I am a silly female. Right now, I am battling that very fact.

For days I have looked forward to this one. I have looked forward to it as much as becoming a member of the church as gaining the alter. Certainly you knew that for I kept reminding you!

And I have written many a time about longing to belong somewhere. Foolishly, recklessly, socially inappropriately admitting that.

I have never belonged to a church as a bona fide member. Primarily, this has been because I have eschewed membership based on human convention that seemed more exclusionary than anything else. I never saw anything biblical in it. I always thought the classes were strange, a focus on a church constitution, on words of man, not the Word of God. So, I never joined.

Today, that was to change. It didn't.

Yes, I received the Lord's Supper. And that is the most important part of the day. I do know that. I do. I just also am truly disappointed that nothing else happened.

I was to stand up and agree in confession of Lutheran doctrine. I was to be publicly acknowledged as a member. I was to be prayed for. I was to become a member in a way that I could understand, that made sense, and that is based solely on a mutual confession of doctrine, not some constitution or tithing or serving the church body or anything else I was supposed to do. After all, worship is about what God gives us, not what we give him. Oh, how I was looking forward to belonging to a church family.

That didn't happen.

I do not hope easily. It is too hard. And I have had enough hard things of late. I am heartily tired of feeling poorly, of the constant nausea, of the struggle at work, of the hoops for the surgury, of the hurt of the night of the concert, and of having to watch my hair fall out. Last night, I did throw up again at the sight of the pile of hair on the side of the tub. I did have to stifle my sobs. I did have to battle with despair. But I also stilled my tears at the thought of finally belonging somewhere tomorrow...today.

I feel as if I should have known better; I am always the interloper, always a step behind, always just not someone who fits in.

I was late to church, but I am almost always so. Getting up is hard and painful and a struggle. Today, I was a bit slower for the strain of yesterday. But Pastor had told me the membership part came after the sermon so I was not worried. When I sat down in front of my godfamily, my godmother leaned over and dangled a silver cross on a chain for me. Surprised and touched, I slipped it around my neck, no matter that my grandmother's was already hanging there. Soon, she handed me A and I settled back, holding such comfort, savoring the present, and greatly anticipating what was to come.

I admit, I did not hear part of the sermon because I was very much looking forward to being able to say, This is what I believe. To say, Yes! After all the battles of the teaching over the past few months, I wanted my own Augsburg moment, even if I am still not comfortable in public. The confession was more important.

But it didn't happen.

Pastor moved right on into the preparation for the Lord's Supper. I asked my godmother about it and she said the questions didn't matter. That didn't make sense to me. Pastor had said that I could do them privately, but he preferred publicly. I told him that I wanted the public. I emailed him so. I blogged about it. I told my godparents. I called Pizza Man and his wife V because I knew that they would want to be there. V said her mom was there and she didn't plan on coming to church but she would work something out. When I walked into the building and saw her and J there, I was so happy! This was going to be a memory I had, unlike the baptism.

So, I couldn't understand why he didn't have the membership part.

My godmother told me that I should still go forward. I didn't really think I should, but I did. I admit, my heart was not on the gift I was receiving. All I could think is that I dared hope about something and, yet again, it was not for me.

Afterward, Pastor told me he was not sure I had wanted that. His response just made me sadder. As I said, I told him, emailed him, and blogged--three ways I told him. How could he not know? When I had joked about clearing a space for another certificate, he said that while they didn't have them for church membership, a few years ago someone asked for one so he made one up on the computer. He said he would make one up for me as well. I was looking forward to having that piece of paper.

After the service, V came over to visit me where I was still holding my godmother's baby. She started to ask why Pastor didn't receive me into membership, but she stopped because she saw how upset I already was. She tried to celebrate with me for the more important part, for receiving the gift of Christ's body and blood. Only, all I had was silly female tears for I could not contain my disappointment. The same tears still streaming down my face. I wanted so much to be able to say I now belonged somewhere, that I had a new family.

So much...