I am sponsoring a contest.  The winner can have a hymn recording or a passage of scripture of your choosing.  The challenge?  How many ladybugs do you see in this photo?

Here are my green walls, or rather one of them.  The other is the purple my boss insisted on for the wall she would see most when sitting in the chair across from my desk.

I must admit that I do find myself more cheerful when entering my office at least.  However, there was a bit of a brouhaha over my new walls during the senior management meeting.  One of the directors observed I seemed to really enjoy them.  So, after the meeting there was field trip for those who had not yet gazed upon their green glory.  My boss did not care for the attention I received.  She was livid in fact. 

It is very hard to play the role of idiot, whipping boy, social pariah, and slave all at once.  My boss was so ugly that another person in our department wanted to up and quit today over how I am being treated.  But with no human resources person and a CEO not interested in dealing with my boss or the less-than-kosher doings, I have no escape save unemployment.  For God has not brought another vocation opportunity my way.

My heart is weary from last week's emotional storm, my sort-of-lashing-out at Pastor, practically sending my new friend to hell figuratively speaking, losing Jesus (the crucifix), having another person seemingly made at me, and dealing with an angry, spiteful boss. 

It did not help matters that I tried to pick up a box of paper and keeled over.

Unfortunately, I also came home to a notice of a certified letter.  As an adult, such have never been good. I am very worried about whatever battle will be before me in the morning.  Oh, how I wish that I had someone who could pick it up, look at the sender, and let me know if I should dare look at it.

I did have three calls from Pizza Man today that made me feel good because a) I was not bugging him and his lovely bride and b) he needed my help!  Shocking, I know.  Still, I dusted off my editing skills and hacked away.  Then, I started working on the revisions for the church projects I am tackling at the moment, with hymns blaring in the background. 

Two more days until I can sleep the clock round.  SIGH.

If losing Jesus was some sort of sign, what does Pizza Man and his bride finding Jesus for me?  How great His mercy is to me!

~~~~
My new friend and Pastor both see God's mercy and goodness in her brokenness.  She is thankful that I am helping her read the Book of Concord and has even passed my recordings on to another.  I am confused.  But the one thing I do know about God is that He is an expert at crafting good out of evil, at turning sorrow into joy.   And the Law is always good.  The Law is love.  The Law is perfect.  Though I still am troubled by what I truly feel was thoughtlessness on my part, I do rejoice with her that she can see His loving hand throughout and that she has not been scared away from the riches found in the pure teaching of the Book of Concord. 

~~~~
Someone emailed me about Stark's Prayer on Mercy I posted, asking if I found written prayers somewhat hollow.  In short: no, I do not.

I admit now, as I have before, that I heartily miss the fellowship of what I have heard Lutherans term spontaneous prayer with fellow Christians.  Oh, how I miss coming before my Lord and Savior with my brothers and sisters as we praise and thank Him for His work and lift up those around us, speaking the words from our hearts and our faith.  So often when Pastor is praying the collect and other prayers written before me I want to join it, but it is not my turn, not my place.  It is NOT that Lutherans do not do the same.  In truth, I sometimes wonder if their private piety of prayer is not more honest than most of what I have often shared with other Christians.  And praying the Litany, the Prayer on Wednesday from the Treasury of Daily Prayer, and Psalm 136 with other Christians has brought such rich fellowship.  [Sometimes I think I ask others to pray those three prayers with me too much.]  But I have worshiped through spontaneous prayer with others and I miss it.  I truly do. 

However, as I have written before, here and elsewhere, one of my favorite parts of the Treasury of Daily Prayer is the collection of daily prayers (the purple ribbon section). Coming only recently to Lutheranism, I am simply not accustomed to written prayers.  In truth, I supposed them kind of suspect, cold and perhaps out of date.  However, I now revel in the heritage of faith that permeates many of the ones I’ve encountered. And I find comfort in having the words of my heart, ones I cannot form on my own, fall from my lips because someone else has prayed them for me.

In the Treasury, I found these prayers difficult to pray at first…thinking so much about why they were there, why they were chosen, what they should be representing to me. But then I stopped thinking and simply allowed the words to fill my ears.

Thursday, I sorrow for my arrogance and hunger even more for His gifts. Monday I marvel how He cares for us and works in a world that has lost sight of the beauty of His Bride. Saturday I cry for redemption from my sin, for yours, for all sin in the forgiveness of Christ, in the coming Body and Blood. Tuesday, I defeat the wiles of the deceiver beneath the Name that fells him. Friday, I struggle to speak of His passion, knowing well my sin and marvel how great His love for one like me to endure what He did, not merely as a man, but as God, who could have blinked every accuser, every torturer, every taunter off the face of the earth. Yet He chose to stay on that cross!

Each day, the prayers, those spoken just a week ago, are new. They teach me of my faith. They sustain me. They show me how to cling to Christ. But they also are the cry of generations. They are the words of our past, our present, and our future as children of God. To me, they are, in a sense, the Church, and as I pray them, I stand shoulder to shoulder with all those, in all times, who fall before the feet of our High Priest, who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin, so that we may draw near with confidence and receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. A High Priest who loves us enough to remain on the cross and endure being brutally murdered, when it was our agony, our death!

As you have probably guessed, the one I savor most is the Prayer on Wednesday. I see this not only as a prayer for the dying, but also for myself. We are, after all, dying a little every day we age in this fallen world, inexorably moving from our birth to our death. The cry for mercy bespeaks the misery this world offers, yet points repeatedly to the wondrous mercy we have from the Creator, the Redeemer, and the Comforter of all. Whenever I pray this prayer, I feel it is too short, as if I am not ready for it to be over, much as I do praying the Litany and Psalm 136. This is more so when I have the opportunity to pray it with others. The ending I could recite all evening and never tire.

Christ the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world, have mercy upon us.

Christ the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world, have mercy upon us.

Christ the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world, grant them your peace.

O Christ, hear us.
O Lord, have mercy.
O Christ, have mercy.
O Lord, have mercy.
Amen.

Holy Lord God, holy and mighty God, holy and most merciful Redeemer; God eternal, leave us not to bitter death. Lord, have mercy.

Holy Lord God, holy and mighty God, holy and most merciful Redeemer; God eternal, allow us not to lose hope in the face of death and hell. Lord, have mercy.

Holy Lord God, holy and mighty God, holy and most merciful Redeemer; God eternal, keep us steadfast in the true faith. Lord, have mercy. Amen.

You might have possibly noticed that on rare occasions it could be argued that I have a slight tendency to make more out of something than I perhaps should. I do not know as to the veracity of such an observation, but I can say that I have struggled all day because I feel like I lost Jesus.

A while ago, Pastor asked if the cross my godmother gave me upon my public confession was a crucifix. He had been thinking that perhaps it would be better to wear one than have one on my wall, a stronger comfort to me. My first thought was pretty much absolute rejection of his idea, though I worked to be kind about it. Personally, I thought I would ponder more on my sin should I wear a crucifix than the forgiveness Christ hanging on the cross represents. But Sunday I wondered, since he hasn't really steered me wrong yet, if I should reconsider his idea.

I had a crucifix amongst a collection of crosses from my grandmother and thought that, while I did not have a chain for it, I could put it on a gold clasp bracelet I wear every day. The cross I now wear comes from that same collection and was on that bracelet. I choose the cross because it is quite heavy and I find comfort in the weight of it about my neck. Even if I cannot see it, I can feel it.

So, I placed the crucifix on the bracelet and well...found myself looking at it quite a bit. However, in mere hours, I have lost it. I lost Jesus. It was on my wrist as I left for the nooner bible study. It was gone when I returned to my desk. So disturbed am I about the loss and how it feels my boss actually allowed me to go home, crawl into my pajamas, and finish my work from the couch...probably so I could grieve/wallow in private. She wasn't even there and my mindset bothered her.

Although, perhaps it is the crucifix and my colossal blunder that is weighing me down.

For I have this especial talent for doing the wrong thing when trying to do the right one. A new friend from church mentioned the Book of Concord a few times and I thought that I would help her start reading it by making audio clips for her. I read aloud the two introductions, the First Commandment, the appendix to the First Commandment, and some Myrtle commentary.

Now, think back upon which I have been blogging of late (hint, hint...Walther) then, too, you will understand my crime. For I did not give my friend Gospel when I handed her the Law. I revel in Luther's teaching and have gained so much by studying the Book of Concord. This confession of faith offers pure teaching of the Living Word. Nothing...nothing can be better than that. But the Law crushes. Its burden is simply too great without the Gospel. I know this full well, my tears spilling before Pastor so frequently, my anguish spilled out here so often. How...how in the world could I not warn her, support her, help her read the instruction with its proper division?

