Thursday was our anniversary and grand opening celebration, which went well save for the sweltering heat that brought me dangerously weak until I hid out in an apartment where I set the air-conditioning to 65 degrees for a while. I pulled the miracle from my back pocket and finished the program handed off to me the morning of the event. Finished, printed, and delivered. To my knowledge, we've gotten four press hits from my PR about our celebration and we've received many compliments on the coordinating designs for the collateral for the event, so I feel as if my work was a job well done.
The day after events are always difficult for me. The strain of working a long day makes the day after arduous. The fact that I have to spend time unpacking event boxes, putting everything back in its place, updating the website and press archive, and catching up on all the things that were set aside in favor of the event makes the day tedious. Arduous and tedious are poor companions.
Then, today, I committed to helping out at the church site at a community tag sale. There is so little that I have done for the church and the folks there that I wanted to do this. The money goes to help others, so it is basically a labor of love. It is just that the day started at 5 AM and when I arrived at the president's house just under an hour later with my friend DB whom I had strong-armed to help me, he was not expecting me. A very awkward situation and precisely what makes me feel the interloper. I know...I shouldn't. But I do.
My, the weather turned from sweltering on Thursday to miserably cold for those without jackets today. After shivering for a few hours, the president found a coat in the clothes for sale that I "modeled" until it sold. Then I was given a second one to model. The sales were brisk and the third round of help slated to come were rather late, so it was good that I had said I would stay the day. I enjoy talking with those
I must confess that while unpacking things for the tables, a few items went right back into the box to come home to my house. My friend DS is having to start her life over again for the second time in two years, so I found a few things that would help her. And...well...I broke my basket diet. However, I bought one for $2 that is bigger than the one by the couch that currently holds my bibles, the Treasury of Daily Prayer, the Book of Concord, and various and sundry Lutheran books. The old basket was just too small; this one has room to grow by at least one more book...perhaps the Lutheran Study Bible!
Talking with the folks who stopped by gave me pause.
When I was at our event, I ran into a woman I had not seen in over three months. Needless to say, she was stunned at the change in me, at my weight loss. She also noticed my trembling limbs and pulled me to the side. A few adroit questions and I caught her up on the things she knows. She spotted the bare patches growing at my temples before I mentioned my hair. She saw the strain on my face and asked if I had a headache. I have had them near constantly for the past couple of weeks or so. Nausea. Hair loss. Fatigue. Headaches. Blurred vision. Each and every day those things. Those are constants. Asthma, arthritis, MS, and the blood sugar issues are their companions. Her response both bolstered and saddened me: You have too much to deal with right now. I cannot begin to understand how you are still standing. She doesn't know it all. If she did, if she knew what happened the night of the concert, I think she would weep for me...and then tell me to quit working and concentrate on getting better.
How do I do that? I need the health insurance and have a mortgage. Yes, I haven't eaten since Wednesday because I didn't have the energy to do the event and the clean-up and today's labor while also battling the nausea necessary to keep down what I consume. Eating is not always a good thing because my blood sugar drops after food. Three days without food and it is fine. I am trying to be persistent with the doctors, but even that seems an uphill battle.
Yes, I have had several late nights because of things on my mind, but I cannot still my thoughts. I have tried. I have been confused for the past few days. I was hurt on Friday. I was angry this morning. Angry and hurt again. I am tired. I am worried. And I am frightened. I am not sure if the pain of the headaches bothers me more or the fact that I am having them every day. A new symptom. Another concern.
Those late nights have also been because someone needs me. She needs someone and believes that I am that person. I do know that a measure of wisdom for her has been given me, so perhaps it is me who she needs, if only to speak the Truth to her.
She finds me rather generous and caring. I feel rather selfish. Selfish. A label my family has draped upon my shoulders my entire life. Perhaps I do not understand the meaning of that word. Still, I field her calls, even if it is the 10th one that day because she needs to talk. I repeat the same words to her again and again and again because she needs me to remember for her, to distinguish for her what is truth and what is lie when her emotions flare. I am honest to the point of painfulness so that she can hear what is real about the matter and can shed the lessons of her past. I let her know that I am thinking about her. I remind her of the steps forward she has taken even when she has slipped backward once again. I listen to her cry so that she does not cry alone. I ask her how she is doing. I ask her how she feels about the dark things in her life. There is no social contract between us. None at all.
She needs these things and so I do them. I do them because she asked for forgiveness and then asked for help. She needs these things and so I do them. Yet I do them wishing for the same. Is that not the epitome of being selfish?
There was this one lady who came by three times today, talking all the while, as socially awkward as I feel. Boy did she violate the social contract! She remembered the church folk from last year, talked all about the jeans she bought, spoke of her boyfriend, her work, her life, her morning, her plans for tomorrow, next week, next month. She was lonely. I know how she feels. I prayed for her after she left the first time and while she was there the other times.
Some were in true need. Some just wanted the bargain. Most were shivering in the cold! Watching them, talking with them, shivering myself, I wondered about their stories. I wondered if they lived beneath the cross or if they had no hope, no forgiveness.
This will probably seem like a disconnect for the above, but below is the the beginning to the introduction to Walther's fifth evening lecture, for I have been thinking deeply about this:
It is a glorious and marvelous arrangement, passing comprehension, that God governs the kingdoms of this world, not by immediate action, but through the agency of men who--not to mention other things--are far too short-sighted and far too feeble for this task. But it is marvelous beyond comparison with this arrangement that even in His Kingdom of Grace, God performs the planting, administering, extending, and preserving of His kingdom, not in an immediate manner, but through men who are altogether unfit for this task. This is proof of a loving-kindness and condescension to men on the part of God and, besides, of a wisdom of His that no intellect of men can encompass or sound to its depth. For who can measure the greatness of God's love which is revealed in the fact that God desires not only to save this world of apostate men, but also to employ men from this very world, fellow-sinners, who knows how to accomplish the work of saving men by the agency of other men who are quite unfit and unqualified for this work, and that He had hitherto gloriously pursued, and still is pursing this work? (36)
Another way to say that God's power is made great in our weakness...
I will conclude by going backward once more. From the third evening lecture:
Luther proceeds: "The Law cannot restore the soul, for it is a word that makes demands upon us and commands us to love God with our whole heart, etc., and our neighbor as ourselves. The Law condemns every person who fails to do this and pronounces this sentence upon him: Cursed is every one that doeth not all that is written in the book of Law. Now, it is certain that no man on earth is doing this. Therefore, in due time the Law approaches the sinner, filling his soul with sadness and fear. If no respite is provided from its smiting, it continues its onslaught forcing the sinner into despair and eternal damnation. Therefore St. Paul says: By the law is only the knowledge of sin. Again, 'The Law worketh nothing but wrath.' The Gospel, however, is a blessed word; it makes no demands upon us, but only proclaims good tidings to us, namely, that God has given His only Son, for us poor sinners to be our Shepherd, to see us famish and scattered sheep, to give His life for our redemption from sin, everlasting death, and the power of the devil." (26)
Can you figure out which bit from that passage that I needed to hear these past few days, a gentle, persistent reminder, an absolute to wield against the dark trials and travails?
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