 1988. He was currently and had been the Hamel Township Supervisor since 1975.

He enjoyed woodworking. [And had missing digits to prove it] His memberships include St. Paul Lutheran Church in Hamel, St. Paul's Mens Club and the Madison County Fireman Association.

Today was my fifth day of painting my boss' office. I have painted two coats of yellow. I have primed over those coats. I have painted two more coats of the same yellow, different brand. This evening, as I was leaving, my boss announced that she thinks the color is wrong still. More priming tomorrow.

Tuesday, I was the recipient of a tongue lashing from her about how my illness over the summer has been distracting to her and that I have slacked off in my work and she is tired of covering for me. I am to become well and stop hurting the department. I am also to get on board with her organization and help her with her office. This after three days of painting at that point! I do her work and mine and that of the person who left. Yes, I have been ill. Yes, people finally started commenting on my weight loss. The appearance (no pun intended) is that I am not doing my work, a criticism surely fostered by my boss. I am to eat and work and be well.

Today, I had another hypoglycemic episode, though this time I managed not to faint. I could have just downed the juice, but I have learned that if I have the sugar alone, then the same thing will happen later. So, thinking I might have enough time to run to get some protein, I took my trembling self to the car and drove hastily to get something with chicken. I called my godmother so that I had someone to talk with and monitor if I was still alert. While I am still nauseous from the chicken cobb salad, I mitigated the low blood sugar and, hopefully, had enough protein to not repeat the cycle later. My boss was less than pleased (even though she was not there) that my health was a problem today.

Oh, how I wish that I could have someone explain the nuances of this new disease and try and help me figure out what is happening! If I don't eat at all, I am fine. If I try to eat, doing so without throwing up frequently makes me ill later, but I haven't pinpointed why. It seems as if anything other than simple protein is less than positive, but I also know that I really need to be consuming more. SIGH.

Today, this woman from work stopped me to ask if I was feeling well. She said my lips were blue. Usually, I have lipstick on (not that I am attached to it so much as I can still hear my mother's criticism whenever my lips are bare in public). I am not sure why, but they really were slightly blue. I told her I was fine, thinking about my boss' criticism. While we were talking, she reached over to pluck some hair from my shoulder and my arm. Then she awkwardly pointed out the worst spot above my left temple where my scalp is far more visible than I care for it to be. I kept telling her I was fine. Yet...the photo is the hair that has fallen out during my last three showers and brushing it over the past three days. [This pile is sitting upon a paper towel, not a napkin.] Yes, I have thick hair. Had thick hair. My braids now are half as thick as they were less than three weeks ago. I decided to start keeping the piles from the side of the tub so that perhaps the quantity itself would show the doctor that something is most definitely not right!

I don't want to be bald! I don't want to lose any more hair! Eight or nine years it will take to grow back! I...I...I...

SIGH.

I have been thinking a lot about Walther's first evening lecture. [See, I have not raced through this book! I do not even believe that is possible, so delightfully rich is his teaching.] Simple, profound truth. The call of the Living Word.

His first lecture sets out the six differences between the doctrines of Law and Gospel and begins examining them:

• These two doctrines differ as regards the manner of their being revealed to man;
• As regards to their contents;
• as regards the promises held out by either doctrine;
• as regards their threatenings;
• as regards the function and the effect of either doctrine;
• as regards the persons to whom either the one or the other doctrine must be preached. (7)
  

The fourth difference between the Law and Gospel relates to threats. The Gospel contains no threats at all, but only words of consolation. Wherever in Scripture you come across a threat, you may be assured that that passage belongs in the Law. He would indeed be a blessed person who could fully realize this comforting truth. The Holy Spirit produces this knowledge wherever it exists. Without the Holy Ghost this knowledge cannot be attained. Every person remains an unbeliever unless the Holy Spirit works this knowledge in him.

However, we are not to imagine that the Gospel makes men secure because it has no threats to hurl at men. On the contrary, the Gospel removes from believers the desire to sin.

The Law, on the other hand, is nothing but threats. As Abraham send Hagar away into the desert with a loaf of bread and a jug of water, so the Law hands us a piece of bread and then thrusts us into a desert.

Deut. 27, 26 God says through Moses: Cursed be he that confirmeth not all the words of the Law to do them. And all the people shall say, Amen. Indeed, man is invited by the Law to pronounce a curse upon himself. Only a person engulfed by eternal darkness can believe that the Law will give him no trouble.

The Gospel proceeds in an entirely different fashion. Paul says, I Tim. 1, 15: This is a faithful saying and worthy of all acceptation, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am chief. Hence even the foremost among sinners is not made to hear threats, but only the sweetest promise.

