The headache I have had for the past three weeks has flared into something unrecognizable. Nine times I vomited from the pain. I think I would still save for the fact that there is nothing to heave, nor has there been this whole day.
I have spent more time clutching my head and the back of my neck than anything else.
Kashi is, well, having an aging problem that frightens me. I am planning for him to be around at least until his 15th birthday. Yes, I am greedy. Yet, in just five days, his sudden onset of symptoms have given even his vet pause. Sometimes he is ever the puppy. Sometimes he cannot walk or control his bodily functions. It is all about quality of life. Funny how I feel the same with me!
Such pain I have...
My plans...they are but dust...how good and salutary it is that I am not the potter, nor I the vine dresser.
Tonight I had confession/absolution again. Too late for Pastor. Too long as well. Somehow that needs to get better. However, even having barely managed to get through my work while trying to ignore my headache, I would have driven anywhere at anytime for teaching and, more importantly, forgiveness. In some ways, even though it was hard to concentrate because of the pain, I believe I heard more this evening than I have in all the past four months. Yes, the better word might be "understand," but perhaps not.
I confess I have not moved past Kleinig's preface of Grace Upon Grace. This time, this new bit, I have embraced for I feel not the crazy one. Not only am I not alone, but I am doing something right, not wrong! All this reading aloud to myself is actually what I should be doing, is actually benefitial.
SIGH. I know...you're probably laughing.
I am, even though my head aches so much that I am not sure I shall sleep a wink tonight. I am because God is laughing with me. I am because Pastor would be hard pressed to keep his gleeful grin from his face. But before I share just why God is laughing, I would like to share this wonderful bit on the "external" Word.
When Luther speaks about "the external Word," he implicitly criticizes two other kinds of meditation that bypass the incarnation of our Lord and His physical interaction with us through the Word. On the one hand, Luther is critical of the method of meditation that he learned as a monk. This method used the Scriptures as a kind of spiritual springboard for the prayer of the heart and mental reflection on heavenly realities. On the other hand, Luther is equally critical of the practice of meditation on the inner word of the Holy Spirit, spoke as a prophecy in the hearts of Spirit-filled people. Luther instead advocates medication on "the external Word," which is the embodied Word of Christ, spoke from human lips, written with human hands, and heard with human ears. Like the light of the sun, the Word is present, addressed to us by a pastor, written in a book, enacted in the Divine Service. [Another joyous reason to embrace Liturgy!] Because the focus of meditation is on the external Word, it basically involves spiritual extroversion rather than spiritual introversion. [Another blow toward works theology!] Meditation is indeed a matter of the heart, but not only of the heart. The way to the heart is from the outside to the inside, from the mouth through the ears into the heart. In mediation we inwardly hear what is spoken to us outwardly.
This understanding of God's Word as the physical means by which He gives the Holy Spirit led to two profound changes in the practice of meditation for Luther. First, whereas as a monk he was taught to regard mediation as a mental act, a state of being marked by inward, silent reflection, he realized that Christian meditation was primarily an oral, verbal activity. [Are you praying the Psalms aloud yet?] When we meditate, we speak God's words to ourselves, and we listen attentively to them with our whole heart, "so that [we] may see what the Holy Spirit means by them." In this Luther was influenced by his study of the Psalms in Hebrew. He discovered that all the Hebrew words for the practice of meditation referred to various forms of vocalization and sub-vocalization, ranging from speaking to murmuring, chattering to musing, singing to humming, muttering to groaning. So when we meditate, we hear God's Word as it is spoken personally to us. We concentrate on the Word and attend to it; we speak it to ourselves again and again; we read and reread it; we compare it what it says in one place with what is said about it elsewhere in the Bible; we chew at it in order to digest it; we rub at it, like a herb that releases its fragrance and healing powers by being crushed; we take it in physically, mentally, and emotionally, so that it reaches our hearts, our core, the very center of our being. We receive what God says and gives to us in His Word.