She called me sobbing. I fumbled my way through reminding her of the sweet, sweet Gospel and that she is not alone in her anguish. Luther himself was crushed beneath its weight, and he wrote the very words she was reading! When I hung up the phone with her, I was so very worried that I called and awoke Pastor so that he could pray. I tried, but I was, am still, so very overwhelmed at my blunder.  I did stay up for the rest of the night trying to cover her in prayer and stewing in my own stupidity.

After having woken up Pastor to beg him to pray for his parishioner I had just hurt through my thoughtlessness, he decided to not prepare the next Psalm for the nooner today and instead give us all a refresher lessoning on Law and Gospel, combining the bible, the Book of Concord, the Treasury of Daily Prayer (November 4th writing), and his graphic that I posted here about how there are no end-runs around the cross with God since I came armed with many copies of it, including bookmarks!  [I was so very surprised when I walked in, though he had called my new friend to tell her what he had in mind.]  I added a bit of Walther since I was feeling so guilty having just spent two days blogging about the sixth evening lecture and how I can get so crushed by my sin it's hard to remember the Gospel...then to turn around and give someone only Law.

I relish reading the Book of Concord and was delighted to help her discover its joys. Luther is so clear, so compassionate, and so darned resolute.  Coming from churches that taught the bible is full of gray issues when I, myself, secretly believed it was full of black and white absolutes, I find Lutheranism to be most complete. Seriously, one of my favorite bits of the Book of Concord is the article on Original Sin in the Augsburg Confession, a lynch pin where by everything else is held together, especially the most wondrous Objective Grace and the true tipping point for understanding infant baptism. While not quite the Amway salesman, I never lose an opportunity to share something from the Book of Concord, tout the benefits of the Treasury of Daily Prayer, or extol the wonders of the Psalter now that I am learning to pray it. But, oh my, can Luther spin out the spirit of the Law from its letter to such a degree you realize that you cannot even keep a mote of it...and in not doing so, all you've offered God is stench, filth, and dishonor.

I've spent hours sobbing with Pastor as I struggled with the law bits and had to have him patiently remind me but you're forgiven, Myrtle, since the forgiveness I had been previously taught was forgiveness that is in the past at the cross and for my "fire insurance," not for here, today, in this very moment. I should have remembered to start her off with a warning and given her a very large copy of that graphic to use as a bookmark.

I did ask that we start the nooner with a hymn, though I admit I had hoped it would be one I know instead a new one. Selfish of me, I know. It was better that Pastor chose the chief hymn for Sunday, because singing hymns together is not about Myrtle, it is about praising God together. At the end of the nooner, we finished up with the close of the noon office of prayer and Pastor substituted Stark's prayer for mercy for the collect.  I admit that I could listen to that prayer many, many more times.

Disregarding the time, I stayed afterward to let my new friend know how sorry I was and how glad I was that Pastor is such a smart and caring undershepherd to feed us so this day and that I did a much better job in my reading and commentary of the Second Commandment to share the Gospel bits so that she need not fear to try again. I encouraged her to also consider asking Pastor to bless her and to do the confession/absolution liturgy. I told her that she need not enumerate her sins as she feared. Then, fearful I had blundered again, I checked that with Pastor on that part as I was walking out. But almost as he said yes and reminded me of the part of the Large Catechism where Luther teaches such, I remembered Luther's intent was to restore confession/absolution for the Catholics had distorted it so.  The important part is the forgiveness, not listing every possible sin you have done.

So, still shaking inside, I walked to the car deep in thought.  Back at my desk, all I could think about was my new friend and how much I stink at being a Lutheran, being a friend, and trying to help.  The crucifix, or rather Pastor's suggestion about why I should wear a crucifix, flitted through my mind so I raised my wrist to look at it, wondering if doing so would remind me of Gospel, only to discover that I had lost Jesus.

I know it must sound silly, but I am truly disturbed that I lost that crucifix in mere hours.  Yes, it bothers me I lost my grandmother's cross.  But more so because it was not merely a piece of jewelry to me.  It was a small symbol of trying to understand Gospel, trying to live beneath the cross instead of in the stain of the fruit.  

If I cannot hold onto it, how can I cling to Christ?  Could I not hold onto it because my attempt to help a fellow Lutheran was nothing short of disastrous?  Did l lose more than jewelry? 

I awoke with more nausea, suffered through Sunday school, and thought about leaving.  But then I thought about the paralytic being carried to hear the Gospel.  So, I pasted a smile on my face, waited until the processional was past, and laid down in the pew.  I spewed more before church, after Sunday school, before the Lord's Supper, afterward the Lord's Supper (that saddens me), after talking with Pastor, and two exits before mine on the way home.  I just do not know why my stomach has bothered me both mornings but started getting better by mid-afternoon.  No fever.  No other gastro or flu or any sort of symptoms save for cold spells and hair loss.  It is as if I am back to square one with the nausea.

I stayed because I fought through my silly fears and shame to be there.  I wanted forgiveness.  I wanted to hear the Gospel. I wanted the body and blood of Christ.  And...Pastor had offered to review the baptismal liturgy with me after church.  Funny man...he is very good at ignoring my ill health if I ask to concentrate what is important. Personally, I think that is one of his kindnesses to me, not making anything of my less-than-normal state and focusing on the things of God I crave. 

To be honest, I had harbored a small hope that in walking through the liturgy I might remember something about that day, but it did not.  I did learn more about the liturgy and hear Pastor again mention individual faith vs. the Church, but I didn't quite understand him and didn't really ask the right sort of follow-up question.  After all, I should save something for my next lessoning, eh? 

You know what I did remember?  That I have lost sight of how magnificent it is to be able to say to satan, to my fears, to my doubts:  But I am baptized!  That should go on Pastor's list of things to remind me....

I thought I might sleep away the afternoon, but the nausea kept me awake, so I returned to Kleinig, with my hymns playing in the background.  Back to the Shema...

The Israelites were called to "hear" that confession of faith, twice each day, as it was recited so that by meditating on it they would "love" the Lord their God completely, with all their "heart" and "soul" and "might" (Deuteronomy 6:4-6).  By take the confession to heart and memorizing it, they would love the Lord with all their "heart."  That confession of faith in the Lord would be far more effective than any lucky charm in providing protection and vitality to their minds.  By reciting it aloud, together with their children in the morning when they got ready for work and in the evening before they went to bed, they would love the Lord with all their "soul," the life-breath in their throats (Deuteronomy 6:7).  Their naming of the Lord and their confession of Him as their God would protect them from all evil in their work and sleep; it would keep them, their children, and their homes holy.  By putting inscriptions of His name on their bodies and by writing in on the entrances of their homes and villages, they would love the Lord with all their "might."  The placement of it on their hands and on their foreheads would bring God's blessing on all that they did and all that they experienced with their bodies.  Their bodies would, as it were, become shrines of the Lord.  The inscription of the Lord's name with the confession of faith in Him on the doors of the homes and the gates to their villages would claim their homes and villages for Him; His blessing would thereby spread out into their families and communities in the Promised Land.  So by naming the Lord in the Shema, the Israelites brought the blessing that they had received from their meeting with Him at the temple into their homes and their daily lives.  Their spirituality was governed by hearing who God was, what He had done for them, and by showing their love and allegiance to Him. (74) 

Do you see the parallels?  By the sign of the cross on my forehead with the water made holy by His Word and the placing of His name on me in baptism and the reception of the Holy Spirit, my body becomes a "shrine" to the Holy One of Israel, the Lord God Almighty.  By tracing the cross on my forehead in his blessing, my undershepherd is, in a sense, again claiming me for Christ.  By speaking aloud the blessing as he does so, he is reminding me of my confession, of who I am.  I the poor, miserable sinner, am a cherished child of Christ upon whom God willingly bestows His grace.

Pastor blessed me before we left the church.  I highly recommend that you ask your pastor to do the same.

Hmmm...I know Pastor has his own confessor for confession/absolution and cherishes every opportunity to also receive forgivenss.  I wonder if pastors also receive blessings??

In any case, you would think from my posts that Kleinig was using the Shema to talk about blessings, but he is actually setting up prayer, though this is still in the first chapter, not the one on prayer that will come later.

Though the Shema does not mention prayer, prayer is a hallmark of Jewish piety.  In the early church, that piety was transformed to include reciting the Lord's Prayer three times a day, along with praying scripture, such as the Psalter.  Later recitations of the creeds were added.

In our lessonings, as I have mentioned, we are slogging through Part III of the Large Catechism on the Lord's Prayer, for my practice and understanding of prayer has been turned upside down by some of what I have read, much of which confuses me.  The latter is why Pastor gave me Bonhoeffer's treatise on Psalms after I mentioned Luther's suggestion to pray the Psalter and why he gave me Kleinig's Grace Upon Grace.  That I struggle to pray for myself is why, yesterday, he not only prayed the prayer on mercy and recorded it for me, but he opened his brand new copy of the updated Stark's Prayer Book, wrote a special inscription, and handed it over to me (he owned it less than a day). 