Luke 4, 16-21 we have this record: He [Jesus] came to Nazareth, where He had been brought up; and as His custom was, He went into the synagog on the Sabbath-day and stood up for to read. And there was delivered unto Him the book of the prophet Esaias. And when He has opened the book, He found the place where it was written, The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He hath anointed Me to preach the Gospel to the poor; He hath sent Me to heal the broken-hearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised, to preach the acceptable year of the Lord. And He closed the book, and He gave it again to the minister and sat down. And the eyes of all them that were in the synagog were fastened on Him. And He began to say unto them, This day is announced the contents of His doctrine, or of the Gospel. He meant to say: "I am not come to bring a new Law, but to proclaim the Gospel." Happy the man who realizes this fact! May God help us all to attain to this knowledge! (11-12)

So often, when I have heard sermons, I have left more acutely aware of my sin than of the gift that Christ bestows on us. Yes, I am more prone to see the Law. I have been surrounded by Law my whole life, every flaw, every failing, every disappointment has been examined and cataloged by my family to be reviewed again and again and again. I fall into their filleting even without their prompting; it is the habit of my life. I know full well my sin. I know. Yet trying to make myself more faithful, more holy is futile. I didn't need Luther to teach me that. I've been failing at it for years! What I have been doing during that time, doing even now when my eyes and heart are filled with teeming emotions and the reality of circumstances, is denying the completeness of the work of Christ. This, I know, too. How to I reconcile that dissonance in my life? I am given the truth, but I see the lie...

Jump to the effects of the two doctrines. In brief, the Law, the law in telling us what to do but not enabling us to do so, condemns us. The Law shows us our sins and hurls us into despair. And the Law produce contrition, painting the terrors of help, of death, of the wrath of God, but offering absolutely no comfort. Without the Law, we could not understand the Gospel. But without the Gospel, we die. What are the effects of the Gospel? (13-14)

The effects of the Gospel are of an entirely different nature. The consist in this, that, in the first place, the Gospel, when demanding faith, offers and gives us faith in that very demand. When we preach to people: Do believe in the Lord Jesus Chris, God gives them faith through our preaching. We preach faith, and any person not wilfully resisting obtains faith. It is, indeed, not the mere physical sound of the spoken Word that produces this effect, but the contents of the Word.

The second effect of the Gospel is that it does not at all reprove the sinner, but takes all terror, all fear, all anguish, from him and fills him with peace and joy in the Holy Ghost. At the return of the prodigal the father does not with a single word refer to his horrible, abominable conduct. He says nothing, nothing whatever, about it, but falls upon the prodigal's neck, kisses him, and prepares a splendid feast for him. That is a glorious parable exhibiting to us the effect of the Gospel. It removes all unrest and fills us with a blessed, heavenly peace.

In the third place, the Gospel does not require anything good that man must furnish: not a good heart, not a good disposition, no improvement of his condition, no godliness, no love either of God or men. It issues no orders, but it changes man. It plants love into his heart and makes him capable of all good works. It demands nothing, but it gives all. Should not this fact make us leap for joy? (15-16)

Yes! Most assuredly yes!

Why then am I not leaping?

Oh, but how I believe there must be demands! There have been demands my whole life. The demands of my family: To remain silent. To ignore reality. To pretend to fit in. To hide the secrets. To be obedient. To keep up appearances no matter the consequence. To lose weight. To dress nicely. To wear make-up. To be less selfish. To not be myself. To never be myself because of you know how you are. The demands of church: To serve others. To give money. To give time. To shine my light. To shine more brightly. To witness. To convert. To believe(as if I could manufacture this on my own if only I tried harder). To trust more. To increase my faith. To pray often enough. To pray hard enough. To pray long enough. To love others. To be holy.

How can there be no demands!

I can do none of the latter without the Holy Spirit. Yet all of them, done as completely and as perfectly as humanly possible will still gain me nothing, will count as nothing against that treasure of righteousness.

Oh, how I need to hear the Gospel! I want to hear the Gospel. I want to hear it daily, to be reminded of truth over and over and over again, until the power of the content of the Word obliterates the lies that linger in my ears.

I should have listened to the sermon last night. I should have prayed for the courage to listen instead of fleeing. I should have dared. For surely, if I know nothing else, Pastor taught the sweet, sweet Gospel. He would never have left me with only the pain of the assault, with only the hurt and betrayal and despair.

What bits do I savor most from the passages above?

Wherever in Scripture you come across a threat, you may be assured that that passage belongs in the Law. He would indeed be a blessed person who could fully realize this comforting truth.

I can have comfort in the threats being from the Law because that law has been fulfilled! Regarding those threats, regarding the consequences of my sin of breaking the Law day in and day out, Walther offers still more comfort:

At the return of the prodigal the father does not with a single word refer to his horrible, abominable conduct.

Not a single word? I can barely fathom such forgiveness. Oh, the words...the many, many words that have been spoken against my conduct. I hear them. I remember them. I even find myself repeating them to myself.

He says nothing, nothing whatever, about it, but falls upon the prodigal's neck, kisses him, and prepares a splendid feast for him.

This is the love He gives me. This is the love that I should embrace...not the other. I should have listened last night...

To be frank, there are two types of sermons I just cannot take: those on sexuality and those on assault. I also struggle with listening to those about parents, but such sermons do not make me want to flee. But, if you think about it, when do you really hear the former topics covered? Well, the day of my baptism, the Sunday School lesson began with the topic of sexuality. I fled the room and truly battled wanting to just leave the building altogether.

