Oh, my goodness, can you imagine growing up with Lutheran hymnody?  Check out these wee little Lutherans singing such a beautiful paean to God!  I found the link on Pastor W's blog and then promptly watched the other videos these young ones made.

~~~~
Pastor came for parking-lot-confession again today.  Again I talked too long for him to leave me with a hymn, so no returning to work with secret hymn joy.  And, well, there was really hardly any "admonition and comfort from the Holy Scriptures for the despairing and anguished soul."  In truth, I sat in the back seat instead of the front because I find it difficult to understand how it is okay to return to God again and again and again asking forgiveness for the same sin.  I didn't want to see a deep sigh on Pastor's face.  Again, she's bringing up that?  Not that he would, really, but....  To give him credit, Pastor said not a word about my choice of seat and only twisted around when it was time for absolution.  He did sing for me the Agnus Dei.  I read aloud Psalm 91 to prepare...a psalm of trust for one who struggles mightily to understand what trust is in her life....

As much as I cried in the car...and I did cry...I must say that I spent the afternoon basking in the wonder of God's forgiveness.  I left his car wishing he had more words for me.  But the words he spoke at the last soaked in, took hold, and were enough.

Truly I believe it was this parking-lot grace that carried me through a particularly rough moment this afternoon.


We held a winter clothing drive for children and ended up with 32 bags of coats and clothing for adults.  So, I called a local church that runs a thermal shelter and asked if they would like the clothing.  After three abortive appointments, today they came and fetch everything.  So glad was the coordinator that she abruptly hugged me.  Then, before I could do anything, she directed the two men with her to hug me too.  They did. One kissed me.  I know this should be just a moment in time, a moment of thankfulness and joy in knowing they would be able to help those who come to them in need. This I know.  However, the night of the concert is never far from my mind.  I was terrified.  The man who kissed me was rough-shaven.  I still feel his whiskers on my face and his hands gripping my arms as he pulled me close.  Again.  He meant no harm.  He couldn't know.  He couldn't know what he was doing to me.

~~~~
Walther or Kleinig?  Never before have I read two books at a time, never before have I been so torn in study.  Lutheran doctrine or Lutheran spirituality?

SIGH

Walther

The Eighth Evening lecture begins  Thesis IV:  The true knowledge of the distinction between the Law and teh Gospel is not only a glorious light, affording the correct understanding of the entire Holy Scriptures, but without this knowledge Scripture is and remains a sealed book.

In the intro section, he quotes a bit of Luther's exposition of Psalm 37:

There is not a plainer book on earth than the Holy Scriptures.  It is, in comparison with all other books, what the sun is compared with all other luminaries.  The papists are giving us their twaddle about Scriptures for the sole purpose of leading us away from the Scriptures and raising up themselves as masters over us in order to force us to believe their preaching of dreams.  It is an abomination, a disgraceful defamation of Holy Write and the entire Christian Church, to say that the Holy Scriptures are obscure, that they are not clear enough to be understood by everybody and to enable everybody to teach and prove what he believes. (59)

We do not exactly have the papists setting themselves up as authority these days, but it struck me that so many people say that the bible is hard for them to read, all of it or some of it.  Someone I really respect finds the Psalter near unreadable and not for her.  The prayers of the Living Word are not for her!  Somehow she and others learn that the bible is not really theirs; it is the theologians' and pastors'.  Really, it is only theirs through Christian pop culture books that cloud the Gospel and purport to have the steps that will lead to a godly life and bible studies that are focuses more on works--things that you should be doing--than revealing all that God is doing, longs to do, for you and the bald, blunt, unvarnished truth that there is absolutely positively nothing that we can do nor God desires us to do with regard to salvation and holiness.  Both are His work alone.

Though I have written it a dozen times already, this is what truly amazes me about Lutheran doctrine.  The whole of it, the breadth and depth of it, is contained in a single book...a single, very accessible book.

Luther's use of "twaddle" reminded me of his preface to the Large Catechism.  Such passion had he for bringing the pure teaching of the Living Word into the hearts of every man.  He was not merely raging against the false teaching, the works based doctrine that had permeated the pulpits; he was raging against the fact that so many men, women, and children were being denied what they needed for eternal life.

In a sense, he wanted to make it possible for people to learn the truth, to be taught properly, no matter what "swine" or "glutton" is in the pulpit.  As pastor pointed out, Romans tells us that we need pastors to teach, to illuminate the bible for us.  But if the man standing before you on Sundays errs in his teaching, still you would have access to what you need to know, to understand.  Salvation will not come apart from the Holy Spirit--it will be that closed book--but for those clothed in Christ the bible is wide open...not something reserved for scholars.

Come to think of it...the bible is the only "for me" that I have never doubted!

There is good stuff in this lecture.  Good stuff.  Of course, I am biased for anything that extols the riches, the wonder of the Living Word.  However, I shall not dump the entire lecture in your laps this evening.  Two bits I shall share:

Turning the leaves of the Holy Scriptures while still ignorant of the distinction between the Law and Gospel, a person receives the impression that a great  number of contradictions are contained in the Scriptures; in fact, the entire Scriptures seem to be made up of contradictions, worse than the Koran of the Turks.  Now the Scriptures pronounce one blessed, now they condemn him.  When the rich youth asked the Lord:  "What good thing shall I do that I may have eternal life?"  The Lord replied:  "If thou wilt enter into life, keep the commandments."  When the jailer at Philippi addressed the identical question to Paul and Silas, he received this answer:  "Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved and thy house/"  ON the one hand, we read in Habakkuk 2, 4: The just shall live by his faith"; on the other hand, we note that John in his First Epistle, chapter 3,7, says:  "He that doeth righteousness is righteous."  Over and against this the Apostle Paul declares:  "All have sinned and come short of the glory of God, being justified freely by His grace, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus."  On the one hand, we note that Scripture declares that God had no pleasure in sinners; on the other hand, we find that it states:  "Whoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved."  In one place Paul cries:  "The wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men,"  and Psalm 5, 4 we read: "Thou are not a God that hath pleasure in wickedness; neither shall evil dwell with Thee"; in another place we hear Peter saying: "Hope to the end for the grace that is to be brought unto you."  One the one hand, we are told that all the world is we are told that all the world is under the wrath of god; on the other hand, we read:  "God so loved the world that He gave His only-begotton Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life."  Another remarkable passage is I Corinthians 6, 9-11, where the apostle first makes this statement:  "Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners shall inherit the kingdom of God," and then adds:  "And such were some of you.  But ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of God."  Must not a person who knows nothing of the distinction between the Law and Gospel be swallowed up in utter darkness when reading all this?  Must he not indignantly cry out:  "What?  That  is to be God's Word?  A book full of contradictions?"

For the situation is not this, that the Old Testament reveals a wrathful, the New Testament a gracious God, or that the Old Testament teaches salvation by a person's own works, the New Testament, by faith.  No; we find both teachings in the Old as well as in the New Testament.  But the moment we learn to know the distinction between Law and Gospel, it is as if the sun were rising upon the Scriptures, and we behold all the contents of the Scriptures in the most beautiful harmony.  We see that the Law was not revealed to us to put the notion into our heads that we can become righteous by it, but to teach us that we are utterly unable to fulfill the Law.  We we have learned this, we shall know what a sweet message, what a glorious doctrine, the Gospel is and shall receive it with exuberant joy. (61-62)

I really enjoyed the long, long passage showing seemingly one "contradiction" after another, drawing you in more and more. Yes, it does say that.  But then this, too!  Yet Walther points out that this is not so!  I love the harmony, the balance, the blending of Old and New Testament.  There is no Old for them and New for us.  God is revealed throughout.  Jesus permeates all the pages, not just the red-letter ones!  His words are the Word.  It is why it is Living, why when Pastor read Psalm 28 to me, my first thought was how wonderful it was, how perfect it was for me, how I had not heard that one before even though I have prayed the Psalter through over a dozen times since July.  It is why Psalm 91 had different meaning for me today in the back seat of Pastor's car.  His Word is fresh and new each moment, each day for every single person on earth...all those who have been, all those who are, and all those who will be--no one excepted!

What I also enjoyed (for the fellowship) and the wonder (how could this be so)...was the next bit:

Remember the agonies of our dear Luther!  Considering the darkness which reigned in his day, we must say that, compared with others he had acquired a great deal of knowledge at the beginning of his career, but he did not know how to distinguish the Law from the Gospel.  Oh,the toil and torments he had to undergo!  His self-castigation and fasting brought him to the point of death.  The most crushing, most appalling statement in his estimation at the time was this, that the righteousness which is valid in the sight of God is revealed in the Gospel.  "Alas!" he mused, "what a woeful state of affairs!  First we are approached by the Law, which demands of us that we fulfill it; and now, in addition, we are to be made righteous by obeying the Gospel!"  Luther confesses that there were times in his life when he was harassed with blasphemous thoughts.  Suddenly a new light shone upon him, showing him of what kind of righteousness the Gospel is speaking.  He relates from that moment he began to run through the whole Scriptures in an endeavor to obtain a clear understanding as to which portion of the Scriptures are Law and which Gospel.  He says that he pried into every book in the Bible, and now all its parts became clear to him.  The birth of the Reformer dates from the moment when Luther understood this distinction.  The tremendous success of his public activity, moreover, is due to the same cause.  By his new knowledge Luther liberated the poor people from the misery into which they had been driven by the Law-preaching of their priests.  (62-63)

Sometimes Pastor remarks that I have a lot in common with Luther.  I inwardly scoff at such a thought.  I do believe that Luther was intimately acquainted with despair and anguish, for such compassion he holds for the struggling Christian could only come from one who shared the experience.  But how in the world could Pastor equate one mote of my heart with such a learned, devout man as Luther?