Something that struck me as I read Kleinig's mention of reciting the Lord's Prayer thrice daily was another Lutheran given:  Lutherans oft first thought of prayer, first prayer on their lips, is the Lord's Prayer.  Yes, I have been in many Protestant churches that recited the Lord's Prayer often if not every week.  But Pizza Man's bride's first thought was of the Lord's Prayer when was I terrified in the exam room and she offered to pray with me.  My godmother did the same in another moment of prayer, as did two other members of the church.  Now, you could say that this is because, as I have observed, prayer seems to be a private piety amongst them and spontaneous prayer is not much a part of public Lutheran prayer.  The rich blessings of the written prayers of the Liturgy and the church father's or more modern ones based on Lutheran heritage such as those from the Treasury of Daily Prayer are generally preferred.  But it is not wholly that.  The Lord's Prayer is truly cherished amongst Lutherans.

It is not only one of the five chief articles of the Christian faith about which Luther taught so passionately and so completely, but The Lord's Prayer was, in fact, his preferred method of prayer.  He'd spend hours praying it, taking each petition and spinning it out to cover all those he loved and the world around him!  Knowing this, I wonder how it came about that the very words of Christ as to proper instruction on how to pray turned into a mere rote recitation to be trotted out from time to time in so very many churches today.

I will admit that Saturdays are not really going as I had envisioned them to be when I asked Pastor to pick back up his catechesis of this admittedly weak sheep of his and to start with prayer.  In fact, if you will remember a while back (June 7th), Pastor preached a most wonderful sermon about Nicodemus and how God drives the conversations of our lives.  I am telling God that I need to know this about prayer.  He is showing me that, in truth, I need to know that.

Although I am not quite learning what distresses me about prayer, I am learning more about the Lord's Prayer than I imagined possible.  Of course, I keep seeing Law, which then Pastor has to point out the accompanying Gospel.  In fact, after reading the second petition, I very adamantly declared to Pastor that I could never pray the Lord's Prayer again, so sinful am I, so wrongly have I prayed those words before.  I am sure he was sighing very deeply inside, but he patiently tried to ferret out the Lie to vanquish it with Truth.  At times I find it to be most hard work.  Still, I have begun to think that I have been terribly nonchalant about this precious gift and have taken for granted something that should be savored and cherished each and every day.  There is a sufficiency in the Lord's Prayer the world has somehow obscured, thinking that we need to chase after other prayers more, such as that of Jabez.  That prayer, too, comes from Scripture, the words of the prayer at least, but the Lord's Prayer comes from the lips of the Son of God, who knows every temptation, every sorrow, every need of His children....

Selah.

Below is Pastor's sermon from this morning.  If you are reading this, I recommend you ask someone to read the sermon to you.  God's Word is meant to be spoken.  Allow it to fall upon your ears so that it may fill your heart.

Jesu Juva

“Divine Endurance”
Text: Hebrews 10:11-25 (Mark 13:1-13; Daniel 12:1-3)

Grace, mercy, and peace to you from God our Father, and from our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. Amen.

Jesus tells us today about the world coming to an end. And it’s quite a horrifying picture. The Temple in Jerusalem will be destroyed, with “not one stone left upon another.” Political upheavals and natural catastrophes will mark this period. Christians will be persecuted by members of their own families and hated by non-Christians. We heard from Daniel that it will be a time of trouble “such as never has been” before. If you’re like me, you hear these things and hope you’re not alive when this all takes place.

Well, I have bad news for you. Even though some will try to interpret these signs and determine how close we are to the end, we have here in these words not a glimpse of a certain time and place in the future, but a picture of the church of all time. For persecution, hatred, trials, and troubles is the lot of the church in an evil and sin-filled world. There never has been a “golden age” of the church and there never will be. The church on earth is ever and always the church militant. The church of the cross under the cross.

But today I also have some good news for you. Actually two bits of good news. First Jesus tells us that exactly in this period of trouble and mass confusion, the Holy Spirit will cause the Gospel to be preached everywhere. And He’s actually going to use the troubles to do so. What satan intends for evil, God will use for good. And second, Jesus also concludes with the promise that the one who endures to the end will be saved. The question is: how do we endure to the end, in the midst of all this trouble? And can we even?

As we look at the church and the world, it is easy to have a crisis of confidence. Things aren’t very good and seem only to be getting worse. Budget shortfalls, lack of growth, theological challenges, and social decay all create uncertainty and discouragement. Some churches give in to the cultural pressures, while others become paralyzed in fear. In either case, the church is no longer salt and light in the world. Instead of boldly confronting the culture with the Gospel, we peak out a hole in the drapes at the world and its troubles, shake our heads, and pray: Come, Lord Jesus! Come quickly.

We are certainly not the first to do this. The book of Hebrews - from which our second reading came - was written as a letter of encouragement to a spiritually discouraged church. It is a letter that teaches us how to endure to the end. It is a letter that reminds us that in the midst of this world of trouble and struggle, we have unlimited supernatural resources at hand. It tells us that we are sitting on a gold mine. For we are not alone in this world - we have Christ Jesus! He is not somewhere up in heaven, just sitting around and planning on coming for us sometime in the future - He is here for us now. Here with all His power, forgiveness, victory, and life. Here to help and strengthen us in our struggles, to take us to His Father, that we endure to the end. On our own, we would never make it. But with Him and in Him, we not only can, we will.

And so if you are feeling a bit weak and vulnerable, a bit discouraged and frightened, a bit puzzled and overwhelmed, repent, for you’ve been relying on yourself. Repent and receive the life and forgiveness of Jesus, your Saviour; the life and forgiveness that is greater than any power in this world; the life and forgiveness that is here for you.

For so the author to the Hebrews wrote: “we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus.” You see, in the Old Testament, that access - access to God -was restricted; severely restricted. Only the priests could enter the holy places in the Temple, and only the High Priest was able to enter the Holy of Holies once a year on the Day of Atonement. And the same holds true now also in the time of the New Testament. By right, only one person has the privilege of unrestricted and open access to God the Father, and that person is Jesus. But now, the author to the Hebrews tells us, through His death, resurrection, and ascension, Jesus has extended His own right of access to you! You now have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus - to come before your Father in heaven with any and every need, knowing that He will treat you as no stranger or intruder, but as His own dear son. And so you come to Him in worship, and you come to His Table, and Jesus’ body and blood puts you physically in touch with God. In touch with the life, forgiveness, and power that you need.

But even though you have such access to God our Father, still you might not come on your own - for who are you to come to God? And so the author continues: “and since we have a great high priest over the house of God.” Again, in the Old Testament, the priests led the worship of God’s people. Under God’s direction, they arranged the meeting between God and His people in the Temple. They were the mediators, to bring the people into the gracious presence of God. Well so too now, in the time of the New Testament, you have this divine assistance - for now Jesus is your great high priest. By His death and resurrection He has arranged your meeting with God in the Divine Service, and leads us in our worship here. In His flesh and blood, He brings the grace of God to us and takes us to into the gracious presence of God, that we hear and receive the Word and gifts of God, His Word and gifts of forgiveness and life.

But even still, we have a problem. For even though we have open access to God our Father and Jesus takes us into His presence, still our conscience condemns and convicts us. You know your sin, you know your failure, you know your unworthiness. You are not as you should be, and your guilty conscience turns and distorts everything He says into disapproval. And so the author goes on again to remind us: “our hearts have been sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water.” Or in other words, you have been baptized! Unlike the priests in the Old Testament, whose bodies were cleansed and sanctified for admission to God’s presence, your heart has also been made clean and holy by Jesus. And so you are pure and blameless before Him - physically, mentally, and spiritually. Jesus has taken all your impurity and hung it on the cross with Himself, so it is no longer on you. You, now, have been given the new life and pure heart of His resurrection, and as Jesus said: “Blessed are the pure in heart - why? - for they shall see God.” (Matt 5:8)

All of that is what makes the Divine Service so awesome, in the true sense of the Word. What is happening here is life-changing. It is the continuing work of Jesus for us, giving us all we need, and keeping us so that we endure to the end. But not just endure, or merely endure, but begin living our eternal life even now. And so the author to the Hebrews spells out what this service of Jesus - His service to us - means for us in our lives. First, he tells us, because of Jesus, we “hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.” It is not that we don’t waver because we are so strong, but because Jesus is so faithful. The result being that in these last days, we are neither dreamily and unrealistically optimistic, nor downcast and pessimistic, but confident in the promises of Christ. Our future as Christians is guaranteed by Him, and worked in us now by His Word and Spirit. And so this we confess to the world.

