Pastor had another tidbit lesson for me tonight: When scripture says that weeping lasts for a night, but joy comes in the morning, night and morning are poetic devices more so than one particular 24-hour day. It is okay, therefore, for night to last longer than the darkened hours of a day. Night is our dark. But with Christ, as the light of the world, His light can shine even in darkness...ultimately turning that night into morning, a morning filled with the joy that comes with receiving His mercy and resting in His peace.

Were I to go by my feelings, Confession/Absolution did not give me what I had wanted, at least at first. But I am working hard to keep in mind that sermon of Pastor's about how God drives the conversation of our lives. My Lord's conversation with me of late has most assuredly not been the direction I would have taken! Yet I believe it is one I needed very much to hear.

Each time I have spoken the first section of my part of the Confession/Absolution liturgy (the whole liturgy is in my August 6th post), I have struggled or paused at different places:

I have lived as if God did not matter and if I mattered most.
My Lord's name I have not honored as I should; my worship and prayers have faltered.
I have not let his love have its way with me, and so my love for others has failed.
There are those whom I have hurt, and those whom I failed to help.
My thoughts and desires have been soiled with sin.
What troubles me most...

Each time has been as if I were reading it for the first time, for the words that leap up at me and grab hold of my heart are not always the same. Each time, I think, did I read that before?

Tonight, after Pastor left, I sat down to re-read the liturgy and really think about what it means for him to say:

Receive the forgiveness Christ won for you by his Passion, death, and resurrection. By the command of our Lord Jesus Christ, I, a called and ordained servant of the Word, forgive you your sins in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.

Tonight, I keep thinking about the words the forgiveness Christ won for you. I believe it is important the liturgy does not just say the forgiveness Christ gives you. It is not that He does not give it to us, but the won part is key.

Who did He battle against and win? Satan.

Is not our struggle against sin a struggle against satan and all his dominion?

My prayers have faltered since the night of the concert. I have, and continue to struggle, with the outcome of that evening. My tears are still ever at the ready. But reading through the liturgy again and thinking about the fact that I was laughing as Pastor climbed into his car, the first laughter I've had since then, I can see a ray of light, even in the darkness. I can see light because it just occurred to me that even in this Christ has already won. Perhaps satan doesn't it know it yet, and I might not feel it yet, but He has already prevailed.

After forgiveness, we say together:

Sing to the Lord, you saints of his; praise his holy name. for his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes i the morning. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever (Psalm 30: 4-5; 12b)

I admit, I was not singing. I was thinking.

Pastor's instruction really begun before we started and finished afterward, some of which I am trying to understand still. [I promised him a short visit and failed at that, but I do still think a shorter visit is possible!] We did start with my repeated fumbling of discussing intersubjectivity and how I see now it was a Lutheran given, or rather a pre-Lutheran given, that was making the confession question so hard for me. I told him I was ready to say yes if he would ask again.

Sunday, I shall (officially) be a Lutheran! Sunday, I will gain the alter!

Yes, the words of his instruction are heavy on my mind for they speak of the truth of His Word and show, again, how I much I need Christ and how much, sadly, it is easier for me to believe the lie. Yes, the tears are still present. Yet the Truth I heard lingers. The words of the liturgy linger still. The forgiveness Christ won for me! Tonight, I do not want to pray Psalm 6, as I have done every day since the night of the concert. Tonight, I want to pray Psalm 98!

Just listen to this prayer of Christ in this portion of the Living Word:

O sing to the Lord a new song,
For He has done wonderful things,
His right hand and His holy arm gained the victory for Him.
The Lord has made known His salvation;
He has revealed His righteousness in the sight of the nations.
He has remembered His lovingkindness and His faithfulness to the house of Israel;
All the ends of the earth have seen the salvation of our God.
Shout joyfully to the Lord, all the earth;
Break forth and sing for joy and sing praises,
Sing praises to the Lord with the lyre,
With the lyre and the sound of melody,
With trumpets and the sound of the horn
Should joyfully before the King, the Lord.
Let the sear roar and all it contains,
The world and those who dwell in it.
Let the river clap their hands,
Let the mountains sing together for joy
Before the Lord, for He is coming to judge the earth;
He will judge the world with righteousness
And the peoples with equity.