In reading this, I did, perhaps, note a similarity or two.  Perhaps Pastor is not quite so far off as I imagine him to be!

Would that the Holy Spirit teach me more of this proper distinction between Law and Gospel  Would that the expansive schism between my Protestant mind and my Lutheran soul be crossed so that I, too, can  read all of the Living Word, not merely parts, with the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ as easily as does Pastor.  Would that I understand, without fear and trepidation, what it truly means to be forgiven, to fall beneath the grace of the Cross and the mercy of the Son of God who chose, without reservation and without hesitation, to endure its agony, to endure its shame, for me.  Would that I would know the joy of the fellowship of suffering, the marvel of the mystery of being clothed with Christ, and the wonder of the Creator of the Universe telling me, "I have chosen you and not rejected you.... I have called you by name; you are Mine."

Would that I could escape the fear and shame that lingers from this afternoon....

I am so stinking tired.

Would that I had a button somewhere about my head that I could use to switch off my brain.

A day made longer by three separate problems with the newsletter design file and one dropped ball with a reporter.  SIGH.

~~~~
I spent the evening with Kleinig again, racing ahead, wanting to get to page 151 and the mysteries of prayer, then turning back.  Again and again and again...reception.  What does that really mean?

I am a beggar.  This I can understand because I know my sin.  And I flee from works.  I embrace wholeheartedly the idea that my own works will gain me nothing because they have!  However, I keep putting myself in the mindset that I have done something or have not done something.  Alas, works permeates my very being!  I read scripture from works; Pastor from reception.  What he sees and that which I do often are separated by a schism wider than the grand canyon, engulfing my heart.  I want to see differently....

...when we meditate on God's Word, we are on the receiving end from God.  God is the actor, and he operates on us.  He speaks, and we listen.  We receive from Him as He gives of Himself to us.  As we receive His Word into our hearts by meditating on it, it does its work in us.  Scripture changes us inwardly and gradually permeates everything we think and feel and say and do.  It brings the Holy Spirit with it, the Spirit who makes us spiritually fruitful and productive.  (114-115)

As we hold to the enlightening Word, the light of Christ permeates us; it drives out the darkness in us and illuminates the whole of our being so that we who are children of the light begin to produce the fruit of light (cf. Ephesians 5:8-14).  The light of Christ bring life and sight, warmth and energy with it.  Just as the light of the sun produces physical life, sight, warmth, and energy in our world, so also God's Word brings life to our dying souls, vision to our dark minds, warmth to our cold hearts, and energy to our weak bodies.  Through His Word the triune God comes to us, makes His home with us and fills us with radiance of His presence (cf. John 14:23).

The illumination that we experience through meditation on God's Word does not affect our thinking; it permeates the whole of us and heals all parts of us.  Our souls are revived so that we share more and more in the life of Christ the Son in His fellowship with God the Father.  Our minds are transformed so that we think as Christ thinks and see ourselves and others as God the Father sees us.  Our hearts are softened so that we become attuned to the heart of God the Father and feel as He does about ourselves and about others.  Our bodies are energized so that we live by His grace and work together with Him in the world.  So, as we meditate on His Word, we stand in His light and borrow light for ourselves from Him.  (115-116)

Even as I race ahead, this snippet of Luther's calls me back:

You should meditate...not only in your heart, but also externally, by actually repeating and comparing oral speech and literal words of the book, reading and rereading them with diligent attention and reflection, so that you may see what the Holy Spirit means by them...For God will not give you His spirit without the external Word; so take your cue from that.  His command to write, preach, read, hear, sing, speak, etc. outwardly was not given in vain. (110)


Somewhere I read how he also traced his fingers upon the words.  I do that, not merely to hold my place in the book or track where I am on the page.  The letters are not raised, but sometimes it seems as if they are.  Words that leap out at me these days:  for Christ's sake, keep, holy, and forgiven...

I worked twelve and a half hours today, or rather yesterday since it is already tomorrow!

Now, at 4:30 AM, I just finished walking Kashi about the neighborhood, having not been able to do so since Thursday.  Really, he walked me.  Despite my stumbling along the way, he was so very happy to be out and about once more.

I was hoping the walk would help me sleep, but I only spent more time thinking about that which bothers me.  While I am not completely sure, I am fairly certain I lied to someone on Saturday.  Even if merely by omission, lies are wrong and only bring hurt.  But what do you do if telling the truth would most likely hurt the person worse than the omission?

I did try to sing all the verses, old and new, to Jesus Came, the Heavens Adoring, but I still cannot get the notes of third and fourth lines...at least the majority of them.  Perhaps if I got more verses, I would have a greater opportunity of mastering this hymn (hint, hint)!  I am, however, also looking forward to the next batch of hymns from Pastor.

So, I thought I would spend some more time with Kleinig.  I am only fifty or so pages away from the section on prayer.  And, boy, do I want to leap ahead and start reading there.  The first section on the mystery of Christ was quite interesting, so each time I tried to leap ahead, I was pulled back to study, to savor, and, yes, to meditate on what he is presenting.

This next section is actually on meditation, and, frankly, I could skip it and not feel bad at all about doing so.  But each time I start flipping the pages, I find myself wondering if I might be missing something important because of my preconceived notions and conditioned responses to the small bit I have read thus far.

In fact, I just started flipping when I spotted the following.  I spotted the following and backed up to the beginning to read what was there again.  He started with some pretty standard stuff about abiding in Christ, but tied it to mediation on His Word.  Standard stuff, yet completely different.  Then:

In our homes, we have many different electrical appliances, from lights to a vacuum cleaner.  Each of these appliances is designed to perform a different task fro us.  yet, despite their different functions, they all have one thing in common:  they operate by the power of an electric current.  They do not produce or possess electricity; they receive it from another source and are empowered by it.

As Christians, we live and work by the power of God's Holy Spirit, a power that we never possess but always receive.  We can achieve nothing spiritually by ourselves.  Only as long as we are attached to Christ and receive the Spirit from Him can we live the life of Christ and do the work of God the Father.  Our spiritual life depends entirely on our ongoing reception of the Holy Spirit.  The practice of meditation is included in this.  Meditation depends on our ongoing reception of the Holy Spirit and the continual operation of the Holy Spirit in us. (107-108)

Hmmm...Christianity being a spirituality of reception.  Again and again and again I think I have grasped this notion and then find myself discovering that I have only scratched the surface, I have not yet tasted the riches of possessing nothing and yet receiving everything.

But...what also troubles my waters is how very different the Holy Spirit is in the doctrine which I am studying with that which has been presented in all those years of church going.  This is near impossible for me to describe other than to say cheaply that the Holy Spirit has been taught mostly as either an afterthought, part of the Trinity yes, but not really much else to delve into there...or as something to be avoided...you know...speaking in tongues and such...holy roller folk.

Oh, how I am learning something so very different...

Jesus teaches us about the role of the Holy Spirit in meditation in John 16:12-15.  This is the last part of His teaching about the Spirit in His farewell speech to His disciples on the night before His crucifixion:

I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now.  When the Spirit of truth comes, He will guide you into all the truth; for He will not speak on His own authority, but whatever He hears He will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come.  He will glorify Me, for He will take what is Mine and declare it to you.  All that the father has is mind; therefore I said that He will take what is mine and declare it to you.

Here Jesus is not just speaking to His apostles but to all His disciples, including us, about the role of the Holy Spirit in the Church.  The risen Lord Jesus gives us His Holy Spirit as our spiritual director and guide in our journey with Him.  He leads us quite practically into the truth of Jesus and our association with Him.  His purpose with us is to advocate Jesus by bearing witness to Him and disclosing His glory as God's Son.

The Holy Spirit does not, as some teach, merely take us back to what Christ said and did long ago.  he does much more than that.  He declares what the risen Lord Jesus is saying and doing now; He proclaims the things that have come to be after His death and resurrection.  He initiates us into the present mystery of Christ.  After all, we do not hear what Jesus is saying now, nor can we see what He is doing now.  But the Spirit does.  So He declares to us what He hears from Christ.  The Holy Spirit takes the words of Jesus, the words that He spoke long ago, and applies them to us, each in our won situation.  He tells us what Jesus now brings to each of us from His heavenly Father.  The Spirit takes what belongs to Jesus and offers it to us, telling us that it is ours.  Through the Spirit's preaching, the word of Jesus is enacted in us, just as Jesus enacted the word of His heavenly Father fro us in His earthly ministry.

The Holy Spirit plays an important role in our meditation on God' Word.  We meditate on God's Word in order to receive the Holy Spirit and all the gifts that the Spirit brings to us as a foretaste and pledge of our heavenly  inheritance.  As we meditate on God's Word and put our trust in it, the Holy Spirit takes over from us in our thinking and preaches it to us.  The Holy Spirit turns what we do into something that is done to us, something that happens to us; the Spirit turns our meditation into and exercise of reception.

Yet it is not just the Holy Spirit who helps us to meditate and inspires us as we meditate.  As Christ shows us in John 16:12-15, all three persons of the Trinity are involved in the operation of Christian meditation.  As we meditate, the Spirit leads us to Christ and through Christ to God the Father.  But He also takes what the Father gives to His Son and offers it to us for our use and enjoyment.  By meditating on the words and deeds of Jesus, we receive the Father's gift of His Spirit and all His other heavenly gifts. (108-110)

Does that not change how you look at reading the bible?  Does it not shift, radically, the here and now of our faith, a living, active Word for a living, active God in a living, active faith that is not merely situated in the past, not tied to a single, albeit magnificent, act on the Calvary's hill?

I have so much to learn, too much to un-learn.  It seems, each day, I discover more of exactly what I do not know.  I wonder, at times, if I know anything at all....

I am very blessed by people willing to write more verses to Jesus Came, the Heavens Adoring.  My godmother's verse is on the Lord's Supper:

Jesus comes to give forgiveness
In His Body giv'n for me;
Jesus comes to th' repentant,
In His Blood shed for me.
Alleluia! Alleluia!
Giv'n so I may go in peace.


Pastor's is on undershepherds:

Jesus comes in undershepherds
Caring for His struggling sheep.
To the lonely and the dying
With His all surpassing peace.
Alleluia! Alleluia!
Comes with blessing, feeding, love.


I found my godmother's verse Saturday when I awoke and checked my email just before Pastor arrived for my lessoning.  We did not really get to the lesson, but he did bring the Lord's Supper.  And at least we talked more than I cried. 

On his blog today, Pastor mentioned that in Sunday School he had a bit a "tirade" against the pageantry props and background cropping up around the church where we share services.  The other church, who owns the building, has been readying for Christmas.  He doesn't have a beef with plays or such, but he made quite an interesting observation:

...what I pointed out is that when you don't have the sacraments, this is what happens - something rushes in to fill the vacuum. Therefore, how do you celebrate Christmas or Easter? How do you remember? How do you put yourself in the story? You have to act it out. You have to try to put yourself there. But we don't have to do that! The sacraments are what unite us to Christ and make us participants in the story. We don't have to try to go to Bethlehem when Jesus comes to us in His body and blood for the forgiveness of our sins. So at Christmas, there is no better way to remember and celebrate than receiving the Lord's Supper. That is where heaven and earth meet. You cannot get closer to Him than that.

Oh, Pastor, so many people do not understand what the Lord's Supper is, the incredible gift of how He comes to us!  They do not have undershepherds to teach them this.  All they have is worldly works and hollow measures with which to comfort themselves.