And then second, the author also says that, because of Jesus, we “consider how to stir up one another to love and good works.” In these last days of trouble and struggle, we need each other to bring out the best in each other; to stir each other up; to be blessings to one another. This too comes from our Saviour as He stirs you here with His Word and good work; as He makes you His saints and gives you a share in His glory; as He makes you citizens of heaven. With all of this given to you, you now live as who you are - children of God in a world of sin and death and workers of good in a world of selfishness as Christ lives in us and we in Him.

And finally, because of Jesus, we do “not neglect to meet together . . . but encourage one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” We meet together here because we need to be here, here in the Divine Service. You need to be here, and we need you here. For to be a Christian is never just an individual, me and Jesus, thing - but a corporate thing, a body of Christ reality, a gift. A gift that in these last days of sore distress, you have a place to stand, and stand not alone. A gift to stand with your fellow sinners made saints, your fellow struggling pilgrims, your brothers and sisters in Christ. Under attack, it is easy to forget who you are. Here, the Word of God comes to you through Word, through Sacrament, and through our common confession, to remind you, establish you, encourage you, and root you in the truth. The truth of Christ. The truth of His forgiveness and life. And all the more do you need this, as you see the Day drawing near.

It won’t be easy. If it were, you wouldn’t need faith, and you wouldn’t need Christ. But having Christ, you have a very powerful enemy in satan, who rages against you and hates you with a perfect hatred. And so we should not expect it to be easy. But in the midst of it all, you have a refuge. A place of shelter from the storms. A Temple not of stones that can be knocked down, but of flesh and bone that can never die. A Saviour who knows your weakness and so is here in strength. To give you hope, to give you confidence, to give you Himself. And in Him you will not just endure to the end, but beyond that - to life everlasting.

How can you be sure? He who promised is faithful. He who promised is the One who rose from the dead. He who promised is Christ our Lord. Who lives and reigns for you, that you may live and reign with Him, forever.

He is the answer. The only answer. Who will never lead you astray.
He is the answer. The only answer. Who will never let you down.
He is the answer. The only answer. That makes the devil flee.
He is the answer. The only answer. Christ, the Lord.

In the Name of the Father and of the (+) Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Now the peace of God which passes all understanding, keep your hearts and minds through faith in Christ Jesus, our Lord.  Amen.

(Thanks to Rev. Dr. David Scaer and Rev. Dr. John Kleinig, from whom I liberally borrowed much for this sermon!)

Last night, Pastor's response to my apology was not only to say he would still come, but to also send me his sermon from Wednesday (see below) and a prayer on mercy.  Pastor W has been working on updating Starck's Prayer Book, and Pastor had just received his in the mail yesterday.

All-loving God, Your mercy has no end, and Your kindness is new each morning. See, I, an afflicted and sorrowful soul, come before Your holy face to pour out the great grief of my heavy heart. My distressful condition and the great misery that has overtaken me are well known to You. My soul is sorrowful; my spirit is in anguish; numberless afflictions surround me. I look around me for helpers, but find none. Some people refuse to give me comfort; others do not know my distress and I do not reveal it to them. But to You, O God, I make complaint with a heart full of grief. I know that You are merciful and moved to pity by our distress. You took pity on the stricken widow weeping for her son. You were moved to compassion when You saw the people who had gathered to hear You and had nothing to eat, and Your compassion went hand in hand with Your mercy and comfort.

And so I come to You and plead: have mercy on me! O God, I am Your creature; do not forsake the work of Your hands. Yes, I am even more: I am also Your child whom You have taken into the arms of Your mercy in Holy Baptism. And so I say to You: O my Father, have compassion on Your poor and forsaken child. My Jesus, I have been bought with Your holy blood; I am Your portion and inheritance, purchased with Your precious blood! I know You will have compassion on Your own. O precious Holy Spirit, bear witness with my spirit that despite all my suffering I am still a child of God. And when I am faint in praying and can hardly put words together any more, You Yourself cry with me: “Abba! Father!”

Behold, I am sinking; reach out Your hand for me! Lord, help me and be at my side! Lord, let Your mercy spread over me and give me cheerfulness of heart! Yes, write upon my heart and constantly cry out to my soul these words: “You are not forsaken. I will have compassion on you. I am with you in your distress. I will deliver you and honor you.” O Lord, according to Your great mercy strengthen my faith, sustain me in my distress, give me each day new strength and fresh ability, so that my faith may not cease, my hope may not sink, and my confidence in You may not grow weak.

You say: “Is Ephraim my dear son? Is he my darling child? For as often as I speak against him, I do earnestly remember him still. Therefore my heart yearns for him; I will surely have mercy on him” (Jeremiah 31:20). Remember me also: You have promised mercy also to me. You have never yet forsaken me. Do not forsake me now! Help Your child who seeks refuge only in Your mercy. (185-186)

Not only did he find this for me, he typed the whole prayer out!  Not only did he pray it with me (more his voice than mine, to be honest) after finishing the large catechism, at the end of the liturgy, he prayed it again, recording it for me.  What is interesting about this prayer for mercy is that there is nothing of the I in this...it is all God.  But, alas, I leap ahead.

Well, with a bit of bossiness, I managed to practically shove Pastor back out the door closer to his goal time than ever before.  Even though I was not completely sure he would come...even though I wanted to somehow do confession/absolution as well as my lessoning...even though I wanted to pray the prayer he found for me...even though I still wanted to do his "food"...even though I still wanted him to read/record a Psalm.  Even though.

With the help of much pacing, extra sticky notes, and the oven timer, we plowed through everything.  I think it helped that the third petition of the Lord's Prayer is not particularly long in instruction nor was there any bits particularly distressing to me.

Because Pastor oft laments that he rarely has a chance to get fed as a pastor, writing passionately about the sermons he does get to hear, I started emailing him "food" that I found from other confessional Lutheran pastors' blogs.  Then, thinking upon how important it is to me to hear the Word aloud, I started reading his food to him instead of emailing it.  I didn't want to skip his food just to squeeze in something else, so I merely started right in and determined that if I went over time later, I would give up something else.  I also have been giving him small prayers based on scripture on sticky notes.  It occurred to me that I should be reading them  aloud, too, before I passed them over to him, so this week I did.  Then, I set the timer for 47 minutes, the time remaining in the first hour to leave a half hour for the confession/absolution liturgy.

What interested me this lessoning was that the petition of "Thy will be done" was filled with all this instruction on how much satan would prowl around us, fighting to destroy us, confuse us, tear us away from God. It struck me that there was no great explanation of how God's will would be done because there is the certitude that since it is God's will, rather than man's, that it will be done.  Nothing to discuss there!  Not might.  Not may.  Will!

[Once more, I wished that I had taken better notes and more notes.  I awoke quite ill this morning and spent several hours spewing my chicken, peanuts, and eggs from last night into the toilet.  When Pastor arrived, I was still shaking and nauseous, but was getting better.  So, not only are my notes less, they are barely legible.] 

Much of the lessoning was Pastor commentating on what we were reading, extending and clarifying the text.  One point he made straight off was that if we honor God at all in our lives, it is because of the Holy Spirit, not because of ourselves.  He also pointed out, the first time Luther talked about satan (the first of many in this section--how well does that man understand anguish, despair, and struggle in the Christian faith) that while satan does drag at our faith and attempt to despoil our lives, he cannot win, he will never win.

He also talked about how the end of the church year, which is closing upon us, is a time to reflect upon the end times.  Knowing that Christians will endure, a remnant will stand firm, we ask ourselves how that might be with all that is foretold about the trials and tribulation to come.  It's hard enough battling satan now.  How much more so will it be then!  Who will, therefore, will stand firm?  The answer is no one.  On our own, we cannot.  In truth, it is God.  He gives Himself, His gifts, and His kingdom so freely to us and it is He who will stand firm in the end. 

The real nugget was the sweet observation that to be "in Christ," a phrase Paul litters through his writing, is not a "works" command.  It is not our work at all; it is Christ's.  So, for me to live in Christ is not for me to be some super godly Christian, but merely to be a Christian, to receive the grace and mercy and peace and forgiveness  that is ours in Christ.

Is not the Gospel sweet?

I guess you would say that I am greedy if I admitted that I wished he had blessed me before he left.  He didn't remember.  I didn't remind him.  I had a sticky note observation about blessings that I had wanted to tell him and that I hoped would be enough of a hint, but he put it in his Book of Concord with the note of the other two Psalms I asked if he could record later when he was talking at one point and I forgot about the note later, though I held out hope for the blessing until the last possible moment.  There is something rather ineffable about an undershepherd of Christ asking God to bestow favor upon His child.  Pastors should do this much, much more...no matter their denomination.

I had hoped to go to my godmother's concert this evening, but my stepmother and father called this morning asking me to dinner.  My father could not complete the question, handing the phone back to my stepmother time and time again as she tried to help him ask.  He is just 70 and is nearly gone. Listening to him struggle was horrible.  No matter what he did to me as a child...no matter what he did not prevent...no one should be trapped in a healthy body that has lost its cognitive ability.  No one should know that terror.  No one should know that grief.  I did not feel like battling food.  I most decidedly did not feel like being the target of my step-mother's ire, being bathed in her utter disappointment/dislike of me.  I went anyway.