Tonight, I thought I would try the monthly Evening Prayer Service again because a) I have been so cold since last night I thought if it was merely uncomfortable temperature-wise in the room I might actually warm up and b) I resolved that I would walk out immediately should there be no air-conditioning at all like that disastrous night in June.

So, there I was, sitting in a less-than-cool room that at least did not accentuate the chills that have been wracking my body since about 2:00 this morning. Following the Liturgy was difficult because, in the Evening Prayer Service, there is much more singing and chanting than at church. I was always behind in finding the proper page and even the proper spot on the page. I couldn't even flip the pages of my bible fast enough to have the scripture readings before me and only managed to be able to read along to about half of each passage. The Galatians passage (3: 15-22) confused me somewhat because some of my passage did not match his. I read NASB (and KJ and am trying to add ESV); usually Pastor reads ESV, though I am not sure which version he read tonight. I believe it was verse 19 that was at issue. When the Gospel reading covered the story of the good Samaritan, the thought of the circumstances of that portion of scripture flitted through my mind, but I was not immediately alarmed. After all, I have heard at least a dozen sermons on this passage. I should have been.

From the first sentence, I knew that Pastor's sermon was not one I could hear. From the first sentence, he put us in the place of the man. From the first sentence, he put his condition front and center, he put the assault front and center. Oh, how I wanted to flee.

But, you see, it is a small room with a small group and I was torn between trying not to cry and trying to decide if leaving would cause more of a scene than remaining, unable to chant or sing or pray in my distress. Why...someone please tell me...why is going to church so difficult?

Pastor warned me, as I walked into the building, that the room was not particularly cool and even very thoughtfully fetched me a cup of water. Why could he not have warned me, knowing full well what happened after the concert, about the sermon topic? I am frustrated with myself because I want him to remember even though he has a whole church full of people, a family with three children, and now his doctorate studies in graduate school. When you look at it that way, my wanting him to remember, to give me a heads up on those difficult topics seems pretty selfish. Oh, how I wish that I were not so weak...how I wish such topics were easy and matter-of-fact...

After deciding that jumping up and leaving would be too disruptive to the others who had come to worship and be fed, I sat there trying to focus on the book I had started reading last night. After reviewing the points the preface made on the Gospel, I then tried to remember Walther's first evening lecture. He had started with the differences between the doctrines of Law and Gospel. The first was the manner in which the doctrine is revealed to man. His discussion of this difference actually involved a question I tried to ask Pastor a while ago. The exercise of trying to recall the details of what I read helped to block out what Pastor was saying, although the word "assault" kept hammering my heart, so often he repeated it.

If I could have borne listening, I am sure that his lesson would have been a balance between Law and Gospel, ending with the sweetness of Christ. If nothing else, I have learned the need for Pastors to preach and to teach both and, in the process, confuse neither with the other. Pastor D certainly keeps that in the forefront of his mind, as do the Internet Pastors S, W, and P and many others on Four and Twenty+ Blackbirds. They understand full well our wretched condition and our utter need for grace and mercy.

I couldn't pray, but at one point I set aside the turmoil I feel with such topics long enough to listen to the woman next to me. It is for her that Pastor holds the monthly Evening Prayer Service at the nursing home. I had been introduced to her last time, but I had not really talked with her. [For that matter, sadly, I knew very few people in the church...not even enough to put names to faces when I pray for them using the bulletin notes.]

She is a bit of a chatty Catty, which was a great compliment to my wallflower nature. I tried to ask her a couple of questions so that she did not feel affront at my less than social response to her affable exchange. I did find a measure of comfort in that she, too, did not stand for all the standing parts of the service. At church, I feel lonely sitting in the pew when everyone else is standing, but they are standing in reverence and I wish I were standing with them. I could, for a time, but it starts to hurt and tires me, so I do not. Though, when I am holding A, I try to stand for some parts with her. Tonight, I reveled in having someone to sit next to during the service, feeling less the interloper...until the sermon.

But back to what I heard.

It was at the end, when I thought I could not hold my tears back any longer, and we were praying the Lord's Prayer. I remained silent, but I did not hear the cacophony of voices around me that usually meld into a single, staid voice, dull in tone, rote in sound, even if rich in the fullness of faith. Instead, I heard a single voice, I heard this woman pray the words, not recite them, emphasizing particular points with true passion and what I can only describe as humbleness. She was praying to her Father, to her Redeemer, to her Teacher. The words written thousands of years ago for all humanity were hers and hers alone in that moment. It was a moment, a lesson, I shall savor.

I did flee the moment the service had ended, feeling ashamed that I could not contain my tears and trying to ignore the concern of the residents who noticed my distress as I raced out the door. They wouldn't understand. I do not. I do not understand myself. I do not understand why the peace of Christ is so elusive, why it is so difficult for me to find rest in the One who gives and gives and gives to me, why I cannot pull my eyes away from my circumstances long enough to fix my eyes upon the Author and Perfecter of my faith.