~~~~
Who knew that four letter word could have such joy!  Come!  I think that so much of the focus of Protestant churches is that Jesus came to us.  Past tense.  Lutherans celebrate, revel in how Christ comes to us.  Now.  Today.  Tomorrow.  Always!

Who knew how a church season can change a life?  Advent.  Waiting and preparing for Christ to come.  Celebrating that He came and will come again.  Humbled beneath all the ways He comes to us each day of our lives.

The sermon I chose for Pastor's food yesterday was actually from Pastor W on Trinity 2 in 2007.  It is a beautiful Word he brought to his flock on how Jesus calls us to come to Him.  I chose it because of Advent, the other side of the coin of Come.  We can come to Him because He came to us. He came to us because God longs to have a relationship with us, longs for us to come to Him.

But reading it was far, far harder than I thought it would be. In truth, at one point, I wanted to just pass the paper over and tell him that he should be the one speaking those words.

"Come, for all is now ready." "But" you object "I am not worthy to come. My clothes are not suitable. I wouldn't know how to act in the Master's palace." None of this makes any difference. The invitation goes out to all: to those who are on the back streets, to those who live in little, dirty places, as well as to those who live in fine houses. Come! The good news is that you don't have to be perfect to come. Come as you are -- with all of your sins and sorrows, weaknesses and failures, problems and anxieties. Come to the only one who can forgive you and heal you. Come to the one who on His cross opened His arms wide to you. "Come, for all is now ready."

Coming to Jesus isn't a one time thing. None can say: "Oh, I did that years ago." Coming to Jesus is a way of life. It begins with baptism. It involves living out our baptism in daily repentance and sorrow for sin and turning from sin to God. We come to Him and find Him where He has promised to be for us. We come to Him in worship for "where two or three gather in my name, there am I in the midst of them." We come to Him in Bible reading, for "if anyone loves me, he will keep my word; and my Father love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him." We come to Him in regular communion, for "he who eats my flesh and drinks my blood abides in Me and I in Him." You see He who came down from heaven to meet us on our level, meets us on our level still.

No, He doesn't stand at the top of the ladder and call us home. He stands at the bottom and lifts us up on His strong shoulders and carries us up the ladder Himself. None of us will ever know the wonder of the brightly lit banquet hall, the goodness of the food, and the joy of being part of this amazing fellowship until we lay aside the excuses and dare to accept the invitation. Yes, dare to accept it daily! Come to Him now, come to Him today and tomorrow and the next day and the next and so live in the assurance that on the last day He will direct to you the greatest "Come" of all: "Come, O blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world." Amen

Once again, I chose a sermon that was really food for me, not for Pastor. SIGH. I wish I could get it right.

~~~~
He completely surprised me with the Lord's Supper. Once he poured the wine, its fragrance sang to me, bringing comfort during even the liturgy of communion we were reading. Liturgy that included the Agnus Dei!

What does it mean to ask for Christ have mercy upon us? A friend said she thought it was asking Christ to look not upon our sinful condition and give us what we deserve, but instead pour out His forgiveness upon us. I like that, but then I think of the lepers crying out to Jesus and I cannot picture them asking for forgiveness. It seems to me that they were begging for help, for healing really. So, is mercy a combination of forgiveness and healing or more or less or something else altogether?

The dictionary gives me words such as compassion, kindness, favor. Frankly, they do not shed much light for me.

~~~~
After the lesson, I went over to the nursing home where the church was having a dinner with one of our members who lives there.  I was still very wobbly from the cold drama of Friday night, but although I had grave misgivings about inflicting myself on the rest of the church folk, I know if I were living in a nursing home, I would want people to visit me.  And I would care if they stunk at being human beings.

I forgot to bring a plastic fork in with me and walking back out to the car for one would really have just ended in my leaving.  So, I tried to eat with a plastic spoon, the only thing the wait staff could find for me.  I was shaking so much that the food kept falling off my spoon, but I did eat three whole chicken planks and a few pieces of butternut squash.  Then, much to my dismay, Pastor's eldest daughter, who was sitting across from me, came back with her dessert:  a triple layer chocolate cake with peanut butter icing and crushed peanut butter cups on top.  Now, I am actually not a fan of chocolate cake.  As much as I revel in desserts and am ape over cake, I have been known to skip chocolate cake.  But, seriously, there is NOTHING better in this world than peanut butter and chocolate!  In fact, as a teenager, I was know for spending an afternoon polishing off an entire bag of Reseece's Miniature Peanut Butter Cups as I read a novel or two.

Someone who has this diagnosis of diabetes over her head and who just spent five months puking all food and who still cannot handle sugar or carbohydrates alone has NO BUSINESS eating such a slice of cake.  But I stared at it until I think I was making his daughter a wee bit uncomfortable.  I plied her with all manner of questions about how it tasted, until I decided to fetch me a piece...no matter that I needed assistance in the fetching.

It was simply  marvelous.  SIGH.  Even now, knowing what came next, I would consume another piece were it placed before me...so creamy and smooth and peanut-buttery was that icing!

However, not long after I started feeling queasy.  The cacophony of the room started to recede and I wondered where the nearest bathroom was.  Pastor noticed, for he changed seats to one across from me and then shortly was near running my over to the bathroom as I held onto his arm.  He even reached out and grabbed a bowl as we hustled past the buffet in case I did not make it out of the dining room.

I think if I had not made it to the bathroom, I would NEVER have been able to face him again.  After all, who pukes on a pastor?

I spent quite a bit of time on the bathroom floor, working very hard to refrain from thinking where I was lying as I tried to stop trembling after the heaving up of all things tasty and the protein I needed and wishing that someone would come in to rescue me.  It took three attempts at standing, falling back to the floor twice, before grabbing the bar strongly enough to haul me upward. I have found that when I am wobbly, if I stand straight over my feet, that I can stand with the appearance of being fairly normal, but if I list, I have to shove my fear that I am about to fall down where no one can see it and cast about for something to surreptitiously grab a hold of for a moment.

[Something that I noticed about my godfather and Pastor is that when I list, they pull me back to center, but do not mention it to me.  It is as if they are helping me keep up my facade.  I sort of like that.  No, I really like that.]

Afterward, Pastor dumped me in a chair in the lobby area since everyone had cleared out of the room.  My godmother offered to drive me to my new friend's house since it was on her way home and they had extra drivers in their cars between my godfather and their nanny.  With much hesitation, I accepted.  She helped me so very much Friday night and then last night...when I have been avoiding her because of something that happened that I cannot speak to her about.  Sitting beside her was like having coals of fire heaped upon my head.

Even more so...because I was going over to my new friend's house because Thursday I hurt her feelings which made me feel even more the human failure and I knew if I didn't have a visit sooner rather than later I would just avoid her too.  Oh, how I wish I could be a hermit, in a cave, never having to inflict my oafish nature upon another person.  I was going over there to help her wrap presents and find a way to tell her how sorry I was for hurting her feelings and then begging her to let me jump off the phone because it hurt too much knowing what I had done...I jumped off the phone even though she wanted to talk things out because all I could see was my failure...which, in not talking at the time, make the failure all the worse.

So, there I was, trapped in my own car, being driven by such a loving woman, not wanting to speak a word but finding myself having to answer questions I would rather have avoided.  Nothing really changed, for me that is, when we got to my friend's house and I was actually scared to go inside, but she was leaving to go pick up dinner so I went from one car to another.