Once back home, I delved into Kleinig, into the book Grace Upon Grace Pastor gave me.  If you remember, he gave me the book because one of the later chapters on prayer inspired his own meditations on prayer he sent out via the church's In Touch eNewsletter a long while ago.  I wanted very much to just leap ahead to that chapter, but I got caught by the introduction that set up the idea of receptive spirituality, that all we have is from God, that although we are nothing but beggars before Him, God gives to us fully and completely because of Christ's sake.  I have been plowing forward ever since...in between Walther, praying the Psalter, reading aloud the Living Word, studying the Book of Concord, and listening to Pastor's hymns.

This evening I gained the first smidgen on prayer, though not quite what I am sure will be in that much anticipated chapter.

Hear, O Israel! The LORD is our God, the LORD is one! You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart.You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead.You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.  ~Deuteronomy 6:4-9

This is the Shema, the guiding devotions of the Isralites, given to them by God in place of the amulets so prevalent amongst the pagans of their time that denoted allegiance to a particular god and were believed to ward off evil and bring good luck. Through the Shema, the Israelites named God (gaining holiness as they bore His name), professed faith in God, and proclaimed that He was the only God.

The Shema was not a mere amulet.  It was also not a mere work by man.  By reciting this, the Israelites heard it.  By hearing it, by hearing the Word, they were given faith.  The Shema was Life. 

That this was the next bit in the book is slightly ironic for only last night I mentioned that Pizza Man should tattoo his latest chastisement on my forehead for then I might better remember the Gospel.  He said that I would then need to carry around a mirror.  I countered that my wrists would just be fine. I was joking, but I confess I have long savored the idea of having God's word written upon my doorposts, my forehead, my hands.  That part of being a Jew I thought, perhaps, should not have been lost to Christians.

But it occurred to me tonight that I actually do have God's truth written upon my forehead.  For in my baptism, He placed the name of the Triune God on me by tracing the sign of the cross upon my forehead!  When he retraces the cross, he is writing, once more, all that I believe, all that I have, all that has been promised to me in Christ.

It is a truth Pastor writes once more each time he blesses me.

In the cross, I bear the name of God and, thus, His holiness.  In the cross, I am given faith by the Holy Spirit and receive all the gifts of God.  In the cross, I proclaim, through His only Son, that He is the only true God, the One who gives grace and mercy and forgiveness and peace.

At the end of the confession/absolution liturgy, Pastor traces that cross upon my forehead as he bestows the forgiveness of Christ.  He does the same in the blessings he gives me and in the ones he gives to the children who come to the alter who have not yet been confirmed.  I am sure there are other times this is done, but I know them not. What I actually know about Lutheran Liturgy would fit on the head of a pin, a mere page out of a very thick tomb.  I can sing exactly two bits of the five Divine services:  the Agnus Dei from page 198 of the LSB that Pastor recorded for Reformation Sunday and the Doxology that I learned years ago.  That aside, I realized tonight that his action represents not merely bestowing forgiveness or asking for favor.  Instead, it is the confession of my faith...that I receive it from an undershepherd of Christ, not do it myself, only reinforces the proper relationship between God and man in that faith.  I, the beggar who has nothing to give, still receives all.

Thus, those blessings are not mere words to me.  They are Life.

In thinking about the Shema, more and more and more am I struck by how very, very important hearing is to faith.  Over and over and over again Scripture speaks of having the Word of God in our mouths, on our tongues, falling from our lips.  Why speak if not to hear?

Pastor keeps telling me that he wants to post an entry on his blog on hearing, for I reminded him about its importance when I started reading him his "food" instead of merely handing it to him.  I must admit that I very eagerly await such a post for I am sure to learn from it!

In the meanwhile, he dabbled in hearing with a rather interesting twist during his Wednesday Evening Service sermon.  It is very Myrtle-ish, in that had he the opportunity to record it, I would have played it at least a dozen times since last night for Christ's song to me permeates the pages.  I wonder if I can get someone to read it to me...

Jesu Juva

“Let Your Ears Do the Watching”
Text: Luke 17:20-30 (Exodus 32:1-20)

When it comes to Jesus’ return on the Last Day, we need to be watching with our ears and not with our eyes. For the Holy Spirit works faith through the Word of God that is spoken into our ears and the sheep know not the looks, but the voice of their Good Shepherd. So as Christians, we are to be all ears.

Our Lord spoke against the Pharisees for being all eyes. They wanted special signs, and signs are seen instead of believed. The Pharisees did not trust in the Lord’s spoken words, but rather their own vision and experience. They walked not by faith, but by unbelief that said, “I’ll believe it when I see it.”

And so it is in today’s Gospel. The Pharisees ask Jesus about “when the kingdom of God would come.” They think it hasn’t come yet because they cannot see it. But, in fact, the kingdom of God had already come; it was already a present reality, though hidden to their sight. And so Jesus to tells them, “The kingdom of God is not coming with signs to be observed, nor will they say, ‘Look, there it is!’ or ‘There!’ for behold, the kingdom of God is in the midst of you.”

In the midst of you, and yet they couldn’t see it. Or perhaps we should say instead, they could not see Him. For in Jesus, the kingdom of God had come to earth. In Jesus, the King of the Universe is hidden in human flesh. In Jesus, God’s kingdom with all its blessings in present among us. There is no part of God or His work that is absent or not in Jesus. All the fullness of God dwells in Him. And so the kingdom of God is wherever Jesus is - wherever He speaks His Word, wherever He gives His body and blood, wherever He forgives sins and gives His life. When we have Jesus, we have the kingdom of God!

But the sin in us is not satisfied with that. How often do we want something we can see rather than trusting what Jesus says. We are, in fact, often like the Israelites at Mt. Sinai. Moses had gone up the mountain to receive the Word of God, but he was gone so long the people became restless. They did not want to walk by faith in an unseen leader - they wanted something they could see. And so they made a golden calf - an idol for sight, not for faith. And so they traded the true God for their own version of what they wanted God to be.

We have our golden calves, too. We are no better. We want visible, tangible signs that God is with us, that His kingdom is among us, that He is answering our prayers and keeping His promises. Maybe it is in restored health, or less troubles in your life, or greater numbers at church, or financial stability. We want something we can see, something we can quantify, something we can get our hands around. Evidence.

But just as Israel’s false god was torn down and ground up, the God who loves us will do the same to our false gods. That we trust them no more. That we see them for what they are - false signs. That we repent and return to the God of our salvation. Sometimes that’s not easy. It hurts. Its hard. But our loving God does what’s hard, because its good, and for our good.

And that includes the reason why Jesus was standing in the midst of the Pharisees that day - for out of great mercy and love for you, He had descended from heaven in order to ascend the cross. To take the judgment of all your sin and unbelief upon Himself, be nailed for it, and die in your place. He knew it was coming soon, that’s why He said that “first He must suffer many things and be rejected by this generation.” To become the sign of God’s love for you. To shed His blood and redeem us from our false gods and golden idols, that we may be His own.

And you know what? You can’t see that on the cross. All you can see there is a dead man. But you can hear it! You can hear it as He says: “Father, forgive them.” You can hear it as He says: “Today, you will be with me in Paradise.” You can hear it as He says: “It is finished.” For there, on the cross, the judgment was finished. The judgment of God against the sin of the world was given in full. He endured that dreadful day of God’s fiery wrath and destruction so that you never would. That for you and all who live by faith, Judgment Day be not a dreadful day, but a glorious day. The day when you enter into His glory.

So even though we do not know when that day will come, and life will be going on as normal, you need not fear that day. For just as the Lord provided deliverance for Noah and his family, and for Lot and his daughters, so He has also delivered us from sin and death and brought us into His kingdom. For He has brought us into Christ Jesus. And in Him, in His grace and mercy and forgiveness, we are safe.

How do you know? You can hear it. You hear it in Word of God hidden in the water that washes away sins. You hear it in the Word of God hidden in the man that pronounces the Absolution. You hear it in the Word of God hidden in the bread and wine of our heavenly food. Those things don’t look like anything - but when our ears do the watching, we see the kingdom of God in our midst. We see Christ in our midst. We hear the voice of our Good Shepherd and follow Him.

So we must learn to trust our ears. That is not easy. What our eyes see often contradicts the truth we hear. Our eyes may see only sin and sickness, trouble and death. But the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness, to listen to and trust the Lord’s words, to hear the hidden reality that we are His chosen people, His royal heirs of eternal life. When we listen to and trust the Lord and His words, He sustains us and strengthens us to endure these last days in His kingdom revealed. To walk by faith, not by sight.