I would like to blame that on the fact that I keep getting bombarded with hurt and struggles and trials. I would like to lay blame anywhere but my own weakness. But that would not be right, eh? How is it that God's strength can be made perfect in my weakness?

I could be wrong, but it looked as if the same security guard who helped me to my car in June was the one who opened the door for me this evening. I wonder if he, too, thinks I should stop trying to come to that service.

SIGH

More from the first evening lecture:

Furthermore, we read Rom. 3, 22-24: There is no difference; for all have sinned and come short of the glory of God, being justified freely by His grace, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus. Again, Eph. 2, 8.9: By grace are ye saved, through faith, and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not of works, lest any man should boast. Unconditional promises of grace and salvation--that is what we find in the Gospel. Verily, a precious difference! When the Law has laid us low, we can cheerfully raise our heads again because besides the Law we have another doctrine which proposes to us no demands of any kind. Were we to ask Christ, "What is expected of me in order that I may be saved?" He would answer: No works; I have done all the works that had to be done. You need not drink one drop of the cup that I had to drink."

A person entering fully into the meaning of this fact must be moved to leap for very joy that these glad tidings have been brought to him. A person who in spite of this message continues to be despondent and muses: "I am an abominable man; there is no forgiveness for me," does nothing less than reject the Gospel--reject Christ. Though I had committed the grossest sins and had to say with Paul, "I am the chief of sinners"; though I had committed the sin of Judas or the sin of Cain, nevertheless I am able to accept the Gospel because it demands nothing of us. (11)

So, I have a treasure of righteousness balancing against my sin, even sin so humanly great as that of Cain, of that of Judas. Sin is sin is sin. All is covered without my lifting a finger. Even weakness. Even my weakness.

So great is the Love of God. So sweet is the Objective Grace of Christ.