Then, when we got back to the house, my blood sugar started dropping, which told me I probably didn't loose all the icing or maple sauce from the squash though I know all the chicken was gone, so when I started panicking at what was happening, my friend just darted to the pantry where she had some icing.  She remembered that gel icing is a great quick solution, which really touched me.  She then divided up her dinner so I could have some real food to keep my blood sugar from dropping again after a while from the icing.  Such a vicious cycle that is.  Need a timer?  Just give me sugar on an empty stomach and you'll know 90 minutes have passed when I start getting a bit irritable, 120 minutes when I start shaking and sweating.

[Something that is very, very hard to describe about my new friend is that if I need to lie on her floor, she does not bat an eyelash.  It doesn't matter to her.  If I say I need food, she just gets it.  When I whispered beneath my breath my regret that I didn't remember to bring my sweats over there, she fetched some pants and a sweatshirt from her husband's closet so that I could change and be comfortable.  There is absolutely no pretense of any way, shape, or form with her.  It is hard for me to believe that, to trust it really, but I do recognize it.  That is what she offers in friendship.  What a marvel!]

In a way, in a way I cannot really fathom, the whole day, from Pastor announcing he brought the Lord's Supper to him sitting beside me in the lobby while I gathered myself as if his family was not waiting on him to my godmother driving me around to my friend essentially telling me that even seventy time seven is not too many times for her to forgive my oafishness...well, I felt as if I were walking about in the pages of the Gospel.

I know this will not make sense, but it was disturbing and confusing even as it was warm and comforting....

It was something that filled my day and even distracted me as I piled the hair on the side of the tub during my shower tonight.  The pile is smaller these days, but it is still there after each shower.

~~~~
In listening to Pastor's sermon audio clip this afternoon, Christ came to me again, the Word offered speaking directly to me, for me, no matter that there were dozens of other people in that building, no matter that it was actually for them and not for me given that I was not even there.

I have played the sermon clip on repeat, like it was one of his hymns.  I played the sermon each time I started thinking about yesterday.  I played the sermon each time I started thinking about how much failure I have been drowning in of late.  I played the sermon each time I started thinking that going caroling and going to the dinner were mistakes.

There is not one moment of this weekend that was as I had envisioned it would be.  With regard to the surprise gift of the body and blood of Christ, that is a very good thing.  With regard to the rest, I am not sure....


Jesu Juva

“Turning Darkness into Light”
Text: Luke 7:18-35 (Zephaniah 3:14-20; Philippians 4:4-7)

Grace, mercy, and peace to you from God our Father, and from our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. Amen.

John the Baptist was in prison. Perhaps he had been rotting in there for some time now. His crime? Speaking the truth and pointing to Jesus as the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world. (John 1:29)

Meanwhile, John’s disciples heard that up in Galilee, Jesus had healed the near-death son of a Roman centurion, and just by speaking a word. Jesus had raised a widow’s son from the dead, again, just by speaking a word. And they wondered: what about John? How come He’s not rescuing John just by speaking a word? John is His promised, prophetic forerunner, come to prepare the way before Him. How come Jesus is letting him rot in prison?

So they go to John and report all these things - maybe even thinking that if Jesus only knew that John was in prison down here in Jerusalem, Jesus would speak a word for him, too. So they speak to John, and John says: go ask Him. Ask Him, “Are you the one who is to come, or should we look for another?” 

That question is evidence not of John’s dejection and confusion, but that even in prison, he is still pointing the way to Jesus. Because John knew. He was not looking for a soft, easy life. He was no reed shaken by the wind. John was miraculously born to be a prophet and his father was priest, so you can be sure he knew his Old Testament. The Old Testament which testifies that rejection and prison and death was the fate of all the prophets. This is what John meant when he said: Jesus must increase; but I must decrease. (John 3:30) Not that his decrease would mean a nice, easy life of retirement and enjoying the fruits of his labor when Jesus takes over, but that he would die. He would die a prophet’s death.

And so John was decreasing, but even as he did, the darkness of his prison was enlightened by the light of knowing that his decrease would soon mean the increase to the joy of heaven. For as Jesus said: the one who is least in the kingdom of God is greater than John. And soon, John knew, he would join them in that greatness.

That (by the way) is why we always celebrate Christian saints and martyrs on the date of their death - not to commemorate their death, but to celebrate their birthday into the kingdom of heaven. And so rejoice with them.

But that is a hard thing for John’s disciples to understand. And so they do as John told them, go to Jesus, and ask: Are you the one who is to come, or should we look for another? John knew what he was doing. For when we get too limited in our perspective, too stuck in our own problems, too self-absorbed and self-centered, and filled with doubts and questions, we need to be pointed away from ourselves to something greater. To someone greater. And so John sends them off from the darkness of his dungeon to see the Light of the world. That as we prayed earlier: the darkness of their hearts may be enlightened by His gracious visitation.

For that is the true darkness - the darkness of the heart. Of hearts filled with doubt and sin. Yes, there is much darkness in our world: crimes and hatred, disease and suffering, hunger, neglect, and persecution. But these are but the fruits of hearts filled with sin. Sin that wells up and bursts forth its darkness and death into the world. Bursting upon you, but also bursting from you. Yes, from you too, good Christian. No one is immune. From you too come thoughts, words, and deeds that hurt, that imprison, that embitter, that humiliate, that neglect, that lash out, that kill.

And when that darkness descends upon us, or when we see it in our own hearts and lives, it is a hard thing to understand. Is Jesus the Saviour . . . my Saviour? If so, then . . . why? Why does He not speak a word? Are you the one who is to come, or should we look for another? Many are asking that question still today.

So how does Jesus answer that question? He preaches the good news to John’s disciples. For like the others who gathered around Him, they were the poor who needed it. And so through His works and His words, Jesus raises them from their prison house of sin and doubt, and enlightens their hearts. They see with their eyes and hear with their ears what John knows: that here is the healer of every ill, the destroyer of death, and the forgiver of sins. Those disciples walking in darkness have seen a great light. (Isaiah 9:2) The light no darkness can overcome. (John 1:5) The Light of Christ.

And John, the forerunner, has prepared the way of the Lord yet again. Even in chains. And I cannot help but wonder if he was still there when his disciples returned, or if Herod had beheaded him while they were gone. Perhaps John entered glory even as his disciples were beholding the glory of God in the face of Jesus. (2 Cor 4:6)

And now, dear Christian, this is the glory that has been revealed to you. The glory not of kings or an easy life, but the glory of our God who has come to battle our enemies, our demons, our darkness and sins, and win. To give not just His head, but His whole life, as the sacrifice for your sin. That no matter how dark the darkness of the world around you, and no matter how dark your heart, that His light shatter the darkness and give you the light of life. The light no darkness can overcome. So that no matter the darkness you find yourself in - no matter the dungeon, the illness, the oppression, the sadness, doubt, or fear - you be not alone. But that like John, you know. You know there is a healer of every ill, a defeater of death, and a forgiver of every sin. And not just a Saviour from these things, but your Saviour.

For the Son of God came in your flesh, took your sin, died your death, and rose to life again, and then He baptized you, that His life and forgiveness be yours. That in those waters, Jesus work and speak the light of faith upon you, raise you to life, and give you peace. And so He has. That even in darkness you can have confidence and hope. For He is the one who has come, and there is no other. And you need no other.

For He is the one who comes not once, but is still coming to you, feeding you with His body and blood, to give you His strength for your weakness, His righteousness for your sin, and His life for your death. That at this altar, Jesus work and speak the light of faith upon you, that you walk in the light of His life. And so He has. That even in darkness you spew forth not sin, but good works of love and forgiveness from the love and life of Christ that now lives in you.

And so, you see, Jesus did (and does!) speak a word for us, too - for John, for His disciples, for you and me. Not against the darkness of the world, but against the true darkness, of your heart. He speaks His word of forgiveness. To scatter the darkness not around you, but the darkness in you. That you have His light not just in a place or for a time, but in every place and at all times.

And so as the prophet Zephaniah told us this morning, “Sing aloud, O daughter of Zion; shout, O Israel!” That’s you! Why? Because “the Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you with his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.” Did you hear that? He rejoices over you! Yes, you. He exults over you! Yes, you. And He will quiet you with His love. Whatever the tumult, the doubt, the despair - He will quiet you like a babe in His arms. For once He was a babe in the arms of His mother Mary, and He knew the tumult of the cross, so that you never would. And even in that very moment, that hour of darkness, there was joy in His heart. Joy for you. That through His work and His word, you would have life. Life now, and life forever.

And that is the joy that gives us joy, and gives Joy to the World. That enables us to, as Paul said, “Rejoice in the Lord always.” Not because things will always be merry and bright, because they won’t. But because your God rejoices over you. Yes, you. The joy that brought Him down at Christmas, the joy that led Him to ascend the cross, and the joy that brings Him down to you today. To speak a word to us poor, miserable, wretched sinners, and say: Fear not; your sins are forgiven. You are mine. And so you are.

And so in Advent, at Christmas, and all through our lives, His joy gives us joy. For if your Saviour rejoices over you, you are richer than the richest and higher than the highest. So let the darkness rage! It cannot win. The Light of the world has come, and He is shining upon you.

In the Name of the Father and of the (+) Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Now the peace of God which passes all understanding, keep your hearts and minds through faith in Christ Jesus, our Lord.  Amen.

If you are going caroling straight from work, you should at least bring a pair of socks and warm shoes to replace your heels.  If you are going caroling in the cold and are planning on sitting in a chair, you should at least bring a blanket...or two.  If you are caroling and find yourself trembling from bone deep cold, leave...even if you have to ask for help in doing so.  If you have gone caroling and find yourself having cramps from the cold, accept help in getting home.  If you have gone caroling and have cramps in your legs and arms, do not be surprised if you become fatigued from the tremors and cramps.  If you have gone caroling and know you are in a bit of a spot, do not eat a cookie before you leave thinking you will be able to get inside from your car in time to eat enough protein to offset the sugar.  If you have gone caroling, are freezing cold, do not get into your car, buckle yourself up, and forget to remove your coat before you crank up the heat.  If you have gone caroling, have gone from freezing cold to too hot, are too weak to get out of your car, and have plummeting blood sugar a hour and a half later, call for help.  If you have gone caroling and find yourself in a real pickle, well, work real hard to remember the words of the carols instead of your internal assessment of your own stupidity.

