Tuesday, I was the recipient of a tongue lashing from her about how my illness over the summer has been distracting to her and that I have slacked off in my work and she is tired of covering for me. I am to become well and stop hurting the department. I am also to get on board with her organization and help her with her office. This after three days of painting at that point! I do her work and mine and that of the person who left. Yes, I have been ill. Yes, people finally started commenting on my weight loss. The appearance (no pun intended) is that I am not doing my work, a criticism surely fostered by my boss. I am to eat and work and be well.
Today, I had another hypoglycemic episode, though this time I managed not to faint. I could have just downed the juice, but I have learned that if I have the sugar alone, then the same thing will happen later. So, thinking I might have enough time to run to get some protein, I took my trembling self to the car and drove hastily to get something with chicken. I called my godmother so that I had someone to talk with and monitor if I was still alert. While I am still nauseous from the chicken cobb salad, I mitigated the low blood sugar and, hopefully, had enough protein to not repeat the cycle later. My boss was less than pleased (even though she was not there) that my health was a problem today.
Oh, how I wish that I could have someone explain the nuances of this new disease and try and help me figure out what is happening! If I don't eat at all, I am fine. If I try to eat, doing so without throwing up frequently makes me ill later, but I haven't pinpointed why. It seems as if anything other than simple protein is less than positive, but I also know that I really need to be consuming more. SIGH.
Today, this woman from work stopped me to ask if I was feeling well. She said my lips were blue. Usually, I have lipstick on (not that I am attached to it so much as I can still hear my mother's criticism whenever my lips are bare in public). I am not sure why, but they really were slightly blue. I told her I was fine, thinking about my boss' criticism. While we were talking, she reached over to pluck some hair from my shoulder and my arm. Then she awkwardly pointed out the worst spot above my left temple where my scalp is far more visible than I care for it to be. I kept telling her I was fine. Yet...the photo is the hair that has fallen out during my last three showers and brushing it over the past three days. [This pile is sitting upon a paper towel, not a napkin.] Yes, I have thick hair. Had thick hair. My braids now are half as thick as they were less than three weeks ago. I decided to start keeping the piles from the side of the tub so that perhaps the quantity itself would show the doctor that something is most definitely not right!I don't want to be bald! I don't want to lose any more hair! Eight or nine years it will take to grow back! I...I...I...
SIGH.
I have been thinking a lot about Walther's first evening lecture. [See, I have not raced through this book! I do not even believe that is possible, so delightfully rich is his teaching.] Simple, profound truth. The call of the Living Word.
His first lecture sets out the six differences between the doctrines of Law and Gospel and begins examining them:
- These two doctrines differ as regards the manner of their being revealed to man;
- As regards to their contents;
- as regards the promises held out by either doctrine;
- as regards their threatenings;
- as regards the function and the effect of either doctrine;
- as regards the persons to whom either the one or the other doctrine must be preached. (7)
The fourth difference between the Law and Gospel relates to threats. The Gospel contains no threats at all, but only words of consolation. Wherever in Scripture you come across a threat, you may be assured that that passage belongs in the Law. He would indeed be a blessed person who could fully realize this comforting truth. The Holy Spirit produces this knowledge wherever it exists. Without the Holy Ghost this knowledge cannot be attained. Every person remains an unbeliever unless the Holy Spirit works this knowledge in him.
However, we are not to imagine that the Gospel makes men secure because it has no threats to hurl at men. On the contrary, the Gospel removes from believers the desire to sin.
The Law, on the other hand, is nothing but threats. As Abraham send Hagar away into the desert with a loaf of bread and a jug of water, so the Law hands us a piece of bread and then thrusts us into a desert.
Deut. 27, 26 God says through Moses: Cursed be he that confirmeth not all the words of the Law to do them. And all the people shall say, Amen. Indeed, man is invited by the Law to pronounce a curse upon himself. Only a person engulfed by eternal darkness can believe that the Law will give him no trouble.
The Gospel proceeds in an entirely different fashion. Paul says, I Tim. 1, 15: This is a faithful saying and worthy of all acceptation, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am chief. Hence even the foremost among sinners is not made to hear threats, but only the sweetest promise.