On the way home tonight, I started thinking about grace and mercy. Which would it be if someone gave time he did not really have so that I could have the distance I needed to swallow this day, at least enough to face its reality with the smallest measure of faith?

~~~~
What do you believe about God's timing? Sometimes I wonder if I ascribe too much to Him, but at others I am absolutely certain that I do not give Him enough praise for His work.

Tonight, when I finally made it home, thinking deeply about what Pastor said to me and I to him, I found my new book waiting for me! It was not supposed to arrive for at least another week, being sent by parcel post!

First, it is an old book, so the smell alone is enough to bring about deep sighs of contentment. It also had a small booklet tucked between its pages, Brief Statement of the Doctrinal Position of the Missouri Synod, 1932. While I have spent many an evening plowing through the Missouri Synod's website, I really liked receiving this added bonus to my purchase. Within the pages are some notes by a previous owner, pointing out the differences between Luther and Calvin!

But, while Pastor's words about Preus and his book The Fire and the Staff have given me pause and left me with the belief that I should re-read his book, I can already tell you that I find my new one to be most marvelous. Sit down, get a hold of yourself, but I must admit that, right now, I am as happy as a pig in a warm mud sty!

The Proper Distinction between Law and Gospel is a series of 39 evening lectures for students by the first president (I believe) of Condordia Seminary, Dr. C.F.W. Walther. Not exactly the tomb for me, eh? Ah, but it is! Oh, how I need to understand Objective Grace, and here, in these pages, I will get a proper dose of Gospel balanced with great reverence and respect for the Law. These were informal lectures, full of doctrine, yet laced with earnest passion.

I found the editors note of this 1928 edition (I believe), to be most humorous:

Every one who has ever attempted work of this kind knows that very often compound German clauses have to be recast, and German adverbial connectives at times require a circumlocution in English.

Ah, my kind of guy!

And I eagerly look forward to reading the lecture that accompanies Walther's Thesis IV: The true knowledge of the distinction between the Law and the Gospel is not only a glorious light, affording the correct understanding of the entire Holy Scriptures, but without this knowledge Scripture is and remains a sealed book. [No, I did not immediately skip to page 59!]

However, while I could very well stay up all night reading this book, I shall make every attempt to be patient. [Stop laughing, Bettina, you will hurt yourself with such loud guffaws!] With a herculean effort, I managed to read only the preface and introduction, the 25 Theses, and the first evening lecture. I shall endeavor to read them but one lecture at a time, and even re-visit the first one since I lapped it up like it was one of my beloved Dr. Pepper's--over three months now since I have been able to stomach one of them. SIGH.

Because of the reality of my childhood, my closest friends and true family were books. I read everywhere: at the table, in the bathtub, on the bus--I even kept a book tucked behind my textbooks every opportunity I could! My best teachers were the honest truth of Gene Stratton Porter, the familial love of Louisa Mae Alcott, the second chances of L.M. Montgomery and Kate Douglass Wiggins, and the beautiful intelligence and wit of Jane Austin.

Therefore, you might just guess why even the preface spoke to me. For words alone I could savor it. But the best part was this bit on Gospel:

The Gospel, then, represents a profoundly thoughtful, elaborate, and orderly scheme of God to bring renegade man out of his rebel condition under sin into a state of loyalty to God under the Gospel. The sinner's rescue from his wretched condition by God's Gospel plan consists in this, that the sinner is told not only that God loves him in spite of his sin, but that He so loves the sinner, who is by nature a child of wrath, as to sacrifice His own Son for him and to send the Holy Spirit into his heart to produce in him repentance over his sins and faith in the divine forgiveness of his sins. The love of God for sinners of which the Gospel speaks is not like the easy-going attitude which an indolent and indulgent parent assumes to his libertine son, when he tells him not to bother his mind about his wrong-doing and its consequences, to forget it, and to consider himself still loved by his doting sire. No; the redemptive love of God works in conjunction with the righteousness and holiness of God. These divine attributes which God expounded to man in the Law are not put out of commission by the love of God, but without destroying the sinner, as He has threatened to do, God by His redeeming love finds a way to meet the demands which God's righteousness and holiness make upon man and to execute the lawful punishment which the sinner has incurred by breaking God's Law. God sent His Son, coequal and coessential with Himself, on earth in the form of a human being. Jesus Christ, the Son of God, was made man and placed under the Law that had been issued to man for the purpose of fulfilling it in man's place. Through the sinless life of Christ on earth under every condition and in every relationship which the Law of God determines for man, a treasure of righteousness has been accumulated that balances even with all the demands of the divine Law. This treasure Christ did not collect for Himself; for He was in no need of it, being both the holy and righteous God and a holy and righteous man, who never did the least wrong in thought, word or deed. This treasure was designed by God to be give away to every sinner as his won and to be regarded by God as the sinner's righteousness. In other words, God in His love decreed that the sinner, who has lost the original righteousness in which he had been created and who had spent his life in unrighteousness, should be made righteous by proxy, viz., by the foreign righteousness of the Son of God, who had spend His earthly life under the Law as the sinner's Substitute, in the sinner's place.

Furthermore, the sinless, impeccable Christ, at the end of His sojourn among men, suffered death, which no one has to undergo except sinners; for death is the wages of sin. There is only one explanation of the death of the incarnate Son of God--it is substitute, or vicarious, just like His life under the Law. Jesus died the death which sinners had deserved to die, and by His redeeming love, God purposes to regard the death of His Son as the death which He would have to inflict upon every sinner for breaking His Law.

The Gospel, then, embraces the entire work of Christ on earth, as the evangelical Teacher of men, as their evangelical High Priest, who makes atonement for their iniquities , and as their evangelical Regent, who sets up a new rule in their rebellious hearts by the power of His love. [emphasis mine]


Good stuff, eh? Just one more time...

Through the sinless life of Christ on earth under every condition and in every relationship which the Law of God determines for man, a treasure of righteousness has been accumulated that balances even with all the demands of the divine Law.

I would like to blame my silly female tears of yesterday on fatigue, but I do not think that would be very fair. I did fall asleep around 7:00 PM last night and did not wake until after 11:00 this morning. [It is a good thing that I had already set the DVR to record the NASCAR race!] After letting Kashi out and checking email, I laid back down on the couch for a few moments and and ended up losing another seven hours, essentially sleeping the clock round. At least I can say that I will begin the week rested!

I was catching up on a few of my favorite confessional Lutheran pastor blogs and spotted this on Pastor W's. He posted on Saturday, and, well, it was a lesson I needed then so as to help keep the proper perspective on yesterday, to truly savor the gift and let go of the rest.