~~~~
I am well known for not wearing a coat.  A turtle neck as a layer, a scarf, and perhaps gloves are enough to deal with cold weather.  Cold really doesn't apply until the temperature reaches the twenties.  The thirties are brisk.  The forties are balmy.  The fifties comfortable.  The sixties a bit warm.  The seventies sweltering.  Anything higher pure misery.  I am well known for not wearing a coat.

I wore a coat.

I was cold.  You know, when I have my chills and I am shivering beneath that arctic weight comforter, I have to eliminate every speck of draft, even the tiniest access to the room air brings waves and waves of chills.  My godmother provided a huge blanket, but I couldn't warm up my feet.  And cramps set into my legs and then arms.  My godmother also attached her daughter to me to warm my torso, but I couldn't warm up.

Tuesday evening, I was telling Pizza Man, his Lovely Bride, and his Sister about the fact that I cannot be in the water.  Vee and El thought swimming would be good exercise for me.  I told them that the last time I was in the water, in an indoor pool the summer of 1995, I nearly drowned.  I nearly drowned because when you are in the water, you use many muscles at the same time.  I nearly drowned because the cacophony of an indoor pool precluded the lifeguards from noticing my peril.  Muscle fatigue happens much, much more quickly in the water.  Apparently, the same happens when many parts of you are shivering.

I ache so much.  I feel as if I have been lifting weights and climbing stairs for hours on end.  All from shivering.  All from being too cold.

Eating gel icing to raise your blood sugar will only temporarily help if you do not eat afterward.

~~~~
I had a less than successful conversation just yesterday with someone who was telling me that she didn't want to accept my offer of help because she wouldn't want me to become ill in the process. I kept insisting that if I was off of work, I could help.  If I couldn't help, I would not offer.  I would not offer if I couldn't do something.  I hate, really, really, really hate being treated as if I am a child, as if I cannot make decisions for myself.

If washing dishes is painful for me, I still think I should have the choice of doing so, of making that sacrifice for someone.  If being tired from moving things weighs me down, I still think I should have the choice of doing so, of helping someone despite the cost to me.  After all, I already count too many costs.

I willingly gave up my Wednesday evening bible study because the house is heated too warm.  I didn't walk out soon enough at the evening prayer service when the air-conditioning was not working, but I have not tried to go now that the heat is on there given that nursing homes are usually kept warmer.  I do make good choices.  I am stupid sometimes, but mostly, this past year, I have found myself struggling not because I was being defiant, but because things had changed and I didn't realize it or because I had not yet encountered the situation.

After all, Tuesday evening, I ate only one small piece of chocolate, chocolate death cake and refused multiple offers for another slice...or two!  I can make good decisions.

I rarely wear coats, but I brought a coat and put it on at the beginning, not after I was already too cold.  It didn't matter.  For even though I still get too hot too easily, I apparently get too cold as well.  And being too cold is not just being miserable with chills like I have been for over a year now.  Being too cold also means overwhelming cramps and muscle fatigue from shivering.

Being too hot brings on wet noodle.  Lesson Learned:  So does being too cold.

Five hours of being stuck in my car....

I have been thinking a lot about mercy lately, wondering what it truly means to ask Christ for mercy.  What are really praying as we sing the Agnus Dei?

Christ the Lamb of God

That takest away the sins of the world

Have mercy upon us.
Christ the Lamb of God

That takest away the sins of the world

Have mercy upon us.

Christ the Lamb of God

That takest away the sins of the world

Grant us Thy peace.

Were I able to order up another one of Pastor's great pieces of writing, I would task him with:  What is mercy? But, you know, if Pastor did not have a wife or children or graduate school or even a church, the sad truth is that he would still not have enough time in his life to teach me the things that I want to learn.

Wouldn't life be different if everyone I met started off their time with me singing the Agnus Dei?

But...about mercy.

Last night in an email to Pastor, I was trying to explain why I asked him about mercy, really why I asked about prayer.

When my step-sister was going through her bat mitzvah, she never bothered to learn the meaning of all the Hebrew she had to read during the service.  I admit that I was pretty hard on her, pushing her again and again to try to learn them, telling her that it made no sense for her to read something in temple just for the sake of wearing her dress and getting a bunch of gifts.  But that was all she wanted.  Twenty years ago, my step-father spent $700 on her white dress.  That was the words meant to her.

Mercy.  Grace.  Forgiveness.  Trust.  Prayer.  Love.   They are my Hebrew.  I am ashamed I could never admit that.  Not that I have not had faith.  She had none.  Rote exercise was her only experience.  We are not alike.  But they are my Hebrew in that I did not truly understand them and I have long since stopped trying to learn.

That hymn, Pastor...that hymn.  To God the Holy Spirit We Pray.  Ever since that hymn I have been wondering if I understood mercy I might better understand prayer. 

Have mercy upon us...a siren call of sorts to my heart.  What is mercy?

The more I read the bible, the more I realize I do not know, I do not truly understand.  What I thought I knew is merely a pale reflection of God's Truth.  The love of God, not to be trite, truly is wider and deeper and higher than I can ever fathom.  What does it mean, truly mean, that we put on the body of Christ, his birth and death and resurrection, in the Holy Waters of Baptism?  What does it mean, truly mean, that we are washed clean of all our sin?  What does it mean, truly mean, that, in the forgiveness of the Cross, our sin is as far as the east is from the west? What does it mean, truly mean, that the Creator of the universe claims me as His and calls me by name, chose me and has not forsaken me?  What does it mean, truly mean, that His Son will never leave me, will be with me always?  What does it mean, truly mean, His Spirit will teach me through His Word, will sustain, enfold, and uphold me?


What is mercy?  Bettina calling you during a harsh afternoon at work and asking if you would like to play Scrabble after her children go to sleep.

During the game, I asked her not to play in one area because I had good word.  She played there (having not seen my note in the chat window since she had taken another call at the time).  The following conversation took place:

I have a good word.
I had a good word, but you took my spot!
But I'm forgiven!
[Myrtle guffaws]
Maybe not by you, but I'm forgiven!
[More laughter.]
Her good word:  chortle!

Do you want to know how smart she is?  She had played a Z word with the Z hanging five spots above a double word score.  For many rounds, I was trying to find a five letter Z word, but I had stinky letters all night.  Then, she played across to the bottom triple word spot.  That meant to play off the Z, you had to come up with a six-letter word that ended in L.  I imediatly groaned that that was impossible.

But, you see, if I said I couldn't possibly think of a word that had 2 Cs in it, Bettina will promptly name out six or eight of them, so brilliant is she!

So brilliant is she that she came up with zoonal:  any of the individuals of a compound organization.  So loving is she that she told me to play my O on the Z.  She then played her N and then her O, so that I could play my A and complete the double word for my 30-point word.  Techinally, I got 41 points out of the play, whereas she only got 13.  She still won the game.  She has been winning altogether too frequently of late.

The very small part of my heart savors that my rating is usually higher than hers even though she is better at playing Scrabble.  It is one of the mysteries of life, truly so.  However, now, this evening, after enduring many agonizing defeats of late, I am not only down in the dire 500s, but lower than her rating.  SNIFF.  SNIFF.

What is mercy?  Bettina asking me, after wiping me across the Scrabble board, if I would like to sing hymns with her!  We sang:  Jesus Comes the Heavens Adoring, I Leave All Things to His Direction, At the Lamb's High Feast We Sing,  Stand Up For Jesus (Becky singing), Praise the One Who Breaks the Darkness, When Morning Guilds the Skies (Becky singing), God  of Grace and God of Glory, O Sacred Head Now Wounded, and Holy, Holy, and Holy.

She also read me Psalm 139....

~~~~

What are the odds that I could teach either Madeleine or Sam to do this?

El, Pizza Man's sister already wrote her new verse for Jesus Came, the Heavens Adoring for me!!!!

Jesus comes, His Words appealing
Righting all our Sin soil'd plans
Jesus comes to clear our conscience
Only He can give us peace
Alleluia!  Alleluia!
We are His and His we'll be
(El)

What a beautiful gift!  Though...she did twit me about the fact that I never asked either Pastor, Pizza Man, his Lovely Bride, Bettina, and her to do so.  I practically demanded they do it!  Alas...she has yet to learn who I am....

I fainted from low blood sugar.  Allergy attack.  Asthma attack.  Diabetes "attack."  I would like a break, please!

Pastor came for another parking lot confession/absolution.  I led us into a mud pit, unfortunately, so we ran over and I could not ask for another hymn.  So, the day was not marked by secret hymn joy at work.  But I did receive the words of Christ's forgiveness.  And I am very thankful for his willingness to help me in this rather unorthodox fashion.  Were you in doubt as to the condition of his heart, I will say that when I asked if I should read the Psalm I used to prepare my heart aloud, because it occurred to me that he might like to hear it, too, his response was Either way is fine...or should I read it to you?  I promptly passed over the bible.  Although I sang the Agnus Dei with him this time, I let him finish with the Amen and savored the idea of him reading to me.  His heart? you ask.  After taking the bible from my hands, he declared he should probably record it since it is not one that he has done so for me yet. After fetching his gizmo from his bag in the back seat, he did.