In the Name of the Father and of the (+) Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

I have written before about Lutheran givens and wish I had them all collected in one place.  That is, I believe, the one reason I could want those titles and tags people use on their blogs.  But...this blog is for me...not for anyone else.  I work really, really hard not to censor myself, with the exception of details I think would definitely break that social contract.  The pastor I am going to quote below recently wrote a post that was sort of defensive about how his blog posts are his own thoughts, not particularly organized, just his musings.   I surmise he was the recipient of some criticism.  Funny, though, because a whole passel of pastors of late have referenced his writings.

I discovered him a while ago and posted a link (Pastoral Meanderings) from my blog primarily because he often writes about what it means to be Lutheran.  I suspect this is because of the struggles within the Missouri Synod, though it flabbergasts me that any Lutheran church would not fiercely cling to the Liturgy, teach the Book of Concord in initial and on-going catechism, and practice closed communion.  But that is for another day.  Today, I came across Pastor P's post about Lutherans and scripture and realized that this, above all things, is why I kept attending Pastor's bible study four years ago even though it was filled with older people and all were these strange, strange Lutherans.  It is also another Lutheran given.

You see, having grown up in the bible belt, once I was allowed to go to church, I was mostly fed straight biblical teaching.  I crave that, hunger for the Word.  Once I moved away, I spend years frustrated because the biblical churches I attended would more often teach pop culture issues or the latest Christian literature fad, fiction and non-fiction alike than the  magnificent Living Word God so richly and lovingly gifted us.  Does the Prayer of Jabez ring a bell?  My goodness, I could spend my whole life learning about the Lord's Prayer, the very words Christ taught us to pray and this is what I'm being taught?  SIGH.

Anyway, Pastor P wrote a great post on Lutherans and teaching the bible which you should read in full.  To give you a taste, I want to show two points below. 

What does this mean to me?

There was a time when it seemed rude to tell people what a particular Biblical text meant -- as if it diminished their own perspective on things or perhaps someone might have discovered a hidden meaning heretofore unknown or because we were all tired of a lecture format and wanted something different. Whatever the reason, there was a time when it was popular to encourage people to say what the text meant to them. Perhaps you have been at a such Bible study where a verse was read and the discussion went around the room with each person saying "what this means to me is. . ."

Oh, my, I read this and knew immediately what he was saying because most to the bible studies I had gone to were exactly this.  Yes, there would be some bible study booklet we would have with a set of questions no one had answered beforehand.  But those questions and the discussion would center around personal meaning and life application.  On the surface, that sound like a good approach, but I believe that it is dangerously specious.  Oh, how often I have heard that there are no black and whites in the bible, only shades of gray.   I didn't believe that; I fought against it.  I find absolutes all throughout the bible, absolutes that pit Christianity as the way, the only way to God.  Every other religion is wrong, false, empty.  And the way is narrow, a way whereby many will tell Christ what they have done for Him and He will say I know you not.  This is what I believed.  What I believe.  Perhaps...this is one of the things that made Pastor tease me about being a closet Lutheran....

What does this mean?

Lutherans lay claim to being evangelical catholics -- that is, we insist that we are not innovators of the faith, we do not proclaim novel or quirky understandings of Scripture, and we do not have our own Lutheran version of Scripture. We lay claim to what is catholic -- what has always been believed everywhere. While isolated teachers may have run far afield, the Christian history is a solid and clear path of answering the question "what does this mean." Take a look at the Creeds for example. They insist that Scripture speaks with one voice when it comes to the God/man Jesus Christ and so they encapsulate in confession what Scripture says (not departing from it or adding to it or giving it a different slant but speaking forthrightly "Thus says the Lord").

When we come to God's Word, it is not the momentary meaning or the personal meaning that should be forefront on our minds and hearts but what the Word said, says, and will say -- "What does this mean?" Because of this we do not begin with a proposition and then seek Scripture passages to support it -- we begin with what Scripture says and pull together the passages that speak to this -- not as evidence but as a the different voices of Scripture speak the same truth, together though from different authors, different perspectives, and different times.

It seems to me that this is the greatest thing about Scripture (other than its efficacy) is that God gave to us no mechanical means of transmitting His truth but one with the richness of different authors whose own personality still shines through the timeless truth they have spoken. Again, not as what this means to me but as different voices who speak together to answer "what does this mean."

In a sense, he is hearkening back to the Apology of the Augsburg Confession.  In it, the Lutherans refuted the specious and spurious claims against them following the Augsburg Confession.  They say we distorted that, disregarded this... Nay, in truth, the Lutherans stripped the humanism that had crept into Christian teaching to return to the pure Truth of the Living Word.  How can anyone think, reading and studying scripture, that forgiveness can be sold?!

When Pastor teaches, there is a certitude about his faith I find compelling and...well...restful in a way.  I find peace in hearing Truth from his lips and am amazed how often that, for me, it is Christ standing at the pulpit, not him.  But even in his lessoning that certitude draws me like a great siren call.  Yet there is no danger lurking within, nothing to hold me captive.  Instead, there is a freedom so great that I struggle to dare grasp for it.  This is what this bit of scripture means here and how it fits into the whole.  Supported and scaffolded, teaching that is so clearly consistent with who God is and what He has done for man. 

Oh, I may very well be the absolute worst Lutheran around, as clearly exhibited in my struggle with the burden of my sin and repeated failings at properly dividing Law and Gospel, crushed beneath the former and only weakly reaching out for the latter.  But I do believe those men at the Diet of Augsburg had the right of things.  I do believe that original sin means that there is no fear and love and trust of God apart from faith given through the Holy Spirit.  I do believe that the grace bestowed upon us at the cross was, is, and always will be completely Objective, that there is no part I play in my salvation.  I do believe so great was His gift in the Lord's Supper that He is present, giving His body and His blood to wash and forgive me anew.  I do believe.

The last seven days have been a microcosm of the past seven months.  [Has it really been that long, Myrtle?]  And a crucible of sorts.  I have a foundation of my faith (rightly) snatched away from me, and, once more, such is followed by the terrible timing of spiking hormones.  Never before this afternoon, awash in the horror of how I hurt someone in my raging emotions, have I thought more seriously about the option of just yanking out my female parts.  My primary physician is completely against it, believing that it would be dangerous for me and that, knowing the true nature of the problem, I can manage it.  For such times she gives me this spectacular little pill that provides just enough temporary distance so as to safely ride out the tidal wave in just one dose.  But if I cannot remember to turn off the stove when I am cooking on a regular basis, how can I manage to remember a date range on a calendar?  Three times now I have asked for help remembering, asked for help watching for those times when I am most decidedly senseless, awash in emotions.  There is no help with these blessedly brief, but albeit dangerous episodes.

Tonight, however, there was something rather beautiful.

In the waning moments of my emotional storm, I received two emails, both sent from love and concern.  One I read as Law.  I literally spewed the meal I had eaten. I found such condemnation, such failure that I could barely breathe.  I wanted never, ever to go to church again so horribly faithless and selfish have I been.  Again, the author surely meant none of that, but she seemed to have misunderstood what I have been trying to say, which made me feel all the more the failure...I am in communications after all. 

The second was from Pizza Man's bride.  Crying on the floor of the changing room on Tuesday morning, I blurted out how much I needed the world to be flat, for Pastor to be wrong in what he said.  A flat world makes sense of my life in such as way as I can stomach it, as I can dare cling to the smallest mote of belief that God could love me and still allow it all.  At the time, crouched on the floor beside me despite the comfortable chair beside her, she murmured that she could understand how that would be of comfort to me given my past.

Apparently, my comment has been on her mind, so she prayed about writing and then sent off an email trying to encourage me.  She again stated how she could understand the comfort of a flat world, but suggested there might be even an greater comfort in a round one.  Your feelings are not wrong, Myrtle.  They do make sense.  But God's sense, though foolish to the world, would serve you better.

Shortly thereafter, I realized, again with great horror, that my monthly cycle had started and, thus, the past day or so had been more hormone and less reality than I could have wished.  Especially because the one I hurt was Pastor.

I read V's email and worried that what she was really saying was that my revelation was a burden that had been weighing her down.  Yes, I have been so inculcated that I am selfish and unlovable by my family that I assumed the absolute worst in one of the most loving missives I have ever had sent to me.

Thinking on how I probably destroyed any chance of further lessoning, especially given Pastor's response to my email, I called V to see if my fear was right or wrong.  Oh, I was wrong.  So very wrong.  I should have remembered Monday night.  Boy, does my rememberer suck!

V emailed because she was moved by my anguish and wanted to offer comfort.  She didn't think one thing poorly about my doubts and fears and stubborn longing for a flat world.  Not one speck.  In fact, she somehow, as Pizza Man so often does, managed to turn my struggles into a blessing for her.  [Remember?  Confessional Lutherans are strange!]  They are learning from me, from my passion for the Living Word, for my gulping of all things Lutheran doctrine, for my openness of my struggles and grief against my sin.  I simply don't get that.