Luke 4, 16-21 we have this record: He [Jesus] came to Nazareth, where He had been brought up; and as His custom was, He went into the synagog on the Sabbath-day and stood up for to read. And there was delivered unto Him the book of the prophet Esaias. And when He has opened the book, He found the place where it was written, The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He hath anointed Me to preach the Gospel to the poor; He hath sent Me to heal the broken-hearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised, to preach the acceptable year of the Lord. And He closed the book, and He gave it again to the minister and sat down. And the eyes of all them that were in the synagog were fastened on Him. And He began to say unto them, This day is announced the contents of His doctrine, or of the Gospel. He meant to say: "I am not come to bring a new Law, but to proclaim the Gospel." Happy the man who realizes this fact! May God help us all to attain to this knowledge! (11-12)
So often, when I have heard sermons, I have left more acutely aware of my sin than of the gift that Christ bestows on us. Yes, I am more prone to see the Law. I have been surrounded by Law my whole life, every flaw, every failing, every disappointment has been examined and cataloged by my family to be reviewed again and again and again. I fall into their filleting even without their prompting; it is the habit of my life. I know full well my sin. I know. Yet trying to make myself more faithful, more holy is futile. I didn't need Luther to teach me that. I've been failing at it for years! What I have been doing during that time, doing even now when my eyes and heart are filled with teeming emotions and the reality of circumstances, is denying the completeness of the work of Christ. This, I know, too. How to I reconcile that dissonance in my life? I am given the truth, but I see the lie...
Jump to the effects of the two doctrines. In brief, the Law, the law in telling us what to do but not enabling us to do so, condemns us. The Law shows us our sins and hurls us into despair. And the Law produce contrition, painting the terrors of help, of death, of the wrath of God, but offering absolutely no comfort. Without the Law, we could not understand the Gospel. But without the Gospel, we die. What are the effects of the Gospel? (13-14)
The effects of the Gospel are of an entirely different nature. The consist in this, that, in the first place, the Gospel, when demanding faith, offers and gives us faith in that very demand. When we preach to people: Do believe in the Lord Jesus Chris, God gives them faith through our preaching. We preach faith, and any person not wilfully resisting obtains faith. It is, indeed, not the mere physical sound of the spoken Word that produces this effect, but the contents of the Word.
The second effect of the Gospel is that it does not at all reprove the sinner, but takes all terror, all fear, all anguish, from him and fills him with peace and joy in the Holy Ghost. At the return of the prodigal the father does not with a single word refer to his horrible, abominable conduct. He says nothing, nothing whatever, about it, but falls upon the prodigal's neck, kisses him, and prepares a splendid feast for him. That is a glorious parable exhibiting to us the effect of the Gospel. It removes all unrest and fills us with a blessed, heavenly peace.
In the third place, the Gospel does not require anything good that man must furnish: not a good heart, not a good disposition, no improvement of his condition, no godliness, no love either of God or men. It issues no orders, but it changes man. It plants love into his heart and makes him capable of all good works. It demands nothing, but it gives all. Should not this fact make us leap for joy? (15-16)
Yes! Most assuredly yes!
Why then am I not leaping?
Oh, but how I believe there must be demands! There have been demands my whole life. The demands of my family: To remain silent. To ignore reality. To pretend to fit in. To hide the secrets. To be obedient. To keep up appearances no matter the consequence. To lose weight. To dress nicely. To wear make-up. To be less selfish. To not be myself. To never be myself because of you know how you are. The demands of church: To serve others. To give money. To give time. To shine my light. To shine more brightly. To witness. To convert. To believe(as if I could manufacture this on my own if only I tried harder). To trust more. To increase my faith. To pray often enough. To pray hard enough. To pray long enough. To love others. To be holy.
How can there be no demands!
I can do none of the latter without the Holy Spirit. Yet all of them, done as completely and as perfectly as humanly possible will still gain me nothing, will count as nothing against that treasure of righteousness.
Oh, how I need to hear the Gospel! I want to hear the Gospel. I want to hear it daily, to be reminded of truth over and over and over again, until the power of the content of the Word obliterates the lies that linger in my ears.
I should have listened to the sermon last night. I should have prayed for the courage to listen instead of fleeing. I should have dared. For surely, if I know nothing else, Pastor taught the sweet, sweet Gospel. He would never have left me with only the pain of the assault, with only the hurt and betrayal and despair.
What bits do I savor most from the passages above?
Wherever in Scripture you come across a threat, you may be assured that that passage belongs in the Law. He would indeed be a blessed person who could fully realize this comforting truth.
I can have comfort in the threats being from the Law because that law has been fulfilled! Regarding those threats, regarding the consequences of my sin of breaking the Law day in and day out, Walther offers still more comfort:
At the return of the prodigal the father does not with a single word refer to his horrible, abominable conduct.
Not a single word? I can barely fathom such forgiveness. Oh, the words...the many, many words that have been spoken against my conduct. I hear them. I remember them. I even find myself repeating them to myself.
He says nothing, nothing whatever, about it, but falls upon the prodigal's neck, kisses him, and prepares a splendid feast for him.
This is the love He gives me. This is the love that I should embrace...not the other. I should have listened last night...
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