[Praying a psalm and now singing the Agnus Dei are not part of the confession/absolution liturgy, but I find it most helpful to begin with the Word of God before I walk down the path of baring my heart, so that I am cognizant of Him and why I am there, rather than just what I am feeling or thinking or both....]

Then end of the liturgy was hasty and disjointed and most...well...distracting for me.  And I am not really sure there were words of comfort (too much trying to explain that which should have been left unsaid on my part).  He did tell me of two circumstances that gave me pause and reminded me that there are so many more ways that I, as his parishioner, could be praying for him and for his flock and for his brothers.

When you think about it, Paul's instruction to pray without ceasing, in part, was not really necessary because there is too much for us to be praying about to ever have a time when we are not praying.  Although, Luther would say that that particular bit of instruction was not Law, not a demand, but a reminder of Gospel, a reminder of the fact that we have a God who longs to hear and to answer our prayers, a God who welcomes them and cherishes them so much that He sent His Son to die in order that He might approach us in our sinful condition and His Son sent His Spirit so that we might approach Him in His holiness.

Because we have a High Priest Who knows every sin but remains unstained, we can approach God in fearlessness.  Because we have an intercessor Who places our prayers on our lips and speaks for us with groanings too deep for words, we can be sure that we will be heard.

Selah.

~~~~
NOTE:  In case you wish to write me a new verse to sing, the pattern is:

8
7
8
7
Alleluia! Alleluia!
7

It was another EPSD night at Pizza Man's house!  [Eat.  Play.  Sing.  Devotions.]

There I was, finishing a lovely dinner, thinking about how much I enjoyed chowing down without worrying about losing my lunch and chatting away with Pizza Man's Lovely Bride when I suddenly realized that I was having an allergic reaction and needed to get to my Epipen.  I did, pulled down my pants right there on the floor and jammed the sucker against my thigh.  I asked for a bandaid and slapped it on.  Then I sat there very quietly freaking out.

I did not...did not...want to go to the hospital.  But I was frightened.  And I was really disappointed because this disaster meant that I had reached the tipping point for avocados and cannot have them ever again. My last reaction was so mild that I thought I had a ways to go before avocados needed to be added to the taboo list!  Of course, a part of me was wondering if I was being punished for picking out all the left over pieces of avocado for my salad since I ate it at the end of the meal and everyone else had finished eating.  I savored every bite!  It was perfectly ripe and most delicious with the wild leaf salad.  Vee had included fresh basil.  Oh!  Tasty!

The Epipen had just expired, so I am not sure if how slow the drug seemed to be working had anything to do with that, but it did not help that my thigh started itching immediately, but it took me some long moments before I thought to ask if the bandaid had latex in it.  I peeled it off and Vee handed me another one.

So, she, Pizza Man's Sister, and I were sitting on the floor as I wondered if I should have them call an ambulance or at least go on to the hospital for monitoring.  Oh, my was I frightened.  Thinking about it now, I should have asked them to pray with me, but all I could think was to keep breathing and hope the drug worked quickly and well enough for me to stay there.


After a while, they helped me to the couch where I trembled and freaked out more until I declared I needed to be on the floor.  There I stayed for quite a while, willing my heart to slow and the swelling in my throat to subside...most determined that our EPSD evening was NOT going to end with just the E!  Life went on around me, the boy running and playing, books read, dishes washed, interesting conversation.  What a comfort!


Well, the medical drama precluded the P part of the evening, but we did sing hymns!  We sang many hymns!


We started with the Agnus Dei from DS3, then sang Lo! He Comes with Clouds Descending, I Leave All Things to His Direction, From God Can Nothing Move me, Abide With Me, We Praise You and Acknowledge You O God, and Jesus Came, The Heavens Adoring.

The last hymn is my "repeat" for the week, the one I have already played over and over again even though Pastor just sent them yesterday.  Now, I have yet to figure out the tune (SIGH).  Were it possible, I would have Pastor sing me the hymn bit by bit until I get it.  I would do so immediately.  The last part I have down and the first few notes.  The funny thing was that I said before hand I wondered if it would be easier to sing if everyone there chimed in.  As Pizza Man said on another particularly tough hymn three ESPD evenings ago, at least one of us had each note correct.

We then prayed Responsive Prayer 2 and the Litany.  Because they knew a way to sing the beginning of the Responsive Prayer from Matins, they let me record it afterward, singing a bit more of Matins for me.  Pizza Man did such a beautiful job of leading us that I told him he should, as head of household, learn to sing the Psalter (there are several options in the front of the hymnal) and then teach his household.  I would be his maidservant for the duration of the lesson so I can learn!

We did light the Advent wreath, reading the scripture and prayer, but actually forgot to do this when we first starting singing.  Of course, had we done so, the candles would have been mere nubs.  And there might have been spectacular pieces of chocolate cake provided by Pizza Man's Sister in between two of the hymns. All in all, despite the frightening interlude, I very much savored the evening.  And...we were all home and in bed (that's where I am headed) WELL before 2:00 AM!

This whole notion of waiting, of preparing for Christ to come, reflecting upon the ways He has already come to us and comes to us each day, has been a true blessing.  So much to consider, so much upon which to meditate.  December has changed for me.  My faith has changed.

My repeat hymn is, unfortunately, altogether too short.  Pastor's recording is a mere 2 minutes long.  So, I believe quite strongly that Pastor, Bettina, Pizza Man, Vee, and his Sister all should write me more verses, write verses about the ways Christ comes to us.  If they each did, I would have 9 instead of 4!  To encourage them, I took a stab at writing my own.  We sang it tonight...they at least liked the last line....  I guess I need to work on it more.  I cannot wait to sing theirs!

Jesus Came, The Heavens Adoring

Jesus came, the heav'ns adoring, 

Came with peace from realms on high;

Jesus came to win redemption, 

Lowly came on earth to die;

Alleluia!  Alleluia! 

Came in deep humility.

Jesus comes again in mercy

When our hearts are worn with care;

Jesus comes again in answer

To an earnest, heartfelt prayer;

Alleluia!  Alleluia! 

Comes to save us from despair.

Jesus comes to hearts rejoicing, 

Bringing news of sins forgiv'n;

Jesus comes with words of gladness,

Leading souls redeemed to heav'n.  

Alleluia!  Alleluia! 

Hope to all the world is giv'n.

Jesus comes in joy and sorrow

Shares alike our hopes and fears;

Jesus comes, whate'er befalls us,

Cheers our hearts and dries our tears;

Alleluia!  Alleluia!

Comforts us in failing years.

 (LSB 353)

Jesus comes in pain and anguish,
Holy stripes to make us whole.
Jesus comes to heal all our wounds,
Binding our iniquity.
Alleluia! Alleluia!
Grace and mercy save our souls.
(Myrtle)

~~~~
NOTE:  I am completely IGNORING the fact that, right now, I am having to nebulize.  An asthma attack now!  I am NOT going to the hospital!  I am also IGNORING the fact that I used my inhaler while we were singing hymns because I was starting to struggle.  Seriously, a body ought to be able to praise God without falling apart!

I found these summaries from the Lutheran Church Missouri Synod that are designed to help prepare us for the coming Sunday.  Of course, I found them and then saved them to my desktop, but did not change the name of the file so I did not remember that I had them until last night.

The passage in Zephaniah is one of my favorites.  I can sing it!

THIRD SUNDAY IN ADVENT

Zephaniah 3:14–20
Philippians 4:4–7
Luke 7:18–35

The Coming of Jesus Enables Us to Rejoice

The Third Sunday in Advent has traditionally been called by the Latin word, Gaudete, meaning “Rejoice!” For as you are called to repentance, so also are you also urged to rejoice in the coming of the Lord Jesus Christ. By His own Cross, He has accomplished salvation for you; “He has cleared away your enemies,” “taken away the judgments against you,” and has come to reign in your midst. Indeed, He rejoices over you with gladness! (Zephaniah 3:15­–17). Therefore, even from prison St. Paul encourages us to “rejoice in the Lord always,” knowing that the peace of God will guard and keep us in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:4, 7). We find an example and encouragement in the case of John the Baptizer. As he languishes in prison, he calls upon Jesus and is strengthened by the Word of the Gospel that he receives. The same good news is preached to you, by which all things are made new and even “the dead are raised up” (Luke 7:22). Do not be offended by the cross, therefore, but let your life be one of prayer and thanksgiving (Luke 7:23; Philippians 4:6).

One of the hymns for this week I have been playing over and over again.  I have played it for wanting the words to fill my ears and for pondering over it being an Advent hymn.  And yet I recognize forgiveness as being how we, in our miserable condition, can even being to wait for Christ's coming.

Comfort, Comfort Ye My People

"Comfort, comfort ye My people, speak ye peace," thus saith our God;

"Comfort those who sit in darkness, mourning  'neath their sorrows' load.

Speak ye to Jerusalem of the peace that waits for them;

Tell her that her sins I cover and her warfare now is over."

Yea, her sins and our God will pardon, blotting out each dark misdeed;

All that well deserve His anger He no more will see or head.

She hath suffered many a day, Now her griefs have passed away;

God will change her pining sadness into everspringing gladness.

Hark, the herald's voice is crying in the desert fare and near,

Calling sinners to repentance, since the Kingdom no is here.

O that warning cry obey!  Now prepare for God away;

Let the valleys rise to meet Him and the hills bow down to greet Him.

Make ye straight what long was crooked; make the rougher places plain.

Let your hearts be true and humble, as befits His holy reign.

For the glory of the Lord now o'er earth is shed abroad,

And all flesh shall see the token that His word is never broken.