Her compassion made me wail.  Wail quite loudly and spill forth how horribly I screwed up with Pastor lost in those dratted hormones.  I rather stupidly told him not to come tomorrow because he shouldn't be teaching such a sinful person, that I would be removing myself from his flock to spare him my sin.  He is very good at listening to me.  I just wish he could learn to listen behind the words.  V told me to call him right away and explain about the hormones; he will forgive you, she insisted.  She even offered to call him.  The chicken part of me longed to tell her, Yes!  Do so!  I refrained.  Bless her heart, she tried anyway, but he was not home and she could not think of what kind of message to leave.

She called later, after the two cherubs were in bed, and we talked until Pizza Man came home.  We talked about her doubts and fears and struggles with sin.  I was flabbergasted.  Perhaps...perhaps I am not as alone as I feel.  A few months ago, a very sad thing happened to her and she felt as if God were punishing her, as if it were a direct result of her own failures.  Sound familiar?  When her husband arrived, he, too, spoke of his doubts and fears, both of them even mentioning salvation.  What meant the most to me, what rang the loudest, was V's fears of death and facing Jesus, thinking not that she would leap for joy, but that she would hang her head in her own wretchedness, declaring He might as well just go ahead and cast her into hell as she so rightly deserved.  It was a fear that she plucked from my own heart and held out before me.


One other nugget V said was that church was the closet thing to heaven we have here on earth.  Going there, we have a taste of the glorious feast in which we will partake.  We have the absolution and forgiveness for our sins.  We have the love of Christ poured out upon us.  Pastor and my godmother have said as much, but somehow her plain speak was piercing.  I planned on hiding again.  Now I long for Sunday to hasten its arrival though I suspect I will still desire to hide.

The two of them offered to do devotions with me before we hung up.  Despite the late hour and two wee ones who would wake them up early, we read scripture, sang hymns, and prayed, using the devotion from the church that used to be in our bulletins (I am campaigning for its return, but at least part is posted on the church blog).

You want to hear something strange?  You know how I have been going to sleep every night with Pastor singing over me and how his voice fills my car as I am trying to learn Lutheran hymns?  Pizza Man and his bride told me that one of the hymns I recorded for them was playing on a loop the other day...neither one of them all that moved to stop the audio clip...told me that I sang to them when I wasn't even there.  I smiled for that is what Pastor gives to me and in the smallest measure I was able to pass on such a blessed gift even thought I am not particularly thrilled with how my voice sounds on those clips.  It is not about the voice, it is about God's Word and His Truths being sung, praised, and shared.

In any case, I felt as if God wrapped His arms around me this evening to tell me that He loves me even though I cannot see it, even though I keep insisting to Him that I am too sinful, too weak in faith for such.  Almost...almost I could be thankful for those wretched hormones and my stupid, hurtful blunder...because in my sorrow He brought me joy.

Selah.

A final note:  V noticed that, in both the hymn of the week and the scripture reading, there were Myrtle verses.  I am posting the hymn below.  I will send you a scripture reading or a hymn if you can tell me which verse below was written for me and which one I need help remembering.

The Day is Surely Drawing Near

The day is surely drawing near 

When Jesus, God's anointed

In all His power shall appear 

As judge whom God appointed.

Then fright shall banish idle mirth, 

And flames on flames shall ravage earth.

As Scripture long has warmed us.

The final trumpet then shall sound

And all the earth be shaken,

And all who rest beneath the ground

Shall from their sleep awaken.

But all who live will in that hour,

By God's almighty, boundless pow'r,

Be changed at His commanding.

The books are opened then to all,

A record truly telling

What each had done, both great and small,

When he on earth was dwelling,

And every heart be clearly seen,

And all be known as they have been

In thoughts and words and actions.

Then woe to those who scorned the Lord

And sought carnal pleasures,

Who here despised His precious Word

And loved their earthly treasures!

With shame and trembling they will stand

And at the judge's stern command

To Satan be delivered.

My Savior paid the debt I owe

And for my sin was smitten;

Within the Book of Life I know

My name has now been written.

I will not doubt, for I am free,

And Satan cannot threaten me;

There is no condemnation!

May Christ our intercessor be

And through His blood and merit

Read from His book that we are free

With all who life inherit.

Then we shall see Him face to face,

With all His saints in that blest place

Which He has purchased for us.

O Jesus Christ, do not delay,

But hasten our salvation;

We often tremble on our way

In fear and tribulation

O hear and grant our fervent plea;

Come, mighty judge, and set us free

From death and ev'ry evil.

                                           ~LSB 508

I was right about the booklet. I did it wrong.  And I messed up otherwise.  I tried the other project and sent it off for review, but I have little hope that I was able to accomplish the goal.  What I think is wrong.  I don't even see it so.  I don't mind trying again until I get things right, but I struggle with feeling like such an overwhelming failure with work and with communicating and with faith.

Why, oh why, am I such a colossal failure at asking questions?  Why does it seem that I am speaking in another language, bumbling things so badly so as never to approach that which I long to understand?  Worse still is that I am utterly confused since it seems to me that I am laying out the matter so plainly.  Yet the response I get is either utter silence or a long answer that ignores the very heart of what I am asking and that confuses me further.

I finished Walther's sixth evening lecture.  He writes and quotes Luther as if both men were reading my mind...

Like two hostile forces,  Law and Gospel sometimes clash with each other in a person';s conscience.  The Gospel says to him:  You have been received into God's grace."  The Law says to him:  "Do not believe it; for look at your past life.  How many and grievous are your sins!  Examine the thoughts and desires that you have harbored in your mind"  On an occasion like this it is difficult to divide Law and Gospel.  When this happens to a person, he must say to the Law:  "Away with you!  Your demands have all been fully met, and you have nothing to demand of me.  There is One who has paid my debt."  This difficulty does not occur to a person dead in his trespasses and sins; he is soon through with the Law.  But the difficulty is quite real to a person who has been converted.  He may run to the opposite extreme and come nigh to despair. (47)

...

Luther continues:  "By tests like those cited the hearts of men are often led astray, so that they cannot think of anything except of what they have done and should ahve don; likewise, of what God commands and forbids.  While keeping their minds on these things, they forget all that Christ has done and God has promised to do through Christ.  (48).

...

I wish to cite Luther once more.  He writes (St. L. Ed. IX, 161):  "In your tribulations you will become aware the Gospel is a rare guest in men's consciences, while the Law is their daily and familiar companion.  For man has by nature the knowledge of the Law."  Unless a person learns this by experience, he will not learn it at all.  If you are Christians, you will admit that you are far oftener troubled and worried than comforted.  When you feel the comfort of the Gospel in your heart, that is a glimpse of the light that may come to you on a certain day; but then several days may pass when you will not catch that glimpse again.   (49)

How well I understand such right now...having come nigh unto despair.  The past and whether or not it was my sin, even in a small part, haunts me.  Forgiveness and what that means, what it looks like, what I am to do and whether or not I am, in actuality, an unrepentant sinner troubles me deeply.  The present and knowing that Pastor is right and yet wanting to reject what he said with my whole being crushes me.  I had such a fragile truce with the past and how it could be good; one sentence and Pastor shattered that irrevocably.

While I do take a measure of comfort in having my own heart, my own anguish, spread across the pages of a book written more than a century before quoting a man half a millennium before and am, thus, not alone, I am terrified that even Luther struggled as I am right now.  If he, the learned Christian he was, struggled, what hope have I, one of those ignorant folk he wrote so often about in the Large Catechism?

There have been times when I [Luther] imagined I understood it [how to properly divide Law and Gospel] because during so long a time I had written a great deal about it; but believe me, when I come to ap inch, I perceive that I have widely missed the mark.(47)

I read and re-read the lecture thinking since this is so great a problem, one which causes such abject despair, there would be some wise counsel.  Perhaps I am blind, but I found none...not really.

Always keep this reflection present:  "For such poor sinners as I am  the Gospel--the sweet Gospel-- has been provided.  I have forgiveness of sins through Christ."  (49)

True, this is key.  This is the answer.  BUT...across pages and pages Walther (and Luther) show how, in such times, the Christian cannot remember the sweetness of the Gospel.  How, then, could the answer be to "keep this reflection present"?

What do I do if I cannot remember?  What do I do if I alienate the person who could remember for me?

After sleeping in the entire morning away, I spent the afternoon and early evening with Bettina, via Sprint and Skype!  We played Scrabble; she beat me handily the first game and I slaughtered her in return during the second game. In our games, we often play words for each other.  One Bettina played for me today was grieve.  When the second game was completed, she pulled out her copy of the Lutheran Service Book and we sang a few hymns.  Then, when I thought she needed to go because the children were up from their naps and dinner needed preparing, Bettina surprised me by switching to a video call.  She first asked me to entertain her children, so I read books to them.  Then, when her husband arrived home, she carted me (the laptop) to the table so that I could eat with them and enjoy their devotions afterward before they headed off to church.  All the while, I was lying on the couch in my pajamas, not moving much, but savoring the company.