If we earnestly believe that we receive the true body and blood of our Savior - true God and man in one person - in Holy Communion, and not mere bread and wine, we shall then approach the Table of the Lord, not thoughtlessly and lightly, but in deepest reverence and humility of heart, saying as did the centurion, "Lord, I am not worthy to have You come under my roof." -- from Brief Instruction for Those Preparing for Holy Communion (Treasury, p. 1467ff)

O Jesus, now that I am to partake of Your holy feast of love, I receive it also in remembrance of You. I remember Your love, how for my sake You came into the world to make me an heir of life everlasting. I remember Your anguish, pain, and wounds by which my sins and punishments have been removed from me and Your righteousness bestowed on me. I remember Your death and Your resurrection by which life and salvation have been imparted to me. I know, O Jesus, that for Your sake I obtain grace, sonship, peace, and heaven’s joy. I shall not be lost if I abide in You, O Jesus, and You abide in me.

O abide, then, in my heart. Dwell in my heart, live and run in it. Let me Yours in time and eternity. Let Your holy body be my food, Your holy blood my drink, and refresh me unto life everlasting. Grant that I may never lose this treasure, but that You, my Jesus, henceforth may live, rule and dwell in me. Israel’s manna had to be gathered in a clean vessel. Oh, that You would then purify my heart by true faith, genuine repentance, love, and humility, so that I may worthily receive this pledge of Your love and constantly keep it for the strengthening of my faith, the sanctification of my life, and the assurance of my salvation. O precious Holy Spirit, preserve me in this grace unto my blessed end. Guard me, lest I again sin wantonly and fall from grace, and my last condition be worse than the first. Until death let me continue in faith in the Triune God, in love toward my neighbor, and in godliness, that I may obtain the end of faith, the salvation of my soul.

Grant that we worthily receive Your supper, Lord, our Savior, And, truly grieving for our sins, May prove by our behavior That we are thankful for Your grace And day by day may run our race, In holiness increasing. LSB 622:7 (A prayer before communing in Starck's Prayer Book)

I am a silly female. Right now, I am battling that very fact.

For days I have looked forward to this one. I have looked forward to it as much as becoming a member of the church as gaining the alter. Certainly you knew that for I kept reminding you!

And I have written many a time about longing to belong somewhere. Foolishly, recklessly, socially inappropriately admitting that.

I have never belonged to a church as a bona fide member. Primarily, this has been because I have eschewed membership based on human convention that seemed more exclusionary than anything else. I never saw anything biblical in it. I always thought the classes were strange, a focus on a church constitution, on words of man, not the Word of God. So, I never joined.

Today, that was to change. It didn't.

Yes, I received the Lord's Supper. And that is the most important part of the day. I do know that. I do. I just also am truly disappointed that nothing else happened.

I was to stand up and agree in confession of Lutheran doctrine. I was to be publicly acknowledged as a member. I was to be prayed for. I was to become a member in a way that I could understand, that made sense, and that is based solely on a mutual confession of doctrine, not some constitution or tithing or serving the church body or anything else I was supposed to do. After all, worship is about what God gives us, not what we give him. Oh, how I was looking forward to belonging to a church family.

That didn't happen.

I do not hope easily. It is too hard. And I have had enough hard things of late. I am heartily tired of feeling poorly, of the constant nausea, of the struggle at work, of the hoops for the surgury, of the hurt of the night of the concert, and of having to watch my hair fall out. Last night, I did throw up again at the sight of the pile of hair on the side of the tub. I did have to stifle my sobs. I did have to battle with despair. But I also stilled my tears at the thought of finally belonging somewhere tomorrow...today.

I feel as if I should have known better; I am always the interloper, always a step behind, always just not someone who fits in.

I was late to church, but I am almost always so. Getting up is hard and painful and a struggle. Today, I was a bit slower for the strain of yesterday. But Pastor had told me the membership part came after the sermon so I was not worried. When I sat down in front of my godfamily, my godmother leaned over and dangled a silver cross on a chain for me. Surprised and touched, I slipped it around my neck, no matter that my grandmother's was already hanging there. Soon, she handed me A and I settled back, holding such comfort, savoring the present, and greatly anticipating what was to come.

I admit, I did not hear part of the sermon because I was very much looking forward to being able to say, This is what I believe. To say, Yes! After all the battles of the teaching over the past few months, I wanted my own Augsburg moment, even if I am still not comfortable in public. The confession was more important.

But it didn't happen.

Pastor moved right on into the preparation for the Lord's Supper. I asked my godmother about it and she said the questions didn't matter. That didn't make sense to me. Pastor had said that I could do them privately, but he preferred publicly. I told him that I wanted the public. I emailed him so. I blogged about it. I told my godparents. I called Pizza Man and his wife V because I knew that they would want to be there. V said her mom was there and she didn't plan on coming to church but she would work something out. When I walked into the building and saw her and J there, I was so happy! This was going to be a memory I had, unlike the baptism.

So, I couldn't understand why he didn't have the membership part.

My godmother told me that I should still go forward. I didn't really think I should, but I did. I admit, my heart was not on the gift I was receiving. All I could think is that I dared hope about something and, yet again, it was not for me.

Afterward, Pastor told me he was not sure I had wanted that. His response just made me sadder. As I said, I told him, emailed him, and blogged--three ways I told him. How could he not know? When I had joked about clearing a space for another certificate, he said that while they didn't have them for church membership, a few years ago someone asked for one so he made one up on the computer. He said he would make one up for me as well. I was looking forward to having that piece of paper.

After the service, V came over to visit me where I was still holding my godmother's baby. She started to ask why Pastor didn't receive me into membership, but she stopped because she saw how upset I already was. She tried to celebrate with me for the more important part, for receiving the gift of Christ's body and blood. Only, all I had was silly female tears for I could not contain my disappointment. The same tears still streaming down my face. I wanted so much to be able to say I now belonged somewhere, that I had a new family.

So much...

Mowed. Fainted. Twice. Frightened.

A friend who believes stress being the cause of my hair falling out is just plain silly has come up with a plan to de-stress my life so that in a month, if my hair is still coming out in clumps, I can stand before the doctor and exude equanimity.

Each day, she texts me my de-stressing prescription. Just the texts alone are enough to make me smile. I have, however, made every attempt to follow them. The photo here being one of those endeavors.

The first ones are below:

• Take a look around outside and find something that will make me laugh out loud.
• Grab some crayons or markers and spend 10 minutes drawing like a child.
• For each letter of my name, write something that is positive about my life.
• Stop and smell some flowers (not the roses in my yard).
• Take my shoes off and skip in the grass like a child.