(LSB 347)


I am so blessed, so very blessed by the hymns Pastor records for me, which I can now pass on to others so that we can learn them and sing them together. Last night, I was talking to Pizza Man on his way home from work as I took Kashi for his walk.  When he got home, before he started working on his verbal report for the congressional meeting today, he sang a hymn with me, one that we have learned because of the audio clips:  Lo!  He Comes with Clouds Descending.  

He comes.  Oh, He comes!

Pastor's sermon from today....

Jesu Juva

“The Gift of New Life”
Text: Luke 3:1-14 (Malachi 3:1-7b)

Grace, mercy, and peace to you from God our Father, and from our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. Amen.

There are some people in this world that you simply cannot ignore. Try as you might, they just keep coming back, they keep confronting you, they keep putting themselves in your mind. In our world, at this time of the year, it’s advertisers who try to do that so you will buy stuff from them. In the Church, it’s John the Baptist. Only he doesn’t want you to buy anything - he wants you to repent. For, John knows, there is no other way to prepare for Jesus’ coming, no other method, no other program. And so while we are in the throes of so many preparations for Christmas, John has come to preach to you and me and all the world: don’t just prepare for the holiday - prepare for your Saviour. And John will not be ignored!

That’s how it was when he first arrived on the scene too. St. Luke told us today that after “the Word of God came to John the son of Zechariah in the wilderness,” he then “went into all the region around the Jordan, proclaiming a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins.” He went into all the region – he didn’t want to miss any parts. He went around the whole region of the Jordan, and, I imagine, he showed up in many places more than once. For he was the messenger of the Lord come to prepare the way for the Lord, as we heard from the prophet Malachi . . . and he took his job seriously. This was what he was born for. This is the Word he had been waiting to proclaim ever since leaping for joy in the womb of his mother Elizabeth.

And, in fact, so persistent was John in his proclamation that King Herod arrested him and threw him in prison to try to shut him up! But even there John continued to preach his message of repentance, only finally being silenced when he was beheaded. And now he’s back for you.

And if he were here today, John would be the one knocking on your door as you’re putting up your Christmas tree. He’d be the one following you around the mall as you’re buying your gifts. His would be the card you receive that said not “Peace on Earth,” but “Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is near.” And he would not stop until you dealt with him. You may not like him, but he will not let you ignore him. . . . And his message to you would simply be this: Repent. Because if you do not want to repent, then you do not really want to celebrate Christmas.

Now, that sounds like a pretty strong statement to make, but it’s true nevertheless. For if we do not want to repent, there is no reason to celebrate Christmas. Rudolph, Frosty, the Grinch, Scrooge, George Bailey, one horse open sleighs, and the “spirits of the season” can only take you so far. The hymns and songs and carols we like so much begin to grow tiresome even before Christmas. And for some, “the most wonderful time of the year” can be the loneliest time of the year, or the costliest time of the year, or even the angriest time of the year.

And so it is exactly into these wildernesses – our wildernesses – that John the Baptist again comes. Not as the anti-Christmas, but to help us celebrate Christmas. John is not about what we want Christmas to be, but about what Christmas is. He is about real life, messy life, difficult life. Because Christmas is about real life. About your real, messy, difficult life, and about the real life that lay in the manger, in the midst of this messy, difficult world.

And so John the Baptist is back today, still, to “Prepare the way of the Lord, mak[ing] his paths straight. Every valley shall be filled, and every mountain and hill shall be made low, and the crooked shall become straight, and the rough places shall become level ways.” . . . Think about those things for a moment, what is being said there. It is not geography that is really being talked about there, but the reality of your sin. Your sin which keeps digging you in deeper. Your sin which makes mountains out of molehills. Your sin which twists and perverts the words and motives and acts of others, and assumes the worst. Your sin which seeks to serve self while making the ways of others rough and difficult. This is the geography of your sin. This is your doing.

But our Lord has come to fill those valleys of sin that we dig – to fill them with His own flesh and blood. He has come to level those mountains of sin that we erect – to smash them with His Law. He has come to straighten all that we pervert and twist with the straight talk and truth of His Word. He has come to smooth what we have made rough, through His love and forgiveness.

And so repent, John says. Repent and turn to the One who does such wondrous things. For you see, John’s message is twofold - yes, he preaches repentance, but even more, he points to the One to whom we confess and in whom there is the forgiveness of sins. And so with the hand of the Law he points at us, but with the hand of the Gospel he points us to Christ: our God made flesh for us. Our God wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in the manger. Our God who grew up in the household of Mary and Joseph in Nazareth. Our God who stood side-by-side with us sinners and was baptized for us as one of us. Our God who lived in our wilderness for a while. Our God who was tempted in every way like us, and so knows the temptations that we face. Our God who was ridiculed and made fun of, and called demon-possessed. Our God who went to the cross for us. Who suffered and died for your sins, and then rose from the dead for you. Look! John says, behold the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world.

For Jesus did not come to provide us with a holiday, but with a holy day, that all our days be not “merry and bright,” but holy and right. That we live a new life. Not the same old life with Sunday clothes or Christmas clothes on, but a new life. A resurrection life. A life of faith, a life of forgiveness, a life of love.

And so again today, John the Baptist is knocking on your head and your heart. It’s his job. For he wants you to celebrate Christmas. And so he is pointing you to the Christ. And you celebrate the Christ not by trying to hold the baby in the manger in your arms and “have Him in your heart,” but by being held by Him in His heart and in His nail-pierced hands. You celebrate not by trying to wash and feed Him (as if you could!), but by being washed by Him at His font and fed by Him at His altar. You celebrate not by trying to speak to Him, but by hearing Him speak to you in His Word. And when that happens, its Christmas – not one day, but every day. The Word made flesh, coming to you, that you receive His gift of forgiveness and life.

And that you might receive that gift, that is why John the Baptist comes. Yes, his message is pretty harsh and strong. Yes, he himself was a bit of an eccentric. And yes, none of us likes to be told we’re sinners and need to repent, and we’d like to ignore him and jump right to the joy of Christmas. But if the world teaches us anything, it is that jumping right to the joy of Christmas is jumping to a joy that does not last. And so John comes, to help you out. To show you a better way and joy, a lasting way and joy. And through the Word proclaimed today, his voice continues to be “the voice crying in [this] wilderness,” the voice calling us to repentance and faith, until that voice is no longer needed, when the God who came first as a child in flesh and blood in a manger will return in the same flesh and blood on the clouds in glory at the end of time.

Until then, John’s back, and it’s good that he is. Do not change the channel, close the door, or ignore his call. Listen to him. Repent, and receive the gift of God: the Word made flesh, and the forgiveness and life that He has come to give to you.

In the Name of the Father and of the (+) Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Now the peace of God which passes all understanding, keep your hearts and minds through faith in Christ Jesus, our Lord.  Amen.

Wednesday night was another asthma attack.  Cold and lonely ER again.

I slept a few hours Thursday morning, worked for a few hours, came home and slept again, and then finished my day.  I felt wrong, as if the sky was green and the grass blue.  Today, I stayed home, though I did work some this afternoon.  Mostly, I slept.

And I read Kleinig:

As Christians, we all experienced the power of God's Word in us as a word of judgment and salvation.  Its impact on our conscience is described most vividly is Hebrews 4:12-13:

For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.  And no creature is hidden from His sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of Him to whom we must give account.

As we meditate on God's Word, we stand spiritually naked before God and in His sight.  His Word puts us face-to-face with Him.  That Word penetrates and exposes the secret reaches of our hearts; it lays us bare before God and holds us accountable to Him.  But, best of all, it does all this so that it can give us life and do its work in us.

Martin Luther explains the power of meditation on God's Word most memorably in a sermon that he preached on Christmas Day in 1519.  There he speaks about "sacramental" meditation on the Gospels and their stories about Jesus:

"All the words and stories of the gospels are sacraments of a kind, sacred signs by which God works in believers what the histories signify.  Just as baptism is the sacrament by which God restores us; just as absolution is the sacrament by which God forgives sins, so the words of Christ are sacraments through which he works salvation.  Hence the gospel is to be taken sacramentally, that is, the words of Christ need to be meditated on as symbols through which that righteousness, power, and salvation is given which these words themselves portray....We meditate properly on the gospel, when we do so sacramentally, for through faith the words produce what they portray.  Christ was born; believe that he was born for you and you will be born again.  Christ conquered death and sin; believe that he conquered them for you and you will conquer them."

When Luther speaks of the words of Christ as sacraments, he is not using the term in its narrow sense, but more broadly as a divine enactment, a sacred sign that conveys what it signifies.  Neither God's Word by itself nor faith in itself produces the kind of meditation that God desires.  Rather, meditation is the exercise of faith in Christ and His performative Word, for faith receives what Christ gives to use through His Word.  We receive, as we believe.

We can best see how this kind of sacramental meditation works from Luther's instruction on how to read a story in the Gospels.  He gives this helpful advice in his 1521 pamphlet "A Brief Instruction on What to Look for and Expect in the Gospels":

"When you open the book containing the gospels and read or hear how Christ comes here or there, or how someone is brought to him, you should therein perceive the sermon or the gospel through which he is coming to you, or you are being brought to him.  For the preaching of the gospel is nothing else than Christ coming to us, or we being brought to him.  When you see how he works, however, and how he helps everyone to whom he comes or who is brought to him, then rest assured that faith is accomplishing this in you and that he is offering your soul exactly the same sort of help and favor through the gospel.  If you pause here and let him do you good, that is, if you believe that he benefits and helps you, then you really have it.  Then Christ is yours, presented to you as a gift." (100-102)

Selah.

