I happen to think Absolution is something like that. Perhaps my heart should immediately leap with joy at hearing the words of Christ's forgiveness spoken over me. It probably should. But, for me, those words fill my ears and then slowly soak into my heart.
Today, Pastor met me in the parking lot, making do with the limited time I have to do the confession/abolution liturgy with me.
Before he started, I asked him to sing the Agnes Dei from the Divine Service 3 (LSB 198) to me:
Behold the Lamb of God
that takes away the sin of the world
have mercy upon us.
Behold the Lamb of God
that takes away the sin of the world
have mercy upon us.
Behold the Lamb of God
that takes away the sin of the world
grant us Thy peace.
Amen.
And then I read Psalm 143
Hear my prayer, O LORD,
Give ear to my supplications!
Answer me in Your faithfulness, in Your righteousness!
And do not enter into judgment with Your servant,
For in Your sight no man living is righteous.
For the enemy has persecuted my soul;
He has crushed my life to the ground;
He has made me dwell in dark places, like those who have long been dead.
Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me;
My heart is appalled within me.
I remember the days of old;
I meditate on all Your doings;
I muse on the work of Your hands.
I stretch out my hands to You;
My soul longs for You, as a parched land. Selah.
Answer me quickly, O LORD, my spirit fails;
Do not hide Your face from me,
Or I will become like those who go down to the pit.
Let me hear Your lovingkindness in the morning;
For I trust in You;
Teach me the way in which I should walk;
For to You I lift up my soul.
Deliver me, O LORD, from my enemies;
I take refuge in You.
Teach me to do Your will,
For You are my God;
Let Your good Spirit lead me on level ground.
For the sake of Your name, O LORD, revive me
In Your righteousness bring my soul out of trouble.
And in Your lovingkindness, cut off my enemies
And destroy all those who afflict my soul,
For I am Your servant.
Give ear to my supplications!
Answer me in Your faithfulness, in Your righteousness!
And do not enter into judgment with Your servant,
For in Your sight no man living is righteous.
For the enemy has persecuted my soul;
He has crushed my life to the ground;
He has made me dwell in dark places, like those who have long been dead.
Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me;
My heart is appalled within me.
I remember the days of old;
I meditate on all Your doings;
I muse on the work of Your hands.
I stretch out my hands to You;
My soul longs for You, as a parched land. Selah.
Answer me quickly, O LORD, my spirit fails;
Do not hide Your face from me,
Or I will become like those who go down to the pit.
Let me hear Your lovingkindness in the morning;
For I trust in You;
Teach me the way in which I should walk;
For to You I lift up my soul.
Deliver me, O LORD, from my enemies;
I take refuge in You.
Teach me to do Your will,
For You are my God;
Let Your good Spirit lead me on level ground.
For the sake of Your name, O LORD, revive me
In Your righteousness bring my soul out of trouble.
And in Your lovingkindness, cut off my enemies
And destroy all those who afflict my soul,
For I am Your servant.
During the liturgy, what I found most remarkable was that, when I spoke of something that has been burdening me for years, something I have feared greatly speaking aloud to Pastor, his first response was that he once did the same, too. He sometimes tells me that he has never heard a confession of sin that he has not, in some way, struggled with himself, that all Christians struggle with sin and faith, no matter what they say or how they look from the outside. He then told me, before the actual words of absolution at the end, he told me that...even so...I am forgiven. My act may haunt me, may linger in my shame and regret and repentance, but, to Christ, it never happened. For I am forgiven.
Some of his words of comfort and instruction were helpful, some I struggle to understand. But I am so very thankful for his pastoral care.
Several people noticed the marked difference in me between the last two days and this afternoon and asked where I had been at lunch. One even joked it appeared that I got lucky. Not knowing what to say, I merely smiled. You know what I kept thinking? Not merely that I am baptized, but that I am forgiven. Would that I walked in that more.
So much of the refining fire in which I am walking has not changed and I am still very upset and hurt by that email, but there is joy in sorrow, there is a peace that simply does not make sense in this world.
I had a list of hymns that I wanted Pastor to sing when the liturgy was done, but he had time for just one, so I chose the following. It is a beautiful hymn, both melody and lyrics, bringing such hope and such light that no darkness can possibly remain beneath the fall of those words from our lips, the taste of His mercy and grace upon our tongues.
Having someone sing over you, giving voice to the wonder and praise and gifts of God, is truly food for the soul and balm for the spirit.
Lo! He Comes with Clouds Descending
Lo! He comes with clouds descending,
Once for ev'ry sinner slain;
Thousand thousand saints attending
Swelling the triumph of His train:
Alleluia, alleluia, alleluia!
Christ the Lord returns to reign.
Ev'ry eye shall now behold Him
Robed in glorious majesty;
Those who set at naught and sold Him,
Pierced and nailed Him to the tree,
Deeply wailing, deeply wailing, deeply wailing,
Shall their true Messiah see.
Those dear tokens of His passion
Still His dazzling body bears,
Cause of endless exultation
To His ransomed worshipers.
With what rapture, with what rapture, with what rapture
Gaze we on those glorious scars!
Yea, amen, let all adore Thee,
High on Thine eternal throne;
Savior, take the pow'r and glory,
Claim the kingdom as Thine own.
Alleluia, alleluia, alleluia!
Thou shalt reign, and Thou alone!
(LSB 336)
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