~~~~
I have been wrestling with what it means to forgive of late. Tonight, I read two apologies by fellow commenters on Four and Twenty+ Blackbirds. Each was sincerely sorry for offending/hurting the other; each begged for forgiveness. Grown men writing such. Grown men writing such in a very public forum. In my opinion, this lesson was as great, if not greater, as the message of the post on which they were commenting.

I read The Fire and the Staff: Lutheran Theology in Practice tonight.

I cannot decide if it was worth the rather large outlay of funds for a paperback book. Klemet Preus is an engaging writer and some of his words were rather illuminating. For example, I believe in just one paragraph, he explains so eloquently in utter simplicity why we baptize infants:

Tom saw that you baptize babies because you believe that Baptism is the work of God. God brings us to faith by Himself--grace alone. But if you only baptize adults, it means that you are waiting for them to take the first step. Grace becomes something we do and indicates that God does not save us by Himself. Instead we are saved by grace plus something else. (110)

I also liked two bits about Absolution:

Absolution is the announcement of an accomplished fact--the forgiveness of Christ earned on the cross and pronounced in the resurrection. But it is more than an announcement. In Absolution, Christ's verdict of justification is bestowed, imparted, conferred, and given truly, personally, intimately, and powerfully. (89)

...Sometimes private absolution is called for. Maybe you have done some specific thing wrong that really plagues your conscience. You want to hear privately that your specific guilt is forgiven. Maybe you feel estranged from God and need to hear a word specifically to you that God accepts and loves you in Christ. Maybe there is no specific sin, but you are simply devastated by all the commands of God that do nothing but condemn and depress you. Maybe you need strength to fight a recurring temptation. Maybe you just need to hear your name in connection with forgiveness. If any of these conditions apply to you, then you need private absolution. Go to your pastor and confess your sins. As for the forgiveness that is found only in the wounds of the Lord and expect your pastor to speak it to you. The Holy Spirit will work through your pastor. His absolution bespeaks you righteous. (90)

However, I will say that I did not find the book as challenging as I would have wished. I thought I would get fed more, instructed more. I thought I would be able to delve into it and be confronted with words that troubled my waters or left me pondering their depths. It is a good book, to be sure. Any book, in my opinion, that teaches me more about the Liturgy is a good book. Still, I am hungry for more.

I read the book because I have so many questions about the Book of Concord that are waiting for answers that I am hesitant to keep studying it until the backlog is eased a bit. Given my lack of success in utilizing Ask the Pastor for that very purpose, I do not have high hopes that this will change anytime soon.

You know how people always ask whom you would speak with if you could go back in time and talk with someone from history? I believe that I can honestly say that, for the first time, I have a genuine and passionate answer to that one. I would most definitely choose Martin Luther, even if it meant choking down disgusting beer in a pub in Wittenberg just to talk with him!

I ordered another book, The Proper Distinction Between Law and Gospel by C.F.W. Walther, upon a recommendation from my godmother. It is an old book, so it was, again, not very economical. I hopefully will have it in a week or two, being out of print and coming from some small bookstore in Somewhere, America.

It was with true sadness that I realized tonight I will no longer have the blessing of a two-bible-study day. The nooner has been switched to Mondays. The switch will actually make it easier for me to slip away from my job for such a rich spiritual meal. However, I believe the days I have had both a nooner and an evening study have been truly beneficial. I shall miss them.

Tonight's study, while illuminating for its content, bothers me somewhat, despite Pastor's assurance otherwise. You see, the evening studies always begin with Ask the Pastor. Now, being the absolute social misfit, I have consistently avoided those times. However, sitting behind my desk today, wondering just how much access I would have to teaching now that I am "done" since Pastor is starting grad school on top of his other duties, I thought it was high time to take advantage of this opportunity instead of fretting about actually having to socialize with my fellow study mates.

So, I arrived just after the hour, Book of Concord in hand. You see, I have a plethora of sticky note questions just waiting for his instruction. And we still have yet to go through Luther's Large Catechism on the Lord's Prayer. I have a whole passel of questions on prayer alone.

I will say, in my admittedly insecure opinion, Pastor did not seem too welcoming of my questions. He never did fetch his bible from the room where we have the bible study and didn't seem much interested in the copy of the Book of Concord the host handed him. Despite this utter lack of encouragement, I plowed ahead. I want my questions answered!

Now, if I were to have him post here, I am quite sure that Pastor would be shouting down my impression with great protestations about how he was merely frustrated because the answers to my questions did not come readily to his lips. In any case, the half hour mark passed and it was time for bible study. Alas, even there we only managed to get through one question.

Yes, I am the reason, by far, that such occurred.

First, there was a translation issue. [Don't you think there is a difference between "every creature" and "everything created"?] Then there was my question about the opening paragraph. Then there was my question about the first question. Now, there was another woman who assumed the questioner role for, perhaps, the second half of the study. Yet I feel as if my questions troubled her waters enough to make her continue to pull us off course.

Pastor assured us all that he would much rather plow through our study at a snail's pace and answer the questions we have on our minds than finish efficiently and leave us hungry. A kind and sound approach, I believe.

Still, I do ponder how differently the bible study, the whole evening in fact, would have gone had I left my questions, and my person, at home.