Once alone again, I tackled a project Pastor asked of me.  A brother pastor of his created a piece on Advent that Pastor wants me to try my hand at turning into a booklet for his parishioners.  [I have noticed this generosity amongst confessional Lutheran pastors:  they oft readily hand over their writings for their brothers to use, in whole or part, more concerned that truth be shared than authorship retained with just one man.]  I have posted my draft of the cover.  You probably cannot see it but I have the Christ portion of the Nicene Creed watermarked behind the advent candles.  Inside, I used photos of stained glass windows and portions of Scripture as a divider of sorts between each section, sort of like a great big Selah for the reader...stop...pause...remember what Advent, what Christmas is all about.  I am fairly happy with the design of the booklet and how I chose to treat the interior content, but I have no clue as to what Pastor will think or if this really will be handed out to our congregation.  A year ago I created a pretty great booklet on prayer at Pastor's request, but it never went anywhere.  I half wonder if the source document on Advent won't just get handed out instead.  Still, I do not mind the work, even if it proves fruitless, for I relished the opportunity to at least try.  I also found reading the text of the handout rather informative. So, the assignment was quite beneficial for it kept my mind off other things, taught me something about my new confession, and afforded me an opportunity to be a wee bit creative. 

I finished my day with Walther, having finally moved beyond the fifth evening lecture.  While I did not finish the sixth one, much of he wrote has given me pause...troubled my waters something fierce to be honest.  Oh, how well, do I understand the terror of which he writes, the battle of David, of Peter, and of Luther...of Christians who have learned and can teach the proper distinction between Law and Gospel quite handily, but who struggle mightily to put that knowledge into practice in their own lives.  For me, this battle has become all the worse for the truth Pastor taught me last Saturday, for my longing to keep the world flat.

Below is a largish chunk of the sixth evening lecture.  I wonder if you will see what I did, if you will think differently about David and Peter...understand their lives, their faith more....

We read Ps. 51, 10.11:  Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.  Cast me not away from They presence and take not Thy Holy Spirit from me.

Here David prays God for a right (German: gewiss) spirit.  After his horrible fall, the shedding of innocent blood and the sin of adultery, David had lost assurance of divine grace.  Absolution was, indeed, pronounced to him when he had come to a penitent knowledge of his sin, but we do not hear that he forthwith became cheerful.  On the contrary, many of his psalms plainly show that he was in very great misery and affliction.  When the messenger of God approached him with the declaration:  "The Lord hath put away thy sin," his heart sighed, "Ah, no!  That is not possible; my sin has been too great."  We behold him watering his couch with his tears, Ps. 6,6, going about a bent and broken man, his body drying up like grass in the drought of summer.  This exalted royal prophet knew the doctrine of the Law and Gospel full well.  All his psalms are full of references to the distinction between the two.  But when he fell into sin himself, he lacked the practical ability of applying his knowledge.  He cried:  "Renew a right spirit within me."

It is a characteristic of Christians to regard the Scriptures as the true, infallible Word of God.  But when they are in need of comfort, they find none; they cry for mercy; they supplicate  God on their knees.  God made David taste the bitterness of sin.  In general, we behold David after his fall more frequently in sadness than in joyful spirits, and we see that one misfortune after the other befalls him.  God did not permit these misfortunes to afflict David because He had not forgiven his sin, but in order to keep him from falling into another sing.  It was nothing but love and mercy that  prompted God to act thus.  Naturally, a person still dead in sins thinks:  "Why was David so foolish to torment his mind with a sin that has been forgiven by God?"  A person reasoning thus makes of the Gospel a pillow for his carnal mind to rest on; he continues his sinful life and imagines that he will, after all, land in heaven.  His Gospel is a gospel for the flesh.

Luke 5,8 we have the cry of Peter:  Depart from me, for I am a sinful man, O Lord.  Is not this a remarkable incident?  The Lord comes tot he disciple whom He had named Petros, a rock-man, and bids him and his fellow-fishermen, after an unsuccessful night on the lake, to drop their nets in deep water.  Peter complied, most likely expecting, however, that he would catch nothing.  But, lo! they caught such a multitude of fishes that their nets broke.  Now Peter is seized with fear.  He reflects:  "That must be the almighty God Himself who has spoken to me.  That must be my Maker.  He will one day be my Judge!"  He falls down at Jesus' knees and says:  "Depart from me, for I am a sinful man, O Lord."  He expects the Lord to say to him:  "Look at the multitude of sins thou hast committed.  Thou are worthy of everlasting death and damnation."  Whence, then, came Peter's fright?  Why did he not thank Jesus when he fell down at His knees?  Because his many sins passed before his mind's eye, and in that condition it was impossible for him to express cheerful gratitude, but had to drop trembling to his knees and cry to his Lord and Savior those awful words:  "Depart from me, O Lord."  The devil had robbed him of all comfort and whispered to him that he must speak thus to Jesus.  Eh expected nothing else than to be slain by the Lord.  He was incapable of distinguishing Law and Gospel.  If he had been able to do this, he could have approached Jesus cheerfully, remembering that He had forgiven all his sins.  Many a time in his later life he probably said to himself:  "Peter, you were a great simpleton on that occasion.  Instead of what you did say to Jesus, you should have said:  O Lord, abide with me, for I am a sinful man."  That is what he did on a later occasion when he had fallen into another sin.  Then he was filled with joy unspeakable when Jesus gave him that look full of gracious compassion.

I John 3, 19.20 we read:  Hereby we know that we are of the truth and shall assure our hearts before Him.  For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart and knoweth all things.  When our heart does not condemn us, it is easy to distinguish Law and Gospel.  That is the sate of a Christian.  But he may get into a condition where his heart condemns him.  Do what he will, he cannot silence the accusing voice within.  It calls him again and gain, reminding him of former sins.  The recollection of some long-forgotten sin may suddenly start up in him, and he is seized with a terrible fright.  Now, if in that moment, a person can rightly divide Law and Gospel, he will fall at Jesus' feet and take care in Jesus' merit. That, however, is not easy.  One who is spiritually dead regards it as foolish to torment himself with former sins.  He becomes increasingly indifferent towards all sins.  A Christian, however, feels his sin and also the witness of his conscience against him.

But in the end, after Christians have learned to make the proper practical use of the distinction between the Law and the Gospel, they join St. John in saying:  "God is greater than my heart; He has rendered a different verdict on men's sinning, and that applies also to me."  Blessed are you if you have learned this difficult art.  If you have learned it, do not imagine yourselves perfect.  You will always be no more than beginners in this art.  Remember this:  When the Law condemns you, then immediately lay hold upon the Gospel.  

Since the days of the apostles there has not been a more glorious teacher of this art than Luther.  Yet he confesses that in an effort to reduce his teaching to practice he was often defeated.  In spite of the fact that he had led a decent life and was not guilty of gross sins, the devil often vexed him.  He tormented him with the sins of his inner life.  Nonplussed, Luther would often come to Bugenhagen, his confessor, with his worries and, kneeling, receive absolution, whereupon he would depart rejoicing.

Luther writes (St. L. Ed. IX, 806f):  "God has given us His Word in these tho forms:  the Law and the Gospel.  The one is from Him as well as the other; and to both He has attached a distinct order:  the Law is to require of every one perfect righteousness; the Gospel is to present gratis the righteousness demanded by the Law to those who have it not (that is, to all men).  Now, then, whoever has not satisfied the demands of the Law and is captive under sin and the power of death, let him turn to the Gospel.  Let him believe what is preached concerning Christ, viz., that He is verily the precious Lamb of God that takes away the sin of the world, that He has reconciled man with His Father in heaven, and from pure grace, freely and for nothing, gives to all who believe this everlasting righteousness, everlasting life and bliss.  Let him cling solely to this message; let him call upon Christ, beseeching Him for grace and forgiveness of sin; and since this great gift is obtained by faith alone, let him firmly believe the message, and he shall receive according as he believes.

"This is the proper distinction, and, verily, it is of the utmost importance that it be correctly perceived.  O yes, we can readily make the distinction in words and preach about it, but to put it to use and reduce it to practice, that is a high art and not easily attained.  Papists and fanatics do not understand it at all.  I observe in my own case and that of others, who know how to talk about this distinction in the very best fashion, how difficult it is.  To talk about the Law's being a different word and doctrine from the Gospel, that is a common achievement, soon accomplished.  But to apply the distinction in our practical experience and to make this art operative, that is labor and sorrow." (The Proper Distinction Between Law and Gospel, 43-46)

Myrtle, you are a foolish child laboring in sorrow!  Would that I were not....