He comes.  He comes to us.

What an Advent lesson there is in Kleinig's and Luther's words!

• The power of the Living Word.  
• Christ comes to us.  
• He is our gift. 
  

Do not all those seasonal sales out there now seem so insignificant?

When I have one of my cold spells, I sometimes crawl beneath my arctic weight comforter and shiver uncontrollably until the pocket of warmth my body creates finally warms me up.

I happen to think Absolution is something like that.  Perhaps my heart should immediately leap with joy at hearing the words of Christ's forgiveness spoken over me.  It probably should.  But, for me, those words fill my ears and then slowly soak into my heart.

Today, Pastor met me in the parking lot, making do with the limited time I have to do the confession/abolution liturgy with me.

Before he started, I asked him to sing the Agnes Dei from the Divine Service 3 (LSB 198) to me:

Behold the Lamb of God 

that takes away the sin of the world

have mercy upon us.

Behold the Lamb of God 

that takes away the sin of the world

have mercy upon us.

Behold the Lamb of God 

that takes away the sin of the world

grant us Thy peace.

Amen.

And then I read Psalm 143

    Hear my prayer, O LORD,
         Give ear to my supplications!
         Answer me in Your faithfulness, in Your righteousness!
    And do not enter into judgment with Your servant,
         For in Your sight no man living is righteous.
    For the enemy has persecuted my soul;
         He has crushed my life to the ground;
         He has made me dwell in dark places, like those who have long been dead.
    Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me;
         My heart is appalled within me.
    I remember the days of old;
         I meditate on all Your doings;
         I muse on the work of Your hands.
    I stretch out my hands to You;
         My soul longs for You, as a parched land. Selah.
    Answer me quickly, O LORD, my spirit fails;
        Do not hide Your face from me,
         Or I will become like those who go down to the pit.
    Let me hear Your lovingkindness in the morning;
         For I trust in You;
         Teach me the way in which I should walk;
         For to You I lift up my soul.
    Deliver me, O LORD, from my enemies;
         I take refuge in You.
    Teach me to do Your will,
         For You are my God;
         Let Your good Spirit lead me on level ground.
    For the sake of Your name, O LORD, revive me
         In Your righteousness bring my soul out of trouble.
    And in Your lovingkindness, cut off my enemies
         And destroy all those who afflict my soul,
         For I am Your servant.

During the liturgy, what I found most remarkable was that, when I spoke of something that has been burdening me for years, something I have feared greatly speaking aloud to Pastor, his first response was that he once did the same, too.  He sometimes tells me that he has never heard a confession of sin that he has not, in some way, struggled with himself, that all Christians struggle with sin and faith, no matter what they say or how they look from the outside.  He then told me, before the actual words of absolution at the end, he told me that...even so...I am forgiven.  My act may haunt me, may linger in my shame and regret and repentance, but, to Christ, it never happened.  For I am forgiven.

Some of his words of comfort and instruction were helpful, some I struggle to understand.  But I am so very thankful for his pastoral care.

Several people noticed the marked difference in me between the last two days and this afternoon and asked where I had been at lunch.  One even joked it appeared that I got lucky.  Not knowing what to say, I merely smiled.  You know what I kept thinking?  Not merely that I am baptized, but that I am forgiven.  Would that I walked in that more.

So much of the refining fire in which I am walking has not changed and I am still very upset and hurt by that email, but there is joy in sorrow, there is a peace that simply does not make sense in this world.

I had a list of hymns that I wanted Pastor to sing when the liturgy was done, but he had time for just one, so I chose the following.  It is a beautiful hymn, both melody and lyrics, bringing such hope and such light that no darkness can possibly remain beneath the fall of those words from our lips, the taste of His mercy and grace upon our tongues.

Having someone sing over you, giving voice to the wonder and praise and gifts of God, is truly food for the soul and balm for the spirit.

Lo! He Comes with Clouds Descending

Lo! He comes with clouds descending,

Once for ev'ry sinner slain;

Thousand thousand saints attending 

Swelling the triumph of His train:

Alleluia, alleluia, alleluia!

Christ the Lord returns to reign.

Ev'ry eye shall now behold Him

Robed in glorious majesty;

Those who set at naught and sold Him,

Pierced and nailed Him to the tree,

Deeply wailing, deeply wailing, deeply wailing,

Shall their true Messiah see.

Those dear tokens of His passion

Still His dazzling body bears,

Cause of endless exultation

To His ransomed worshipers.

With what rapture, with what rapture, with what rapture

Gaze we on those glorious scars!

Yea, amen, let all adore Thee,

High on Thine eternal throne;

Savior, take the pow'r and glory,

Claim the kingdom as Thine own.

Alleluia, alleluia, alleluia!  

Thou shalt reign, and Thou alone!

(LSB 336)

Bad day.  No bones about it.

I struggled this whole day to swallow the less than desirable at work, to not think about that email, to not sorrow over longing for the Lord's Supper that I have missed the past two Sundays, to not grieve over bible study that I have missed the same, to not stare at the bruises still faint upon my face.  I struggled and failed miserably, darting out for gas mid day, for gas and a chance to let go the tears I had been holding inside.

I cried for hours when I got home, even after talking to Pastor.  I had called Bettina earlier and asked that she play Scrabble with me, that she slaughter me and play all sorts of brilliant words.  I couldn't play for a while, but eventually did.  She won, but she helped me play a few good words, and I did play igneous all on my own, which then led to us looking up rock information online.  I love that she is brilliant. I love that she is curious.  I love that she took the time to tell me also of sedimentary and metamorphic rock (I struggled with the latter) in the middle of the game.  She is like that.

During the game, I did rather recklessly drink a Dr. Pepper with lemon, but I ate some beef jerky hoping that was enough to offset the sugar.  We shall see.

The nausea and hair loss and cold spells are better, now that I stopped the medication that seemed to be in conflict with my thyroid medication.  I am still nauseous.  Tonight, I have the heat set at roaring furnace because of a chill.  And, much to my sadness, not a shower goes by without more hair piling up on the side of the tub.  But it is better.  Markedly so.

Some days, I think about just shaving my head, so much do I hate what is happening, but I keep hoping that, somehow, the scalp view I currently have will be the worst, that I will have some hair left while the rest grows back in.  I know that many still cannot tell, but I can. And I now have a second Ziploc bag since the first is filled.

I think I am moving past the trials and another comes.  And another.  I am very, very tired.  I read and read and read the Living Word. I study the Book of Concord and Walther and Kleinig.  I pray, for others at least.  I pray and read Stark's Prayer Book and I sing hymns.  I sing hymns and set several ones Pastor recorded for me on repeat, such as From God Can Nothing Move Me, Abide with Me, Speak O Lord Your Servant Listens, To God the Holy Spirit We Pray, and I Leave All Things to His Direction.  With the latter hymn, I fill my ears because I wish for it to be true; I wish to trust more, to be able to walk confidently in His mercy and grace no matter what is happening around me.  Alas, I fail miserably at doing so.

One of the ways which Pastor has cared for me, at times, is to email me prayers.  At first, he would send me ones he prayed for me, so that I would know that he prayed and what he prayed.  Once he even texted me a prayer; I like to think he did so that I could have it with me throughout the day.  But then he sent me a prayer he wrote for me to pray.  And an another.  In them, he laid bare the contents of my heart before God, but wrapped them in Gospel, teaching me how I should pray for myself, showing me that it is okay to feel as I feel, to share such with God, but share certain of His love for me, His grace, His mercy.

I told Bettina about the one below. I told her so that I could read it to her.  I read it to her so that I might learn to pray it.  Until that time, Pastor recorded it for me so that I could pray it with him.  Such is pastoral care....

O God, help me! I know not where else to turn.
I look at myself and all I see is my sin, my failure, my unworthiness.
My prayers feel like lies.
How can I pray?
Yet you have commanded us to pray, and so I will pray.
Help me!
Give me the peace and joy that I lack.
Give me the hope and love that I lack.
Give me the faith and trust that I lack.
Help me when I see my unworthiness to look to the cross of Your Son, and see there how much You love me!
Even though I am unlovable.
Forgive me for Jesus’ sake.
All my sins. They are so great.
But Your love is greater! Greater than I can imagine.
Help me this day.
Help me see Your hand at work.
Lead me in the ways I should go this day and every day.
Give me Your Spirit, and restore Your struggling, fearful, helpless child.
For yes, I am Your child.
You baptized me!
It’s true.
Lord, I believe! Help my unbelief.
Help me.
Help me.
In Jesus’ name. Amen.


I long to pray this truly.  I long for my life to be the testimony of the words of the hymn below.  I grieve that it is not....  I am baptized.  God does bring laughter after weeping, especially with Bettina and with Pizza Man.  There is joy in sorrow in His infinite mercy.  Would that I walked more in Christian resignation.  May what pleases God in my life, please me.

I Leave All Things to His Direction

I leave all things to His direction;

He loves me both in joy and woe.

His will is good, sure His affection

His tender love is pure, I know.

My fortress and my rock is He:

What pleases God, that pleases me.

God knows what must be done to save me;

His love for me will never cease.

Upon His hands He did engrave me

With purest gold of loving grace.

His will supreme must ever be:

What pleases God, that pleases me.

My God desires the soul's salvation;

My soul He, too, desires to save.

Therefore with Christian resignation

All earthly troubles I will brave.

His will be done eternally:  

What pleases God, that pleases me.

My God had all things in His keeping;

He is the ever faithful friend.

He gives me laughter after weeping,

And all His ways in blessings end.

His love endures eternally: 

What pleases God, that pleases me.

(LSB 719)