That's me, hungry for teaching, but ever so quick to feel as if even that is a burden.

SIGH.

I did bring copies of the Prayer for Wednesday from the Treasury of Daily Prayer to ask if we could read it together. We did. Praying it corporately is different than praying it privately...something that I savored. Hearing Pastor read the last part, emphasizing each title, each truth about who God is, well, it was as if a host of angels were speaking with him, adding the depth and richness of His glory to our prayer.

Holy Lord God, holy and mighty God, holy and most merciful Redeemer; God eternal, leave us not to bitter death. Lord, have mercy.

Holy Lord God, holy and mighty God, holy and most merciful Redeemer; God eternal, allow us not to lose hope in the face of death and hell. Lord, have mercy.

Holy Lord God, holy and mighty God, holy and most merciful Redeemer; God eternal, keep us steadfast in the true faith. Lord, have mercy. Amen.

Pastor had another tidbit lesson for me tonight: When scripture says that weeping lasts for a night, but joy comes in the morning, night and morning are poetic devices more so than one particular 24-hour day. It is okay, therefore, for night to last longer than the darkened hours of a day. Night is our dark. But with Christ, as the light of the world, His light can shine even in darkness...ultimately turning that night into morning, a morning filled with the joy that comes with receiving His mercy and resting in His peace.

Were I to go by my feelings, Confession/Absolution did not give me what I had wanted, at least at first. But I am working hard to keep in mind that sermon of Pastor's about how God drives the conversation of our lives. My Lord's conversation with me of late has most assuredly not been the direction I would have taken! Yet I believe it is one I needed very much to hear.

Each time I have spoken the first section of my part of the Confession/Absolution liturgy (the whole liturgy is in my August 6th post), I have struggled or paused at different places:

I have lived as if God did not matter and if I mattered most.
My Lord's name I have not honored as I should; my worship and prayers have faltered.
I have not let his love have its way with me, and so my love for others has failed.
There are those whom I have hurt, and those whom I failed to help.
My thoughts and desires have been soiled with sin.
What troubles me most...

Each time has been as if I were reading it for the first time, for the words that leap up at me and grab hold of my heart are not always the same. Each time, I think, did I read that before?

Tonight, after Pastor left, I sat down to re-read the liturgy and really think about what it means for him to say:

Receive the forgiveness Christ won for you by his Passion, death, and resurrection. By the command of our Lord Jesus Christ, I, a called and ordained servant of the Word, forgive you your sins in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.

Tonight, I keep thinking about the words the forgiveness Christ won for you. I believe it is important the liturgy does not just say the forgiveness Christ gives you. It is not that He does not give it to us, but the won part is key.

Who did He battle against and win? Satan.

Is not our struggle against sin a struggle against satan and all his dominion?

My prayers have faltered since the night of the concert. I have, and continue to struggle, with the outcome of that evening. My tears are still ever at the ready. But reading through the liturgy again and thinking about the fact that I was laughing as Pastor climbed into his car, the first laughter I've had since then, I can see a ray of light, even in the darkness. I can see light because it just occurred to me that even in this Christ has already won. Perhaps satan doesn't it know it yet, and I might not feel it yet, but He has already prevailed.

After forgiveness, we say together:

Sing to the Lord, you saints of his; praise his holy name. for his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes i the morning. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever (Psalm 30: 4-5; 12b)

I admit, I was not singing. I was thinking.

Pastor's instruction really begun before we started and finished afterward, some of which I am trying to understand still. [I promised him a short visit and failed at that, but I do still think a shorter visit is possible!] We did start with my repeated fumbling of discussing intersubjectivity and how I see now it was a Lutheran given, or rather a pre-Lutheran given, that was making the confession question so hard for me. I told him I was ready to say yes if he would ask again.

Sunday, I shall (officially) be a Lutheran! Sunday, I will gain the alter!

Yes, the words of his instruction are heavy on my mind for they speak of the truth of His Word and show, again, how I much I need Christ and how much, sadly, it is easier for me to believe the lie. Yes, the tears are still present. Yet the Truth I heard lingers. The words of the liturgy linger still. The forgiveness Christ won for me! Tonight, I do not want to pray Psalm 6, as I have done every day since the night of the concert. Tonight, I want to pray Psalm 98!

Just listen to this prayer of Christ in this portion of the Living Word:

O sing to the Lord a new song,
For He has done wonderful things,
His right hand and His holy arm gained the victory for Him.
The Lord has made known His salvation;
He has revealed His righteousness in the sight of the nations.
He has remembered His lovingkindness and His faithfulness to the house of Israel;
All the ends of the earth have seen the salvation of our God.
Shout joyfully to the Lord, all the earth;
Break forth and sing for joy and sing praises,
Sing praises to the Lord with the lyre,
With the lyre and the sound of melody,
With trumpets and the sound of the horn
Should joyfully before the King, the Lord.
Let the sear roar and all it contains,
The world and those who dwell in it.
Let the river clap their hands,
Let the mountains sing together for joy
Before the Lord, for He is coming to judge the earth;
He will judge the world with righteousness
And the peoples with equity.