Second in his teaching on meditation, Luther connects our personal devotions with our involvement in public worship. He says, "Thus you see in this same Psalm [119] how David constantly boasts that he will talk, meditate, speak, sing, hear, and read, by day and night and always, about nothing except God's Word and commandments. For God will not give you his Spirit without the external Word; so take your cue from that. His command to write, preach, read, hear, sing, speak, etc., outwardly was not given in vain." (19-20) [Even Luther would want you to sing to me, Pastor. And to Pizza Man!]
I would hope that you might consider reading the bible aloud, if not embark on the journey of praying the Psalter.
So, Myrtle, why the laughter?
Well, the joy of hearing God's Word of forgiveness is enough, but our Lord fills our cups to overflowing... The reason for my joy: I was blessed with another Pizza Man lecture tonight!
He called me when I was in the ER struggling to breathe, so I could not really answer him. Having been hiding of late, I did immediately try to call him back, not until last night. No answer and no voice mail on my part. How could I chat with him feeling so bad? This I thought before my head decided to explode! Not wanting to be rude since he made the effort, I had tried again today. He and his wife have been most kind. Ignoring a call from anyone is rude, a poor exchange for such benignity. Yet still I was most reluctant to hear just why it was that I should have been there at bible study on Monday instead of hiding once again.
When we were leaving the church, Pastor stopped me to ask if he could say one more thing, something I would not like to hear. [Do you have a pastor who will always speak the truth to you even if it might hurt? If not, find one!] Fire away, I told him. While I am not sure that I agree with his words, believing he missed the object of my expectations, it still gave me pause. I am a wretched, wretched person. Not for what he said, not for how I felt. I just am. I am and I am forgiven.
Still clutching my head, I climbed into my car for the drive home. Yet before I traveled very far, I was blessed by the persistence of Pizza Man. Before I knew it, I found myself in a conversation that I still reflect upon in a bit of disbelief, but that I savor nonetheless.
This time, the pearl of our conversation was a two-fold lecture: a) perhaps I have been so weak these past few months because I otherwise could not have see the great work Christ is doing nor deepened my understanding of my own sin and my need for forgiveness and b) perhaps the reason God gave me a better-than-average, "sponge brain" [I LOVE the new adjective!] is because I needed it so that I might more fully understand God's Word and the Book of Concord and Walther and Kleinig so that I might better endure the challenges of my life.
He didn't know how much I sorrow over losing my brain cells to MS when I have never really lived up to the potential of the intelligence God gave me, when I never really garnered true professional success, nor used His gift in such a way to further His kingdom. He didn't know, but God did! My did this fit beautifully with Pastor's iceberg teaching this evening. He didn't know, but God did!
Not that I am saying that Pizza Man is exactly right or even in the ballpark [That metaphor is for you Bettina. Gulp...ahem...Go Phillies!], for only God really knows the whys and wherefores of this life. Nor am I claiming the right to even know. What I marvel at, what I cherish, is the loving chastisement, the gentle chiding to consider the good of even clutching my head all day. Our Lord and Saviour is greater than all, is in control of all, and is at work in all.
Much, much of what Pastor spoke to me tonight is precious to me, but perhaps what I hold dear the most this evening is his lesson on praise. [Get ready for me to bungle this.] Praising God is not just telling Him how great He is in prayer (beware of flattery). Praising God is also telling others of His nature, work, plan, mercy, grace, love, etc. (see Luther's teaching on the Second Commandment)...or even blogging about His Truth. Praying the Psalms, the 10th round through that feels more as if I have only just begun, I find the psalmists' words of praise at once consoling and convicting.
I have lived as if God did not matter and as if I mattered most...Let us begin in the name of God, to whom all all hearts are open and from whom no secrets are hid...receive the forgiveness Christ won for you...for I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me...By the command of our Lord Jesus Christ I, a called and ordained servant of the Word, forgive you...
The greatest mercy God showed to me today aside from blessed, sweet forgiveness? Pizza Man's solid declaration: I am as filthy as you.
The icing on the cake? Pastor W answered a question about Cyprian and penance (Treasure of Daily Prayer reading for September 17th) for me that will probably keep me scratching my head for at least a week (something with which I can distract myself from my headache). Do you think it would be cheating if I asked Pastor to translate it for me?
[We will NOT discuss the fact that while talking to Pizza Man I left my keys in the car and ended up draining the battery.]
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